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Cannot move on, extreme anxiety, hate life
So I am a 24 year old girl and i have been on and off with my bf for 7 years. Ive had bfs before who have treated me bad and ive just left and never lost sleep over. But with this bf its taking over my life. If in not with him and he doesnt want me everything in life is depressing and nothing makes me happy. As soon as i get a msg from him i get so incredibly happy. I cant even begin to explain the bad things hes done to me you wouldn't understand why i still want him if i did. I just bought him a silver chain for his 30th & took him to a hotel and dinner for our anniversary, i never get anything in return but i accept it. I am his first gf and hes always said hes not interested in anyone but me. I believed that. He has depression anxiety and is on anti psychotics. For the last couple of months we had no intimacy or sexual anything. From his part only. The last couple of weeks ive been so in love and weve been more affectionate. Until last Sat i went through his laptop history and found adult websites. Now you'll probably say oh all guys do it, its normal. This is my ultimate no no and its done. I already have the worst self confidence issues because of him. What makes it worst is he lies and doesnt tell me about it.& we got intimate that weekend the video was watched. i am so confused as to why he'd wanna watch that disgusting stuff. Am i not good enough. I now hate myself even more and im sick of people saying you need to move on or only you can do it. 3 yrs ago i saw a psych and it did nothing. Even been on meds. I cannot get over this guy no matter what. The anxiety that runs through me knowing he doesnt care but we always get back together. But this time i cant get the images out of my head and why he did what hes done and what else does he lie about? Atm im building a house. I have wanted it for over 5 years. You think id be so happy in my life right now, right?? Wrong. Unless i have him, nothing can make me happy. He doesnt work, is over 130kg, has mental health issues but i love him. He says all the time i bring him down. I feel so ugly and not good enough. I just want him to have not done this.how many times. He says just once but he lies and doesnt care. I cant lie to him if i wanted to. Its cheating. Hes watching naked people & enjoying it. Hes not ir typical male who does it. It upsets me that he doesbt msg or reply because to be honest i know he doesnt care about me. What do i do can't get over him. 7 yrs of this and i cant. Help me
Hi Steph, welcome.
Well I have my views and I asked, for the first time, my wife's view. My view is, that if he is loyal to you and loves you and tells you he does, its harmless but.....he should respect your feelings and stop it, forever. Which is unlikely.
My wife's view (she's over 50 yo) is that it shouldn't bother you.
When you meet a guy do you have a long list of requirements? We all have a short list of mandatory needs like physical attraction, humour, similar interests etc. But the rest of our desires in an ideal partner need to be "blended" eg discussed until a compromised is reached or tolerated eg things you will never change in a guy but you'll put up with.
My uncle and auntie had 7 children on a farm. My uncle took up smoking. My auntie hated him smoking but said little. I asked her (I was 12yo) what she was going to do about it. She said "Oh well, he's a good dad, works hard and loves me....so he's near perfect so that's close enough for me. We all have our vices)
In the end it's your call. But I'd suggest if your boundaries are too stringent few guys will match them.
Hi Stephd91. You've just given us 2000 reasons why you realise he's not good for you, now give me one good reason why you want to stay. Everything you say is what's not good with your bf, the way he talks to you, lies constantly, couldn't care whether you're there or not. It's almost like you're addicted to him. Even you've said you don't know why. To you, is he good looking? Handsome to you, that is? He has absolutely no respect for you, if he decided to start seeing another girl, it wouldn't worry him if you saw him, he'd probably laugh. I'm not going to say, 'get over him, move on' what I am going to say is love, respect goes two ways. He neither loves or respects you, if you are happy to stay so be it. If you're not, tell him what you expect from him. You actually don't even have a relationship, you have - nothing. He has everything, you are selling yourself short, but it's your call.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Dear Steph with respect to the people who have already replied including Tony's comment about "setting the bar to high"- I disagree. You are caught up in a unhealthy relationship where your self esteem is now zero & you don't yet have the confidence or self esteem to move on. I urge you to see your GP and get referred to a Pyschologist. You are in a very bad place just wanting tokens from someone who will never show you love or respect. Your priority is working on your low confidence & working through the issues that keep you in an abusive relationship. None deserves to be treated as you are. You need help to get the confidence to leave. Right now your just taking the crumbs he occasionally throws at you.
please get help for yourself. You are in a bad place.
There has been so much excellent advice provided above I will only point out a couple of things that I hope may help you. I can see you are in a toxic situation here as from what you have mentioned.
You wrote "I already have the worst self confidence issues because of him".....This is a huge red flag. I know what you mean but remember that you are with him.....so you are actually enabling your own self confidence to be compromised. Even if you cant make a decision now...Mares mentioned seeing a GP. Please do so now.
You nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so....Your health is paramount here....all other considerations are secondary.
Please place yourself first...Its the only healthy choice now