Brother issues

[shorti]

Hi all,
 

My 33 year old brother still lives at home with my dad.  He has serious anger management issues. When something doesn't go his way he flips and smashes up the house. My dad's tv cabinet has been smashed up, the kitchen sink no longer works, kitchen cupboards are broken, the list goes on. He has also physically assaulted my dad.

I'm so worried but my dad won't do anything like kick him out or call the

police. The reason is because he is not street smart. He doesn't know how to save money, so can't rent anywhere. We don't know what he spends it on, and he is always losing his job. Then he doesn't know how to find another one. We have to do everything for him, write resumes etc. When he is unemployed he doesn't apply for Centrelink because it's all too hard.
My dad got him a referral to a psychiatrist but he won't go see one.

I'm worried about my dad because he is 65 and should be enjoying his life. He works full time still just to get away from my brother.

My brother was told his job may have to let him go because there isn't enough work, so he came home and smashed the house up in anger. I don't live at home, but I heard this from my sister who moved to a country town to rent because she can't afford the rent in the city and she just had to leave home. She wanted to stay home to save for a house deposit but she just can't live like that.

My brother always had anger management issues even in primary school but mum and dad never got him any help and now he's 33.

Could he have ADHD?

Whenever we try and give him advice he won't listen and then tells us he is

suicidal, but we think he is saying that so we just leave him alone. My uncle gave my dad a number for a CAT team I think it is who are psychiatrists that you can bring to the house when there is an outburst. I don't know why dad doesn't just ring them. 
Sorry for rambling but I'm worried about my dad. His

father died of a heart attack at 67, so my dad is around this age.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear shorti,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums.

I am so sorry this is happening to your father, you and your family, your brother is 33 years old and definitely knows right from wrong, your brother hitting your father is a criminal offence and not acceptable at all…..As hard as it would be for your father, he should charge him with assault…as well as destroying your father’s person possessions….it could be the wake up call he desperately needs….Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, to protect ourselves from harm…and help the ones we love..

Its really hard, no nearly impossible to make someone get the help they need when they don’t want to….your brother breaking up your dads house through anger or anything else is again so wrong….but I know you know that already…The only way to get your brother a diagnosis is through his Dr…it’s sad he doesn’t want to him himself….maybe something is underlaying deep in his mind, that’s causing these anger outburst, with him seeing a mental health professional these things can sorted through and addressed…

I really don’t have much advise to give you…but wanted you to know that we care, and are listening…

My kindest thoughts dear shorti, with my care.

Grandy..

[David35]

Has he ever had a head injury? The reason I ask is that I was behaving the same way about 15 years ago before I got diagnosed with a mild brain injury as a result of a head injury I had experienced 10 years earlier. And the lack of maturity in my frontal lobe (part of brain that was damaged) also causes lack of impulse control. I used to smash things on the ground, punch doors, etc. All similar behaviour.

Even if that's not true, I would still pursue a psychiatrist. Easier said than done. I was dragged off to see mine by parents. But the diagnosis essentially saved my life. I'm not sure where my life would have gone without an understanding of how to manage my diminished mental capacity. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Shorti

I'm really sorry to hear about the family violence issues affecting your family. At 65 your dad would typically be described as "elderly" at law, and what your father is experiencing is elder abuse from his son.  Elder abuse is a form of family violence and it's not okay, but you already know that.

I can certainly understand the negative impact this is having on you and the rest of your family, and why you are so worried for your dad, particularly given his family health history.  You sound like a loving and caring person and I know your dad is lucky to have you. 

It's really important that you look after your own mental health right now.  Be kind to yourself, eat well, exercise and take a break from your worries to do something you enjoy each day.  You will be better able to support your dad if you look after yourself.

Clearly the situation is unsustainable and your brother needs help but, if he won't seek it, he really must leave the family home.  There could be many reasons why your father won't take action, including shame, fear, embarrassment, guilt and love and worry for your brother. I think your father will need a lot of support and perhaps guidance to take action.

Perhaps you could Google elder abuse in your state and have a look at the various seniors' rights organisations that are in place.  If you can increase your knowledge of the issue and ways your father or you and your siblings can take action it could be useful.   For example, it could be possible that you and/or your siblings could report the abuse to the police.

I wish there was an easy solution for you, I really do.  But see what you can find out about what supports are out there for your father and perhaps hold a family meeting to discuss the matter and brainstorm an action plan.  Just my thoughts, but that's where I'd start.

Kind thoughts to you

[shorti]

Thank you to all that commented, I know it's been awhile since I originally posted. I looked up elders abuse and there was a lot of useful information there. My sister and I had never heard of elders abuse so it's good to know.

Last weekend was the final straw. After my brother went mental at my sister, and smashed up the bathroom, my dad went to the police station and the police came and arrested my brother. Dad was so upset, it's been really hard on him because after all it's his son. 

My brother is now staying with my other brother and will eventually face the magistrates court, no date has been set yet. My dad has explained to the police that he doesn't want my brother to have a criminal conviction, basically just wants the magistrate to force him onto a mental health plan or to see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.  The police asked them if they ever felt threatened and they answered no. I feel like they gave the wrong answer because my brother has bashed my dad before. They are still protecting my brother I feel. I understand why, he is family and my dad wants him to still be able to get a job and any criminal conviction will mean it will come up on a police check, but this will be considered a first offence and I doubt a magistrate will convict him anyway being a first offence and no prior convictions. I just pray the magistrate will put him on a mental health plan and I'm so worried it won't happen and nothing is going to change.  I'm just so frustrated.