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Can't keep going like this
Hi, I'm posting this as I'm not sure I can keep going the way I am at present.
My partner had an acute depressive/psychotic depressive episode last year and was hospitalised twice within 3 months. We spent a lot of time apart while he was getting treatment with specialists and I looked after my son by myself for about 3 months. TO say the last 8 months or so have been the hardest of my life is an understatement. however, we're here on the other side and things are getting better. Only I feel like they aren't. I wake up every morning feeling seriously unhappy - I don't want to go to work, I'm horrible when I'm at work and I am constantly overly emotional with my toddler which upsets me even more. He is going through the terrible twos and constantly wines. I am trying so hard to be patient however, with the way I'm feeling at present, my patience runs out very quickly. I know I"m not the only one but I hate the way I behave towards him.
I used to be such a happy person before this all happened. I haven't been intimate with my partner since July last year and before that, it was pretty sporadic. We were very happy but we've grown apart. I can't put my finger on it. I just feel so disillusioned with everything at the moment. I just don't want to wake up angry anymore and want to feel like myself again. I constantly feel as though something bad is going to happen and that I'm not doing enough. I used to have so much motivation but lately it's all gone. I don't know whether it's to do with my relationship with my partner, or myself may be a bit of both. Any advice would be appreciated.
There has been a lot of extra stress and concerns in your life over the last year. At the same time, you have been working too. Looking after a young child, can be exhausting in itself. There has been a lot depending on you and it has taken its toll. Your inner resources have taken a nose dive. They can only be stretched so far. It is probably more a case of doing too much than not enough.
Kudos to you for courageously acknowledging there is a problem and reaching out.
I'd suggest you do the K10 test (see the Facts section, top left of this page). It would help you get a better idea of what you may be up against.
Next step would be to make a long GP appointment for an honest talk about the way you feel. You may need counseling to help you over this rough patch. You need to take care of your mental/emotional health so that you can continue to be functional, both at home and at work. A proper diagnosis is needed before you can manage the situation.
Mental health concerns can change the dynamics of a relationship. Would your partner agree to joint counseling sessions ? It could help you reconnect regardless of the issues affecting you both.
Meanwhile, is there a way you could get help with your toddler ? Could a family member/close friend/babysitter contribute a few hours to look after him ? While we are busy looking full time after others, our own needs are relegated to the back burner. If kept up with indefinitely, this can easily lead to burn out. It would be beneficial if you could find a bit of spare time to do your own thing and reclaim some head space. It is not being selfish...just wise.