Hey brighterside
Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.
I have been on both sides of the coin so hopefully I might be able to help. Fortunately (or unfortunately) the way my partner struggles with his depression is exactly the same. Knowing what depression looks like in people is important because everyone experiences it so differently.
The good news however is there is 0.04% chance he does not have depression 🙂
Okay, so here's a few top tips - or basically some things that have helped me in the past, in no particular order.
1. Talk to him about what he thinks he needs and what might be helpful. Regardless of what the person is experiencing, what helps one is not going to help another. That's completely okay but it can be trial and error. When I'm feeling depressed I want to be hugged, but when my friend is depressed he'd like to be left alone. It's okay not to know and it's okay to ask.
(Hint: once you can have these conversations you can also start to know when he feels like he's being mothered)
2. If you feel like you might blow up, just walk away. You have to come first. I've learned the hard way (and am still learning) about the oxygen mask metaphor; you need air first. Find and embrace yourself in things that help you feel like a better person and more resilient to when your partner isn't interested;- what can you do that's fun, what can you do that you enjoy?
3. Remind yourself that it's not personal. So much easier said than done I know; but it's important. Your boyfriend is so much more than what he's going through right now, and he really does care about you even if he can't show it.
4. On bad days, make things easier. Closed questions are always good because there's less thinking; pizza or burgers? Comedy or action? This also helps when trying to give a healthy nudge; go for a walk now or after we finish the episode?
5. Never underestimate how helpful you are. This I think is the most important one, because simply being there and holding space for your partner in depression can be the kindest thing that you'll ever do. Especially going through depression sometimes all I feel is worthless, so having someone who can just sit with me is incredibly helpful, even if they don't see it.
I hope this helps! Feel free to post again or to let us know how the conversation goes this weekend.
