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Can't find anyone like my last partner
Hi, so basically I had a crush on someone who id known for quite sometime and finally spoke to her, surprisingly we hit it off and clicked straight away. She loved me for who I was and we had hundreds of great chats together.
However the relationship was very complicated, she had been hurt in the past and it took forever before she was ready to date me. The first 2 dates went well but im socially awkward and couldnt get comfortable around her, this led to her leaving me basically as she could feel the awkwardness, that was after the 5th date (she felt no progress). This wasn't the first issue we'd had either. So I thought it was best we parted ways after that (she offered friendship and nothing more)
So I'd lost a great partner and a good friend in the process, it's been nearly a year since we parted ways. I've never been able to find someone i click with or who loves me for me ever since she left. Due to my social awkwardness I fear I'll never find someone like her again.
What can I do? I know I cant win her back as she's moved on, and im too socially awkward to strike up a conversation with anyone i might like. What should I do?
Feeling socially awkward is so hard because we feel like we have to always be on our best or people will reject us.
When you say you feel too socially awkward to strike up a conversation with anyone you might like, it sounds like you're projecting your current habits into the future indefinitely. I wonder whether this is something you can challenge?
Perhaps you can share with us what you find hardest, but in my experience it has been rejection. If I can learn to accept that someone I like, whether romantically or otherwise, may not reciprocate, it will make it easier for me to initiate that conversation. Perhaps it is worthwhile for you to think about why you feel like your current habits will continue and how best to challenge them?
Also, I honestly believe that there's no such thing as "the one", simply many people with whom we could get along well with. You will find many people as time goes on whom you connect with. It is very likely that you will miss out on opportunities and lose friends along the way, but each time is a learning process so that future friendships and relationships are better and stronger than those that came before.
You're doing really well to have given this person, who sounds like she was lovely, a go. But more importantly, you're doing really well to have given yourself a chance to grow as a person. Keep it up!
Sorry to hear about all that mate. I went through a long phase of social awkwardness in my younger years and found it really difficult to overcome but the best thing I ended up doing was simply challenging myself all the time. Forcing myself into social situations allowed me to develop my social skills even though it was bloody uncomfortable. If you're really worried about this carrying on into your future then think about putting yourself in said situations.
Take a class in something, join a club, speak to the cashier at Coles, say hi to passersby on the street, make new friends outside your immediate circle and don't focus all your mental energy on the fact that you think you're awkward as it'll just stunt your ability to improve. I found that backpacking overseas for a few months did so much to help me and now I'm generally the most confident person in the room. You aren't destined to be awkward forever it's generally just a phase until you put in some work to improve. Do it, deal with the anxiety later and reap the benefits.
Hi Haydos. Speaking as an emotionally abused ex wife I would like to try to ease your mind a bit if I may. This lady you met and obviously 'clicked' with could've still been in the process of 'getting to know herself'. I left my ex at the end of 2015 after 25 years of emotional abuse. Like your friend I felt uncomfortable talking to anyone as I felt I wasn't good enough for their company. It's quite possible she was attracted to you, but I know with me I couldn't even meet someone eyes when talking to them as I could still 'hear' my ex berating me for how I spoke. I am now in a relationship and the person I am involved with understands completely how hard it was for me to even trust another guy much less become involved with one. When you say she has moved on, are you positive of this or do you just suspect it? Do you know where she lives? I suggest you write to her and either hand deliver it (if you know where she lives) or post it. The person I'm involved with has taken his time getting me to learn to trust him. Explain in the letter you feel a bit awkward and don't wish to push her away. Ask if she'd be willing to see or talk to you. At this stage you have nothing to lose.
Thanks for your reply.
Sorry to hear about your previous relationship. It's good to hear you've found someone to move ahead in life with. She had gone through a very similar situation before she got together with me.
I know for a fact she is with someone else and they have even moved in together. I have pretty much given up on the idea of getting her back, I know that ship has sailed sadly. Im more trying to focus on any social awkwardness from here on I think.
All the best with your future.
Hey, thanks for your reply.
I've always considered joining a club, it's just hard to get into the mindset of actually getting out and doing it (slightly lazy lol)
But I'm at the point in life where I want to start tacklimg this issue if possible. Ive just always had the thought that social awkwardness is something that can't be overcome.
Thanks for your advice.
Hi Haydos. With your social awkwardness, can I ask if you're aware of how it started? I had similar issues with being unsure of myself when talking to people I'm introduced to. My immediate thought was am I good enough for them to talk to me, am I saying, acting 'right?' My insecurities which is basically your problem stem from an abusive childhood, followed by a string of toxic relationships. When we are children, our basic needs are met by parents who we hope understand and guide us till we reach maturity. If we are left to 'paddle our own canoe' this can lead to all sorts of problems with interacting with others. As I mentioned in a previous post, my ex hubby's treatment of me over the 25 year period, did nothing to help me build my confidence. I had to find a volunteer job just before I finally left him. Having him home 24/7 wasn't something to inspire my confidence either. Through my work, plus building relationships with my work colleagues etc, my insecurities about my inabilities to be part of a team has done wonders for me. Getting the courage to leave and rebuild my life has been hard, but rewarding as I have grown within myself. There are still some areas that need guidance, but these will be worked out through my determination, plus my bf's never-ending patience. Even if he wasn't in my life, I know I would survive, it would be hard and I would miss him terribly, but my instinct for survival has surfaced, making me stronger and determined.