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Can’t forgive myself for betraying my ex
Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.
I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad about it because it was all my fault. It’s also why it’s hard to come here and ask for help, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.
I cheated on my ex by sexting another. Years before that I even went to pay for sex, I didn’t do it but I hate myself for it. I even told people I had so they could hate me as much as I hated myself. I lied about little things, I lied about big things. I disrespected her and took her for granted. I lost her trust and respect. I was supposed to look after her. The thought of having made her feel worthless and alone physically makes me feel ill.
I have issues. Anxiety, depression, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, but I’m not comfortable talking about it. No one knows, I never even told my ex. I only just have the courage to admit it here because I need help. I’m not blaming any of it for my actions, plenty of people have those issues and not cheat. I’m still just trying to figure out how I could hurt this person so much and who I am.
I cry & drink myself to sleep almost every night. Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain. I’m not okay, I have intrusive thoughts, I don’t sleep, I have near constant anxiety and I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. For the pain I put her through. I keep punishing myself, I feel worthless and the disgust, self loathing and guilt that comes with that knowledge is overwhelming.
She started seeing someone else and I’m truely happy for her, she’s moved.. But it’s hard for me knowing someone else is making her happy, which is what I should have been doing. Instead I made her cry.
I legitimately hate myself.
Hello F_55, firstly thank you for posting. Apart from the personal abuse, I am in same situation … my partner of 27 years left me, for all the same reasons … I understand every da6 for me gets harder … I Also cry 3/4 times a day .. it never makes the pain go away… i caused her so much pain and hurt… I don’t deserve her love I deserve the karma I am getting … she is my soul mate and I now know I took her for granted and I am completely dead inside, I have no drive energy no will not even for our children .. she knows I feel dead … I was admitted to hospital last night they said it’s the start of a nervous breakdown … I can’t heal your pain, but I can give empathy ..
I am all lone here in Australia no friends due to my self isolation (depression) now lost my partner … but I bless you and pray you stop,drinking as it won’t help I promise talking more is better.
Welcome to the forums and thankyou for sharing your story. I know it can be really hard to make the step to reach out and share a part of your life but please know this is a really safe and supportive space. The community would like to help you through this time however we can.
I'm really sorry to hear you've been struggling with your mental health, as well as through this separation from your partner. It's an awful feeling to reflect back on our behaviours after a relationship when we weren't at our best (I've been there). But please remember that given all you've been dealing with and bottling up, you should be kind to yourself.
I can feel from your post you are hurting. This is understandable, you're dealing with a lot right now. But the fact you have taken this step to acknowledge how you're feeling is a great step, and can be the beginning of your path towards feeling better.
Have you considered speaking to a GP about how you've been feeling, to get a referral for a psychologist? You can get a mental health care plan made for 10 free or discounted sessions with bulk billing providers. Even if you don't feel ready to open up about certain parts of yourself, it is an extremely helpful step to have someone in your corner to work through your emotions and build the skills to manage them better. Seeing a psych changed my life forever, after I realized I was riddled with anxiety and depression from childhood trauma.
Let us know how you go.
Welcome to our online community.
We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so heartbroken and worthless, and experiencing a lot of self-loathing right now. That all sounds very distressing.
We are so glad to hear that you feel comfortable enough here to share that you experience anxiety and depression. It must be hard keeping this to yourself. Do you have a doctor with who you could share these feelings? At the moment it sounds like you may be self-medicating with alcohol, which can have negative, long-term impacts on your mental health. If you speak to your doctor, then he or she will be able to refer you to the appropriate support.
Please also know that you are always welcome to anonymously make contact with our support service. We have counsellors available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They can talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals. Although our counsellors may ask for your first name and some general details, you can inform them that you'd like to remain anonymous.
If things become too overwhelming for you, please remember that crisis support services exist, such as Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000 – Triple zero) if you find yourself to be in immediate danger.
We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.