Carer and husband

[Icarus1964]

My wife of 30 years has several severe medical conditions and recently our oldest son left home to start university since then she has become very moody. I seem to be the person whom she gets mad at the most ,it feels to me as if she is pushing me away. I know I love her and have always been faithful to her but she constantly accuses me of having an affair or not loving her anymore. I'm almost at the stage of saying forget it. But if I do I know it will be the end of me but I don't know how long I can stand being treated like this. I want to stay and I hope things will get better but sometimes I feel so depressed that I can't sleep. I am her full time carer and with her nearly all the time I am only away from her when I'm out doing errands.

[TheSteve]

G'day Icarus,

Thanks for sharing mate, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. That is hard on any man - and you are courageous and a hard man for putting up with it. Clearly, your wife has things she is dealing with and doesn't really mean these accusations. This could be her cry for attention mate, and you are her rock so who else is she going to go to when she needs it?

While this is ongoing, you need to take good care of you. This means you should see a counselor solo, someone to get your feelings out to and with. Someone who can help you with talking points to manage your relationship, someone who can help you see the big picture outside of your situation. YOu also need to take care of your body/mind - exercise, diet, quiet/alone time, fun with the boys etc. Situations like these allow for us to completely re-create ourselves, and we need to grab hold of them and use them as such.

Your wife too could use some help. She may be very upset that your son is now out, this can be tough on a mum. She should also have time alone, a break from you provided her condition allows. If not, then a carer should be brought in for short periods to give you both time alone. This is critical. My alone time is now - helping people on BeyondBlue while my wife does her thing. It is critical.

You both need some healing mate, and this will take someone on the outside to help you look at the situation differently, and rearrange it so it works. Please, seek out your doctor or counselor now, and get it underway. Don't neglect you, in any of this. For you to help your wife, you must be sound of mind and body.

We are here for you mate, come back to chat anytime.

Steve

[Icarus1964]

Thanks for the reply Steve. I have talked to our GP and he has also talked to my wife in private. I have a very hard time making friends as we live in a very small country town and I don't like to talk about what's going on gossip and all that. I'm hoping that if I can talk it out here it may help. As for getting time to myself as I said in my original post she accuses me of having affairs even though we are together all the time and if I were away from her it would only fuel that fire I don't seem to be able to get her to understand that I have always been faithful to her. How can you prove that?

I understand that my son leaving home was hard on her, for me I see it differently he is leaving to study to make a life for himself. She calls or chats to him on Facebook every couple of days and comes home for the weekend once a month but after he goes back home She is worse ,more moody and when I try to help I get yelled at and told to F off. We have been together for 30 years and this hurts

[TheSteve]

Hi mate,

I think a couple of things are clear - you can't keep going down the same path as you are becoming more depressed and it is doing nothing for your wife; and you are 100% correct in regards to your son, this should be a point of happiness certainly not sadness.

Expanding on this - the onus is not on you, a faithful man, to prove anything. It is your wife's thinking that needs correcting, her ability to trust, not your behaviour. She is clearly rock-bottom in regards to self-esteem right now, and perhaps the only way she feels she can get your attention and get you to stick around is by using guilt? Unfortunately, this is a really bad way for her to get her point across, but perhaps she knows no other way or her fear is driving her to do this?

It is not her fault, she is playing out her habits of thought and feeling, nothing more. But you don't have to be a slave to this. You can see it for what it is, and over time, once she sees that this no longer has power over you, she will have to either a) get past it and work with you; or b) feel even worse (which does her no good). Try not to see these words as "her", try to see them as separate entities, as part of her fearful mind. Underneath this is clearly a good woman, just a very frustrated and upset one, by the sound of it.

Perhaps, finding a nice way to communicate this to her will help. Perhaps this is the job for a counselor or doctor?

Good for your son on leaving to study, that is terrific. I moved overseas 11+ years ago and only see my parents and siblings once per year, twice at best, but we have a good relationship. It is what it is - kids will spread their wings and should be encouraged and pushed to do so. What more does a parent want? The ones that stay at home, or too close to home, dependent on family etc. usually develop problems that we don't want or need!

I understand your pain mate, but let's talk it out. Let's try to separate what you are hearing from her, and what she is under the surface of this pain and suffering she's been subject to. Most importantly, let's get your head clear and healthy in the process. Let's chat mate, I hope this helps.

Steve

[TheSteve]

G'day Icarus,

I hope things are going well mate. Just checking in, always here in the case you need an ear or friendly voice. All the best mate.

Steve