Coming to the end of a relationship

[BethOK]

I have been with my partner for 3 years. We have 2 kids. Im 19 and hes 21. Things have been rocky for the last few months, hes suddenly had a change of heart and has told me that hes to young for this kind of commitment. Hes told me he doesnt think he wants to be in a relationship with me anymore and that he didnt know if he still loves me. I can feel hes being distant and isnt showing much affection or anything. We said we'd give it one more try over the next month to see if anything changes. But i feel like hes already made his decision and that is to end it. I dont know how to come to terms with this. I love him so much and have only ever tried and tried for this to work. The thought of not having him in my life is killing me, its breaking my heart. If this is going to be the end how do i deal with it? How can i make this easier for myself? I need to be strong for the kids but all i want to do is cry. This is someone i thought i would marry, this someone who told me they would never leave me. He says that if we do break up and after a couple of months if we still have feelings for eachother than it might work out then. But to me its like he just wants to have a couple of months where he can go out every weekend and get with other people and then come back to me when hes done and bored. Im not a very strong person when it comes to this kinda of thing, im emotionally and mentally weak because of the love i have for him. I dont want to cry every day and night and i dont want to keep feeling like im never enough and something is wrong with me. Please help? I dont know how i will ever get over something like this

[pipsy]

Hi BethOK. He's really hurt you, but being by honest, means he has decided he is not right for you. I was a solo mum with 2 young kids too. Like you, I was scared, but once I accepted he was wrong for me and couldn't commit, I realized I was better off without him. That may sound cruel and unfeeling, it isn't meant to, but if he stays out of an obligation, rather than because he loves you, things will rapidly deteriorate. Is he a good father or does he tend to ignore the kids? It's always harder when there's kids, they need stability and the knowledge they're loved and wanted. If your ex partner is not able to give them a father's love, I think the kindest move is to let him go and concentrate on being the best mum you can. I know how hard it is, I hear the pain and betrayal, but keeping on with a one-sided relationship is going to hurt more. If he wants to keep contact with the kids going, this is something you need to discuss. I think I'd be inclined to let him go, rather than hope he will come back and want to reconcile. He sounds a young 21, he hasn't really matured enough for a long term relationship. Maybe you need to talk to your Dr about therapy to help you with getting through this darkness. Our counselors are here for you too. You don't need to be alone with this, BB has some excellent helpers who have been through this and we can give you guidance. Reach out whenever you need help.

Lynda

[BethOK]

He is a great father but he fails to pick up the slack most times. Ive been feeling like a single mother ever since we had our second baby.

If it does all go to crap how would i be able to acces this help youre speaking of? I dont take help easily, sometimes i feel like no matter what people say to try to help me through things i can never take it on board because of how upset i am. I guess the real reason is because i know when something is really wrong but i refuse to believe its happening

[BethOK]

I get thoughts that if I'm this much pain and hurt now then how will i get through it when it really is over, sometimes i think that i would rather not be here and feel nothing at all rather then feel so much pain and hurt. Then i think of my kids and how much i want to see them grow up but the thoughts still linger.

[Quiettall]

Hi Beth

Unfortunately when you are in the middle of a situation like you are, the pain is excruciating. If the break up occurs, it will be painful, but from my experience, there is a weird sense of relief there as well. It sounds funny to say that but when I was going through the same thing, the agony was unreal during the process, but once it was all over, there was a sense of breathing again, a chance to start afresh. This does not mean I wanted to end the relationship, nor was I happy about the break-up.

It is important to try and keep as much as possible, a sense of balance, stability and focus on each step forward each day

Good luck and keep posting. You never know what may come of all this for you...hopefully good in both the short and long term

[BethOK]

Thank you for your words.

There are times when i think about what it be like if we seperate and i do get that odd sense of relief but it never last longs in my thoughts. I go straight back to being upset that things are even going the way they are.

I feel bad for my kids, that one day theyre gonna ask why mum and dad arent together anymore and what do i say that their father suddenly realized it wasn't what he wanted anymore. I feel like im failing them like im giving up to soon.

The thing about my partner and i giving ourselves another month is that i know im going to try my hardest but he probably will not even make the slightest bit of effort which just frustrates and upsets me even more

[pipsy]

Hi BethOK. It's quite a mixed feeling of relief, sadness and anger when relationships end. The anger is because the spouse who is left holding the children feels as though they've somehow caused the relationship to end. With children all you need to tell them is their father loved them but couldn't deal with being a father/husband/breadwinner. It's no-one's fault, you simply are not suited. To continue with trying, would be worse for everyone. Your ex spouse would start resenting the fact that he is forced to stay there, you would resent his inability to try to make the relationship work etc. The kids would actually suffer more as they would sense the tension and possibly start 'acting up'. As I mentioned earlier if you can see a Dr to ask for guidance, ask for help. Dr's will often refer people to counselors/therapists when things in their life go haywire. Also our counselors here will help and guide you. You are not alone here, we can give you support through this. At the bottom of this page there is a list of support services which is designed for people who are going through crises and need help and guidance.

Lynda