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Clingy and want to feel myself
I am 22 and live on my own near my dads street all my friends live back in my home town. i moved due to work. I have always been a strong girl until about two months ago.
My dad (who is my world, my main person) fell ill at still a young age and was in hospital for a month and one week. Within the first week of being in hospital my toddler cousin died from tragic circumstances.
I was still being the strong person for dad but my cousins funeral really got to me, my family's howling, his mum running for the tiny coffin 😞 and dad attended the funeral on medication and temporarily collapsed and I caught him - kind of his approx 80kgs heavier than me.
The next day when visiting my dad in hospital, when it came time to leave, I started to panick and had a panick attack every 15 mins for 4 hours in his room. This had never happened to me Before. The nurses and psychologist at his hospital tried to help but they realised I was not safe to go home and there was no sign of me calming down. I was sobbing then laughing then really angry then numb and quiet and then repeat whilst banging my head and digging my nails into my skin. The hospital called an ambulance and took me to an intensive psych ward. I ended up having to stay for 2 weeks and 2 days for 'observation' it was awful. Upon discharge i was told i had no psychotic illness and what i experienced was a temporary mixed emotive state due to truggers. When I got out I had severe side effects to medication and luckily had my amazing GP got me off them straight away.
Anyway to the point - I was with people every day who were looking after me in the ward and when I got out I had no support none even from the man I was in love with. So I went to my home town for 6 days where I stayed with other family who were home 24/7 (ps: I normally live alone).
When I got home and dad was out of hospital I thought things would be back to normal but I hardly see them as him and his wife are always busy and when I visit I get extremely anxious that I know I have to go home and I just want to stay I'm now anxious and depressed every night I just want to be around someone always and nights and mornings are the worst. I never used to be clingy and "need" people but I do I seriously want someone to be by my side 24/7 😞 I want to get back to normal! Apart from all the issues I just don't want to feel so dependant to be dramatic I feel like I'm dying from a broken heart in so many ways. How do I enjoy my own company again or feel safe away from others I don't know if I'm scared ill loose someone else 😕
What a difficult time you are going through. I don't blame you for feeling clingy or insecure. I am so very sorry for the loss of your little cousin and for the horrendous experience the funeral must have been for you. I imagine it took a lot of strength and courage to get through those events and the 5 weeks your dad was in hospital. You sound like such a caring and loving daughter.
It appears that you really need some extra support at the moment. Have you spoken to your dad about how you are feeling? It is possible you could spend some more time with him, perhaps at your own home to reduce the anxiety you feel about leaving the house? Can you organise regular catch ups with friends at your place, even just for coffee or to watch a movie?
Panic attacks are terrifying, to have so many over such a long time period must have been very disorienting and scary. You have done so well to cope with such a traumatic event. I have never been in a psych ward but I imagine that is also a difficult and frightening experience. What a trouper you have been to come through it all.
Please remember you still the strong and capable person you have always been, be kind to yourself, treat yourself with a little extra care, allow yourself some time to grieve and to come to terms with the events of the last few months.