Can’t stop crying

[melmie]

Hello,

I have not been feeling too well mentally, I can’t seem to sleep properly and sometimes I can’t stop crying. My father came back from a trip from Chile 2 days ago and he was gone for 5 months. In that time, I couldn’t control anything or handle it because he promised my mum and I that he’d be back by 10 days. They nearly divorced and my mum was depressed and had multiple panic attacks in that time. When he returned, he wasn’t the father that I loved. He started smoking as he was influenced by his friend. My mum told me he’d have 10 a day while he was in Chile and it didn’t bother me at all for some reason, but today I went upstairs for 5 minutes to get changed and I find him outside smoking. This was the second time I saw him today so far, he promised he’d quit soon but I doubt it. He smokes menthol cigarettes which I know are the worst and are so hard to quit. I can’t stop crying, he’s so different and, as selfish as it is, I wish he never came back. Everything is different and awkward and I’m so sad but I have no idea why. Of course I missed him, of course I’m overjoyed for him finally returning, but I can’t help but wish my life was back to normal and I was better. I can’t stop shaking and I’ve been crying for half an hour and no one knows, I’m a mess. I don’t know why I feel like this, please help me. I’m only 12, I don’t want people to think I’m doing this for attention but I want to feel better.

Kind regards,

Isabelle

[white knight]

Hi Isabelle, welcome here.

Some advice I give you will be tough, some easy so lets give it a go eh.

Your dad is a grown man able to make his own decisions on his addiction to cigarettes. It is really pointless (I'm an ex smoker) to make any mention of it of get upset about it until...he one day says "I'm serious about giving up and have taken these steps to try and do so". Only then can you be supportive...until that time forget it.

Your dad going for so long after promising only 10 days highlights the likelihood that he has other issues in his life and might have wanted to get away. Parents have a habit of not disclosing internal issues between them, to other people especially their children of your age. These possible issues are between them. It is highly likely that any issues your dad has isn't about you. So, you love your dad immensely and you don't want to damage this loving relationship at all. So, again distance yourself from any issues that might be confidential.

What is really great is your concern for your dad's health and happiness. What a daughter you are, truly amazing.

At your age many changes are happening mentally and physically. I suggest you ask your mum if you can visit the doctor for a chat, nothing major. These doctors are really great for a talk and some personal questions can be asked without judging you. Tell him or her that you cant stop crying. There are illnesses like anxiety and dysthymia and depression and anxiety that can do this to you. You need to chat away and the doc will do something about it.

So, I hope you see that your dad does love you a lot and I know you think a bit like you wished he didn't come back but there is a thing called "empathy" that is really important. It means walking in someone elses shoes and is extremely hard to do. It means trying to think what the other person is going through. He could have a serious health issue that prevents him giving up cigarettes for example or his problem is bothering him.

Try to be kind towards him. Even ask for a chat with him alone....suggest going for a walk. There is an easy way- write a short letter telling him everything and give it to him at a park.

Tony WK