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Commitment phobic,bipolarity dating depression in a hard time
I need helps. About 10 years ago, I had a serious major depression. My depression was a result of child abuse,mental violence from family members. The depression was so hard that sometimes I would sleep 20 hours out of 24 hours a day, I would vomit while trying to run,I would lost senses of taste, or simply emotions,etc.I was a total stranger in my own body. I was in an extreme pain everyday. The same pain you may have when a very close relative dies. My depression was not easy since I had no support at all. I would be named crazy by my family, I would be even physically harmed by close relatives thinking I was possessed lol. Anyway, I got pretty good medical mental support while travelling abroad. Yes, my depression did not stop me to travel,work, and live abroad. I wanted to survive,to be free again. After years of fighting the desease, I finally ended free from the desease and became a better person : Alleluya! I learnt so much about me and others with this desease.
For years after, I lived "pretty normal". No depression. But,little by little,I started having anxiety and insomnia because of life difficulties:I was unemployed twice, I had "huge"financial issues ,no deep family contacts and a broken relationship with this amazing bipolar person for months.
I met him under a "casual" title. At the beginning, no one wanted any serious commitment. But my attachment and emotions get bigger for him and I felt in love. I love him totally. Over the past months, he has had constant contradictory opinions toward me. One day, he would never see me as his girlfriend and the other day,he would "probably". All his answers are "maybe","probably",yes/no...but we always end up meeting.I know he really likes me a lot. Our dating scene is pretty intense with his huge changes of emotions and rages.But then he becomes an amazing man again. For the first months, I was believing that I was the reason of all his reactions.And then, I understood: he is bipolar. He feels totally lost with himself,his mind,his contradictions.He is confused. He loves being totally alone and my presence stresses him-but funny things he loves my presence that makes him feel better ( ok? T_T).He can get extremely and disproportionately irritated for small things,noises.,small attention. And can sleep in my arms after all my attentions <3.Anyway, my question is: does bipolarity stop someone to commit ? My current depression/anxiety are affecting my judgment. I am so confused.
Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
You have had a hard time and are trying hard to be healthy.
To answer your question does bipolarity stop someone to commit, I can only answer it personally and every person with bipolar may have a different answer.
I have had a diagnosis of bipolar for over 40years and when I was untreated I would have loved to commit but I knew I was chaotic that I could not be in a relationship. Once I was more stable I really would throw myself 200% into relationships but never seem to have the love and commitment returned.
So really it is personal . Has he seen a doctor ? He sounds like he is trying to work out how to cope with his bipolar and also fit you into his life. Since he is confused it would be hard to explain to you how he feels.
These are my thoughts not sure how they help.
Thank you so much Quirkywords.Your experience is helpful.
Yes,he is seeing a doctor.
Last week,he told me he has never ever loved me once.The words and his cold state were painful.It was hard.2 weeks ago,he told me that I was his "everything".
I was in pain.Over the past 7 days,he quited me,I lost my job,I am really sick and need surgery,and I am in depression with insomnia and anxiety.
I have decided to not contact him anymore and to expect nothing anymore.I am extremely exhausted and in pain.My social life is 1 out 10.And my depression is very hard.I have the feeling to die little by little in my own body.Treatments are useless and therapy so expensive.
I am so confused about everything at the moment.I cannot see if one day I will have an easier life.
I am so sad today.I have lost beliefs in relationships.I have lost all my confidence in my job.I just feel so useless.I am exhausted to try and try again and again.I am not living.I am trying to survive everyday.
I can feel your pain and exhaustion through your words.
it is under stable that you are confused.
Have you spoken to a doctor or seen a counsellor.
I am sorry you feel that you have lost your belief in relationships but it was one relationship that let you down. Your confidence is down now but will return when you find another job.
I think you need to take time to look after yourself. You are coping with a lot so don’t put pressure on yourself and take time to rest.
if you change one thing in your life what would it be and how would you like it to change..?
When will you have your surgery?
Post as often as you like. you are not alone.
Quirky has mentioned all I was going to share with you.
All I can suggest is that you take one day at atime. Hopefully you will be able to have the surgery soon, you can heal from that hopefully and then start to work on where you want your life to take you after that.
Relationships can seem very heart breaking when they go wrong, not all relationships need to end the same way though.
Can you write a list of everything that is troubling you right now, decide which one you can tackle right now, work on that and consider the other issues when you have the strength to do so.
When we try to sort everything out at once we can feel overwhelmed.
Wishing you all the best, from Dools