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How does anyone deal with a family member who's obviously disturbed but refuses to discuss anything about her feelings with you? My sister, from a very young age was always extremely selfish, arrogant and haughty with other children, and an expert at throwing tantrums to get her own way. She's still the same, at 60. Her rages are legendary, and she's at her rudest with those who've done the most to help her. I begged her to talk to me about what troubles her, but she accused me of trying to gather information to use against her. Her relationships are intense and always with men who drink heavily. When I asked her what the attraction to violent drunkards is, especially as they always end in drama and hysterics, and herself screaming at us to rescue her, she tore me apart. Worst of all are the lies. For instance, I saw her on a computer at our local library, spoke briefly, and went to visit our Mum, who was frantically packing bags and told me to get her a taxi. Sis had just rung to inform Mum that she was in the infectious diseases hospital and wanted Mum to visit her.. I nearly fell over, and told Mum that Sis was NOT in any hospital, but the library! Why on earth would anyone do that to their mother?? She tells terrible lies about people behind their backs, ( family included) and does so very believably. I warned her that she'd end up without a friend in the world if she kept that up, but her response was a screaming tirade. She lies to play off people against one another, and has been responsible for many a neighbour and family feud, She's had countless different addresses and rarely stays long anywhere, usually due to neighbours calling the police on her when she's abusing and threatening them. She can turn on the charm like a tap when it suits her, is very attractive and witty, but it never lasts. Everyone in her orbit eventually finds themselves in the firing line and leaves. Having her in the house is like sitting on a powder keg not knowing if, when or why the fuse will be lit. She literally exhausts everyone. Even at funerals, the focus has to be on herself,usually describing all the ghastly diseases she suffers from ( which she reads up in medical books but has never had.) She's a vegan, with loads of compassion for animals, but none whatsoever for people. If anyone can suggest what drives her, I'd be very grateful!
4 Replies 4

Community Member
Hi Buggywug, Welcome to the forums. You and mother’s feet must to be so sore from walking on all those egg shells for so many years. Your sister is an adult and is responsible for herself her own behaviour and the consequences of it. You need to say if you fight with your neighbours you will be homeless and you won’t be living with me. I take it your mother is very elderly I’d hate to think her last years are still gonna be dealing with someone who should be told to leave. You and your mother are the ones enabling don’t. Let her enjoy the rewards of her behaviour. Dan ...

Community Member
Hi Buggywug. Wow, you certainly have a theatrical sister. From what you describe, her obsession with being with violent drunkards, her violent, disruptive personality, I tend to wonder about your and her childhood. If we grow up in a world dominated by violence, abuse, alcohol etc, it becomes 'the norm'. A parent who habitually abuses her child eventually has the tables turned when the child turns on mum. The child has grown up with this and sees it as quite normal. Your sister obviously has your mum completely hoodwinked and mum still cares for her. Mum's never stop being mum's and children, especially girls gravitate to mum because she's the safe harbour. I suspect strong narcissist behaviour brought on by the controlling narc trait (Waif). Mum possibly sees you as the stronger one and your sister needing help and support. Your sister learnt early that playing the victim makes your mum want to protect her, so the cycle began and has grown stronger. Try googling narc traits (Waif) in particular. There's not a lot you can do to change this. Maybe just help mum and be there for her. Try avoiding your sister because she will bring you down. Narcs all have one thing in common. They have extremely low (no) self esteem and will do their best to drain everyone around them. It's pointless trying to tell mum that your sister is lying, this will turn mum against you and she may accuse you of jealousy.

Thanks, Paddyanne. I thought it would probably be narcissism!! Our father was a drunkard and I did suggest to my sister that I think this is an influence, but she ripped me apart whilst denying that dad was a drunk. I think pulling the plug is the only solution. Being in her orbit makes everyone feel that they're going crazy. For ages she had us believing that she had a serious psychiatric illness, but would never divulge what it was- now I tend to think it's just a matter of personality ( disorder) . Thanks for listening to me!

Hi Lonelydan, you are so right- walking on eggshells is exactly what it's been like for years! As I'm the eldest, I was raised to look after the younger ones, but my limit has been reached. All those years when I was convinced that she had some terrible illness, but now, I think it's just her personality or a personality disorder. You are right, she has to accept the consequences. Thanks for responding!!