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Choices with my life relationship wise

Mike17
Community Member

Ive gone to post of here too many times to count, but deleted my answer while feeling my issues are silly compared to many worse struggles others go through.

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend 9 months ago now and have generally been struggling since. I broke up after 5 months due to lost feelings, I suffered from bad anxiety due to my lost feelings, constantly thinking of how I would need to break up with her. The relationship wasn't healthy in many ways, on both ends, and I felt like I had more to experience in life.

We tried to maintain being friends and maintained a sexual relationship for months and months (Not a good idea), throughout the whole time my self doubt of the right choice ate at me every single day, and unfortunately experienced many ups and downs. She still had feelings, but I didn't think I did, but always had myself questioning if I was giving up something I wouldn't find again, and something that was really good.

Now she's come to a stage of moving on, and i've really come to a panic stage of thinking ill never find something like that again. Despite my lost feelings during the relationship, and the relationship being unhealthy, she's a girl that has a lot of love to give and loved me a whole lot through my flaws, she has a great family and is incredibly gorgeous. When I try to think of moving on it makes me sick.

Its the first thing I think about in the morning and it really stays with me for most of the day, I'm sick of the anxiety and constant thinking, I've lost motivation for many parts of my life and cant remember what genuine happiness feels like, I've got my HSC in 4 weeks and I can't even gather any motivation to study. I don't know what to do. Its been almost double the time apart compared to being together, and no matter how silly I think it is I can shake thinking about it. I understand a lot of it won't make sense, sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me, but maybe some advice or past experiences could help.

Thanks in advance.

6 Replies 6

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Mike, I'm sorry you are going through this, but there are a couple of things that must be on your mind, HSC plus it's quiet easy in your situation to be confused whether you want this r/ship or you don't, in other words when you are together you don't want to be, but as soon as she leaves you then you want her back.
Not every r/ship can be positive all the time, there has to be moments when the two of you disagree, that's not bad you know, it keeps the two of you active and then wanting to please each other even more.
I would be contacting her especially if you can't get her out of your mind, she maybe feeling the same, give her a ring, email or text her, then you can sort out the problems after HSC, tell her this, but you need her to get through the exams that are approaching. Geoff.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mike17~

I think Geoff has given you some pretty good advice, Contact her and see what she thinks, and then hopefully try to concentrate on your exams. She may well be feeling as lost as you are.

I did see one thing I"m not sure I understood, and that was your talking about 'lost feelings' pus anxiety. I'm no doctor but apart from other matters have suffered from anxiety and bouts of depression. I do know in my case here have been periods of my life where I did not think I had feelings about anything, did not know if I loved someone, or in fact was even capable of love. I found out after this was the depression influencing my mind.

So if you think your thoughts are along these lines I'd be contacting my GP, or Headspace or councilor and say how you feel and maybe ask to be tested for depression and anxiety and see what happens from there. I do know in my case I could not have overcome those feelings by myself.

I do hope you can get a little more motivated for the HSC. Please realize you can come back and talk as often as you'd like

Croix

Mike17
Community Member

Yeah you're right, that self doubt is what is eating me up, it's like I try so hard to think clearly but just can't come to a conclusion.

Im scared of trying again and have been for so long at the risk of hurting her again, which scares me as I can't make up my mind.

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it a lot!

Mike17
Community Member

Hey Croix, thanks for your reply.

I thought about addressing that part further in the original post, but thought it would be too long.

Ive always been a really sensitive kid, and I don't deal the best with conflict. My ex girlfriends previous relationships had been full of fighting, and she had carried that into our relationship. Through fighting I dealt immensely with anxiety and leading into depression. I was seeing a psychologist, as all my feelings had gone rather numb, I figured I shut myself off from her because of how much pain mentally the constant fighting had brought. I really did go numb to a lot of feelings, feelings towards my friends and family.

My councillor said I was suffering from depression and anxiety, and talked about medication if I couldn't deal with it. In the end I broke up with her.

The months following I felt a lot of the time I wanted to go back, but countered my feelings as I was scared of hurting her and hurting myself.

I'm booked in to see a psychologist for the first time in a long time on Monday, so hopefully that can help me clear up this relationship issue a long with a couple of other things.

Thanks again for your reply!

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mike~

There was one thing in your last reply I"d like to talk briefly about. You said

at the risk of hurting her again

This can be a trap where we feel all the responsibility. I've been down that path -until it was explained to me.

True one can hurt another person, however that are just that, a person in their own right, quite capable of making their own decisions, of weighting up the balances for themselves - and taking risks if they want to.

So why not have a talk with her on that basis, see what happens?

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Mike, how scared were you to sit on a bicycle for the first time, it's no different than contacting her again, you can ride the bike now, so you can ring her up. Geoff.