- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Clarifying your boundaries
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Clarifying your boundaries
Most of us have a need to be loved and to give love. Those primeval inbuilt characteristics that means the survival of the human race.
But some if us are monogumous, we don't want to share our partner. We have set standards on so many things like no flirting, no affairs, etc and this is what traditional marriage was meant to achieve, commitment of both parties no less than 100%. Now it might not include marriage but for many if us a verbal promise of expectation between you and a partner means the same.
But "love" has a big problem...it lacks logic. We've all enjoyed that honeymoon period where little logic is needed then comes the introduction of provisos, essentially each partners rules, boundaries and expectations. And why not, for you are laying your valued future in the line.
Fast track to a while later and suspicions arise when you notice possible infringing of a boundary going on. You hesitate for you fear your partner will object towards any hint of not being trusted.
Test your fears...pursue your instinct, find out....clarify!! But carry it out silently always with the view that you could be over sensitive.
Deceit leaves evidence. As a private investigator for many years evidence can come in so many forms. Telephone accounts, car odometer readings, his/her cleanliness after a day at work with a few hours overtime, missing money, a hidden GPS in the car that could be downloaded and so on. "I wonder why he didn't want me at his work Xmas do this year"?
Some might think employing a PI is over the top but clarity is your insurance for a broken heart. Protect your heart. So many vulnerable people live without any idea an affair is going on. Even double lives..
Remember, whatever your boundaries are, patrol them and insist they be obeyed for they are your standards you set that allowed you to agree on such a relationship. Any hint on a breach and you reserve the right to clarify by any means.
Trust is great, confirmation of being trusted is better as it allows you to continue that faith.
Follow your instincts and when, hopefully those instincts prove unworthy of suspicion...you'll be thankful you can build more hope that that love prevails.
But, if your gut feeling proves you were right all along and your boundaries weren't broken, they were destroyed by deceit, also be thankful that you have evidence to allow you to pursue a better life.
Either way, its better than you eroding your mental heath away. Clarity is a win win approach
Well out Tony. Were you a PI??
totally agree with everything you said. Do what you have to do. My wife went mad at me for saving her Facebook conversation with a guy she met with on a beach at night. She couldn't see a problem with what she did. My only mistake was to not get absolute evidence of a sexual encounter even though everything pointed to it. She still doesn't get it and never will. I was willing to forgive her but she continued to berate me for having no trust any more. I was willing to rebuild that trust but she couldn't give a damn.
Anyway, I digress. She can whinge all she wants. I caught her out being a lying and deceiving cheater - I should have contained my grief longer so I got 100% proof.
my advice - obtain 100% proof before you nuke them from orbit
Yes 18 years total, security, RAAF and prison officer in the now closed Pentridge jail.
The motivation for this post as I'm sure you'd agree from your situation is that the anguish is so painful and ongoing. This often leads to mental health issues.
Blame, yet another word like reasonable that can twist our ethics by those that wish to do so.
By her "blaming" it effectively triggers your most sensitive of feelings...guilt. How very much she knows you and what hurts you the most.
Our jails are full of criminals for breaking written laws but there are none jailed for inflicting guilt , manipulating, jealousy, ...blaming!
So some people grow up with a silent arsenal of tools that twist our vulnerable minds when the need arises. They are not capable of mature negotiation especially as they are the guilty.
If your confidence is lacking it will show and be jumped on. For you won't have the mental strength to self clarify, to be confident enough to accept 100% that you've done nothing or nothing worthy of your partner being deceitful, to move on easily.
In circumstance like these moving on and upwards is best achieved IMO by finding love again to a far more compatible partner. For just because you were wronged doesn't mean it will happen with the next one
Eventually time will heal and with time comes clarity and often justice with clarity. My first wife's second husband had the same issues I had with her, laziness, emotional abuse etc. Then the third one a defacto had the same issues. Now that, convinced me I was right all along with my beliefs.
Poetic justice or just confirmation all helps heal. Banging ones head against a brick wall at too early in the process would not bring such clarity.
Its a case of letting go, seeking a better life with a better person and sitting back waiting for your ex to trip up because they never change.
A deceitful spouse is not worthy if you. Logic is that they don't change.
If she called a black kettle white long enough some soft minds will end up agreeing its white which will put a smile on a manipulators dial...
Hi Tony WK
An important post. I agree wholeheartley. A leopard doesnt change their spots. They are permanent. I have been burnt big time on 're-trusting' a girlfriend and having depression the damage is only exacerbated.
If I can quote a sentence of yours: "A deceitful spouse is not worthy if you. Logic is that they don't change."
My Best. Paul