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Cant understand and not dealing too well

Community Member

I have just broken up with my fiancee. We were together 12 years. We have had ups and downs over the years but all couples do.

The reason it started from what i am aware of is was checking my bank online and noticed he had used my card for a few more things than he had told me so asked what he had spent my money on. All of a sudden he was yelling at me that i was always at him and i did nothing around the house to help him as i was always at computer doing cricket stuff. (I am a secretary of an association) then he grabbed me and pinned me to floor although he claims i tripped. But he still had me by the shirt and had fist raised at me.

When he let go i just went outside in shock and would not talk to him as was waiting for an apology.

He moved downstairs to sleep that night and then for 5 weeks we didnt speak. For 3 weeks after that he slept elsewhere. Didnt have a clue where and only come home to shower and change.

Then when i messged him and said that was he moving out or i trying to get a response or apology. He wasnt moving anywhere that i was the one going.

The day i moved is the day a so called friend of mine posted on FB that she and him were in a relationship.

I am not dealing with him not wantung to talk to me to fix things that day and prior and that he and a friend are in a relationship.

I asked to meet with him to find out what the go was to help me through this and was told we had nothing in common i was nasty and boring.

I dont undertand how all this has come to being all of a sudden without my partner and when they started this relationship as he cant remember a certain date.

He claims the last two years were hard for him. We even went on a cruise shortly before all this paid for by my kids as a 50th birthday present.

I am crying at a drop of a hat at anything and just want to be swallowed up in a big black hole. My heart is in a million pieces over this as prior to this we were fine so i thought.

I just dont understand says he still wants to be friends and have a bond but not the bond we thought we would have.

6 Replies 6

Community Champion
Community Champion

I wish I knew what I could say to you... Yet... my wife is the race secretary of a swimming club so I understand the time commitment (and unpaid) that you would have to put into the cricket club. But if things start to get physical (as indicated in your post) you have the question the relationship?

My question to you is... what if any type of relationship do you want with him?

That last statement on your post sounds like guilt on his part, but would that prolong the hurt?

Is there anyone close (friends) that you can talk to about this? Maybe make a night of it, so to speak. Tell them what you have been holding in.

Maybe see a therapist? Try meditation?

But know that you are worth loving, rediscover and reinvent yourself. BUT be patient with yourself.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Tigerlilly1~

I'd like to welcome you here and feel for you in such a horrible situation. 12 years is a very long time and the feelings of hurt, grief and betrayal you must have would be very hard to bear.

It's easy for someone on the outside looking in such as myself to see that the episode where he pushed you over and raised his fist is an ending - right there. Nobody should ever have to wonder if they are going have violence against them, and even though there is a very strong desire to forgive and let things be patched up I doubt it could ever be the same again.

Actually I think if had apologized and you had got back together it would only have postponed matters. Also if it was me I'd not accept his statement he wanted to be friends. There are too many other things he has said and done for this to be believable. I'd suspect he just wants to feel better about himself and is not concerned about you in the slightest.

Wanting to be swallowed in a big black hole and constantly crying are sadly a very normal and human reaction. It is not a situation you have the power to change - it was done to you after all. I've had powerful grief of another sort and know it lessens in time, that life does take over.

You mentioned you kids gave you a pretty good present, do you get on well with them normally? I'm hoping there is still someone in your life you can talk with and speak frankly. Sharing the burden realy does help somewhat.

I think you said something to the effect you could not understand how it could be all normal one day, and this terrible mess the next. I suspect it is a case of dishonesty with your ex-fiancee pretending to you that all was ok whilst conducting an affair on the side, and this all came to a head over the money.

Being part of a sporting group may be a help to you - is this your work? Perhaps you work as well? I most definitely found an outside activity (teaching in my case) gave me an out in contact with ordinary people and a great deal of distraction - I did work rather hard for a long time.

Please let us know how you are doing



Everyone is saying let go and move on which i also know deep down but it is very hard after 12 years to just poof be okay the next day.

I have so many thoughts running through my head all the time. When, how why

If he truly loved me at all wouldnt he have come and tried to sort out with me or say it is over for us?

Whilst he said i was boring we used to do things together until he lost his step dad and mum not long after and blamed himself for not being there for his mum.

I have been through thick and thin with him and his kids never fully accepted me either.

We must have had things in common for 12 years.

Just not dealing with him just going off with her and cant be bothered saying anything. If she hadnt posted on FB then probably still wouldnt know.

He wouldnt take me anywhere and now has a new lease on life and taking her to places.

Just so hurt and wondering if it was all 12 years of nothing but lies. I trusted him so much that never ever thought he could do such a thing as his wife had done it to him.

He always insinuated that i was on with people from association as i had to talk to them a bit over phone or attend meetings which was utter crap. Ironic that he is the one that has done it.

Claims on FB that people don't know the real me and to inbox him for details. I would like to know what i did so wrong to be the one getting all this blame.

It takes two to make a relationship work.

I know i am no angel and could have helped more but i just dont understand the anger and hate that i now receive

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Tigerlilly, please let me welcome you and from what you have said I'm really sorry that it has come to this.

I understand how you feel about having a bond with him, that's how I felt after my divorce being married for 25 years, but we have kept in contact, although topics we discuss vary and if either of us don't want to talk about a specific topic then it's not or one of us avoid it.

He may only be making those comments from the last two years because he has someone else, but he certainly should not have acted in a threatening manner, that would scare anyone.

The reason why he can't remember is that it's been happening for a long time behind your back and that's the most painful part to this situation and that items were bought using your card without your knowledge.

It's up to you whether or not you want to communicate with him, but as you have moved out you can start a new life with someone who totally loves you.

Can you please go to your doctor and I say this because of your crying, it may mean you are suffering from depression, although I'm not qualified to say, but they will and then begin the help you need. Geoff.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Tigerlily1~

Yes people do say to 'move on'. As far as I can see they are the ones who have not been though it. I never found I moved on. Two things happened. Time blunted the grief and taught me though practice to handle it, and secondly new fresh events in my life pushed the old hurting ones to the back. Takes patience and fortitude.

The only moving on I'd suggest is to not read FB etc which are constant sources of poison. He is her problem now.

Nobody is an angel, the whole basis of being with another is that shortcomings are forgiven and compensated for, everyone is human, nobody perfect.

I doubt very much that all 12 years were a waste. I'm sure at the start and for a considerable period the relationship would have been fine between you. It's only more recently things have not gone so well. If he says the last couple of years maybe, for him that is the case. Not that this would reflect on you in any way, more on his mental state.

Remarking you might be overly friendly with people in the association really seems to indicate insecurity and an inability to trust. And now in all probability the anger and hate he is putting forth is a sign of guilt. If his kids did not take you on board with love then that would be an additional factor.

Geoff's suggestion of seeing your GP is pretty reasonable, as might be a grief coucellor


Hi Tigerlilly,

What has happened to you is very sad, its the worst pain in my experience.

Sadly you will probably get the answers from him. I spent 5 years trying myself to get closure, but in the end, I had to put it down to my ex being a selfish narcissist who cares for nobody but themselves. They lie, shift blame, and discredit the innocent person.

Now I feel that she done me a favour by setting me free from her puppet strings and acid tongue.

Read up on narcissism, you might be surprised at what is revealed to you.

Geoff is right in saying to see a doctor, you might need a referal to a therapist/councelor.

Good luck, and peace and love,