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Complicated family problems
I have a complicated family. I had 2 parents and a sibling in this country. Parent A and B got divorced when I was mid 20's. Parent A moved down the road with someone who has a odd history and Parent B moved back to where we had immigrated from and married someone online. Sibling, with years of what seemed like an active social life turned out depressed and suicidal after divorce and some how blames everyone else but its all very top secret.
I have one child , who i would like to take overseas to see the family but I am also worried about what i call "remourn", its because most of my life relatives have come and gone which I know I won't see them again for ages and miss them terribly. The point of my post is that because my family is scattered across the globe , I feel like I have missed out on so much with them because of immigration. I don't know why my sibling has been so depressed and why I am to blame when I didn't do anything wrong because I was on the brunt of the shifting mood and being called everything under the sun. I don't know why parent A has to side with the partner so much to the point where parent a doesn't ring or visit. There's always some agenda. Parent B doesn't want/understand how alone and sad I am here when all I wanted was to be surrounded by family and have cherished memories but instead is called everything under the sun and abandoned.
I am at the point where I am so hurt , confused and alone that I feel it would be better to just move away , I would love to get married and have more children although I'm in my early 30's and feel I am pushing my luck on that . But just leave and let them be because I don't know what I did to them for them to be like this. I would love to live with parent B in the home country but my abandonment issues and trust issues really kick in when I am really down and how do I know that everything will turn out ok? Or is that just repeating the same old thing and expecting a different result when clearly your flogging a dead horse when it comes to patching up families. Will your expectations be out of sync and still be unhappy.
Hi LG, welcome
Oh, families. I dont think you are alone in this.
Someone once told me "never go backwards" with family, an ex partner or sad memories. There's truth in that. To imagine returning to the mother country is really unrealistic, it more a case of wishful thinking. It is highly likely not to turn out ideal.
Parent A has an odd attitude. And your sibling, well he/she is likely seeing her family as toxic, an unhappy atmosphere.
In both cases I believe its best to have an open door policy and to express that to everyone. Eventually parent b might even visit, knowing they can stay with you and see grandchildren.
This open door policy leaves the decision to them. If they dont want to vvidit you cant and shouldnt insist.
Also, at the same time learn to move on. Your small family will grow and that is the family to embrace and teach them proper communication, of the quality needed in your lost family.
As you get older "family " are close friends as well. Build your close friendships to the point whereby they are quasi aunties and uncles.
They say "you cant pick your family"...not in blood but in spirit...yes you can.
And one day a blood relative will contact you. But right now let them all know of your open door, open arm policy....then its their move.
You might also try facebook to build a relationship
I understand where you are coming from. I feel i wanted to go back to the mother country because i had never really been there on my own and it was pretty much my parents fault for me not having a lot of contact with my relatives. They moved me to another country when i was so young for no reason and now as a parent i can't fathom why they did that?!
Sibling has issues. Sibling was put on a pedestal and did no wrong , even when i was highschool age and had to look after sibling and spent my teens looking after the sibling. But now sibling gets to go out drinking and doing whatever sibling wants ,not an ounce of responsibility at all.
I am worried i will be quite alone. I may not have more children because i am old and would like to be married the next time around. Im very closed off from people because of everything that has happened in my 20's regarding bullying and harassment. So i would like to think i could build my own family out of friends or have my children but id have to take baby steps. Parent B says that Parent a will realize one day and face up to it but i doubt it.
My facebook has my overseas family on it but it's hanging by a thread. I dont think they fathom what its like to have sfa family and i had just gave up on it.
I totally understand. Its an ild saying "gocus on what you have not what you dont have"
Sometimes that works other times not.
I suppose I'm suggesting, you cant get family out of family that doesnt want to be family.
Here are a couple of threads to read. I think there is room for more positivity in your mindset. I say this because we all fall in a rut occasionslly and when we do we think of our life and what's missing.
Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue
Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue
Topic: do we expect a smooth road in life?- beyondblue
Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue
Cheers Tony WK
if you feel comfortable giving more detail about your life, feel free to type away
All the best