Broken Hearted

[BrokenHearted88]

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago. We had been together for almost 3 years (living together for 2 and a half and speaking every day for nearly 4). We met over 7 years ago as friends, he moved to the UK 5 years ago & I moved to try and make a go of things a few years ago. everything was perfect. He helped me through a very tough and confusing time in my life, taught me to love and respect myself and showed me what I deserved in a partner. He lost his mum early on and I helped him through the grief of loosing a single mother as a single child. 5 months ago I had to leave the UK due to Visa and the plan was for him to stay an extra 12 months to get his UK citizenship then move back to Aus so we could continue our life together. We continued to speak every day and skyped 4X a week. He came to visit me 3 weeks ago and we had a wonderful time in Aus visiting each others families and enjoying our short but treasured time together. From the beginning I had been clear with him that I wanted a family - kids and a long-term commitment. He was coming around to the long-term commitment side of things (talking about buying a house together) but was still unsure if he ever wanted kids. I am 28 so I am still young and am happy to wait another 3 or so years before I start a family but I needed to know if he would ever want that with me so I asked him again and this time the answer was flat out no. we broke up on his last day in Aus and I am utterly broken hearted and saddened. I have massive separation anxiety as we spoke every day for nearly 4 years. I know it was the right thing for both of us and I know I will learn to love someone again but right now i cant imagine ever loving anyone else. we still love each other which makes it harder. I feel so lonely and hollow. I honestly thought he would come around and want the same things as me. Can anyone relate to me and/or offer any kind words of support?

[pipsy]

Dear BrokenHearted. My name is Lynda. Boy, what a huge let-down for you. You pinned everything on this relationship and it didn't work. Reading between the lines a bit, it sounds as though he's had a rethink while waiting to come over and changed his mind re: family. Obviously the marriage part suits him, perhaps he wants to continue travelling a bit. I presume from your post he's returned to England. Perhaps it might be a good idea to write and ask him what he wants. Men mature a bit slower than women, perhaps the thought of children made him think that he'd be 'tied'. Marriage doesn't always mean 9 to 5 work, then home, with the odd holiday. It can mean all sorts of different things. During the four years of writing/skyping was the subject of children ever discussed? I would write to him again, maybe suggest some sort of compromise. He's been through such a lot of changes, losing his mum would've been a shock, even if he was expecting it.

Don't give up yet. Hopefully something can be sorted. Lynda.

[BrokenHearted88]

Thank you for your reply Lynda, we had discussed children before and his answer was always ' I don't know' when I asked him if he would ever want them. It was still 'i don't know' when we broke up. He seemed to be coming around to the idea slowly as I even had him discussing names with me but the idea of having them any time soon frightened him. I don't think he feels he has time for them in his life and I think he is worried he will not make a good father as he has had a very unsettling life of his own where his father has not been great (his father lives in London with a wife and three children separate to his mother). I know he has a lot of things to work through and I do not blame myself or him for this breakup but it is hard for me to understand how he can give up on us like that. (His mother died unexpectedly of a heart attack after visiting us in the UK 2 months earlier and meeting me for the first time)

He said it was the best for both of us because he thought i would make an excellent mother and he wouldn’t
want to deprive me of that. I don’t really know if there is much I can do but
it feels so raw and painful at the moment and I am worried I will shut down my own ability to love again for fear of this happening again. We have decided to talk in three weeks over skype to give ourselves some space and then discuss the situation with more clarity. I just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I don’t want to give up hope or give up loving him but I also realise I may have to in order to move on with my own life.

[breezasbrain]

Hello BH 88,

Seriously kudos to you for the level headedness and you are 100% correct you will learn to love again, the day might be super soon or really far, that's not important though. I have definitely been where you're at. The void is epic isn't it? After engaging and connecting with someone on that level, all of the time invested..

But the thing is, we really cannot rely on anyone else for love - what a boring cliche but it is the truth. The relationship you have with yourself right now is paramount. Acknowledge the sadness and the heartbreak, talk to the feeling, listen to it. It is good to cry, it's good to know that you are going through a process and it is with yourself now, more so than with him. On the flip, treat yourself to good food, magazines and time with friends. Keep talking to yourself and allowing your heart to grieve, the early stages are the tough bits, with time you will feel liberated again.

You're super young with an amazingly giving heart, no matter what happens always focus on you. You are the whole story regardless of your loved one, and one day soon you will meet another soul you connect with possibly on an even deeper level 🙂

Bree

[pipsy]

Dear BrokenHearted. All the cliché's in the world here, learning to love and trust again etc, aren't much comfort now. In time they will be, but in the meantime, let yourself grieve as you would with the loss. I would imagine he's terrified that loving a child or spouse frightens him because he loved his mum and lost her. Even if he knew his mum was dying, the actual death would still have thrown him. Give him the three weeks as per requested, then see how he is. If he still feels the same that he isn't husband/father material, I'm sorry, but there's not a lot you can do. He was an only child with a solo mum, I should imagine he had quite a bond with her. You said her death was unexpected, plus his contact with his father was almost non-existent, so fatherhood would be quite terrifying.

He needs time to 'heal' from his pain, before continuing with his life. If in three weeks, he is fairly adamant about how he feels re: marriage, children etc, and the answer is still 'no'. Then, perhaps you can start your own healing process. You seem to be in 'limbo' at the moment, not a happy feeling, this feeling will pass, once you know whether it's 'on' or 'not'.

Lynda.

[2blue]

Dear BrokenHearted,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Break-ups are very tough. I have been there too. Right now you are experiencing very normal emotions. Grief, disbelief, denial are all normal emotions and I can relate to your experience of anxiety too. The good news is that these feelings and the intensity of these feelings are only temporary, but it will take time. The old saying "Time heals old wounds" is true. You may even experience new emotions like anger, I did. But that is normal too. You may find that some days are better than others, but slowly your greif will fade. As another poster suggested, go out with friends/ or family. Slowly you will create new, happier memories and company of friend/and family will help you cope with the bad feelings you are experiencing right now. Best wishes 🙂

[BrokenHearted88]

Thank you Bree and Lynda for your kind words. It does help to talk it through and hear some feedback from people outside of my circle. i really appreciate it. I'm not going to pin my hopes on him changing his mind as I think i need to let him go for now and focus on myself. Easier said than done but I really appreciate your support 🙂