Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankypu for a detailed post. I really understand.

I've had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years, the latest and the best, my second wife if 8 years. I've also got a history of suicidal thoughts and one attempt.

So I think I can comment on your situation. Your heartache is something I've experienced many times.

The one thing I'm convince with is that you can find love again and be lived as much if not more, more because of the absence of any abuse. It is understandable at this point in time that you don't feel this is possible.

So, moving forward is the issue. Moving forward in baby steps requires slowly letting go of your attachment to him and the good memories you frequent. How do you do this?

1. Distraction. Hobbies sports, expanding socially.
2. Dating. Yes dating, it will lift your self esteem and you'll see how diverse other guys are, how interesting they can be and how differently they treat you.
3. Self help.

Google-

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue topic meditation, he helped me for 25 years- Maharaji

You only need to read the first postvifceach if the above. They can help enormously.

Professional help is great but the days in between appointments need to be filled with other sources.

I'm here most evenings and other might drop by. Feel free to comment on those threads or expand further.

Well done in writing in.

TonyWK

[Lauz22]

Thank you for your reply and advice Tony.
I am sorry to hear of your heartaches and suicidal thoughts and attempt. I truly hope you are in a healthier and happier mindset.


Heartache is pain like no other.
I have never experience a broken heart, nor did I ever in a million years think I would have my heart broken the way it is now.
Hence not knowing how to deal with it.


You are right, the days between appointments can be lonely and painful.
In this environment of lockdown, I am heavily restricted to what I can do to assist with my headache.


I often spend this time reading, meditating, journaling to heal but it seems a long and emotionally tiring journey.


I have read your posts and I am able to relate and sympathise with some of your experiences. Thank you for sharing.


Right now I fear the future as I have very little faith or confidence that it will hold happiness and love.
I often feel I have lost someone who’s love for me was in my eyes, the greatest love a human could give to another.

Will that love ever return?

[white knight]

Hi Lauz

Will the love return? Yes.

In 1983 I split with my first real love after 7 years. I worshipped the ground she walked. It was my decision and it was agonizing. A few months later I bumped into her and we chatted. All the reasons why I left her flooded back to me, things like procrastination, and how our priorities differed.

20 years later I was working in her area and dropped by. I was living with another lady so no desire to reignite any relationship. There again those differences were clear. 6 years later, having split from my partner I again dropped by this long lost love. Could it be a miracle we could fall in love again?

This time in 2008 we dated a few times. I then came to the conclusion it could never be possible, that the fantasy with hope was just that, the reality was -it wasn't meant to be.

Lauz, we often say to each other on this forum "be gentle to yourself". I also say to you, be fair and realistic. Your ability to feel such depths of love is a gift you can provide to a more compatible partner as much as you won't want to hear that.

You are grieving now. It is a sad process but it will pass. It will.

TonyWK

[Lauz22]

Thank you Tony.

I have this feeling that the love I shared with my ex is the strongest love ever to exist.
I truly believe no other love on the planet comes close.

When you say you worshiped the grounds she walked, did you feel the same way? That nothing else compares or no one else could ever give you the love you had?

I am really struggling to let go. It feels like death. It feels like if I let go, I will die on the inside, he will die and the love we had will die.
It terrifies me to think I will never have his love again. It feels like I am experience a slow death over and over.

i keep thinking he will change his mind. I truly believe I know him enough to know he is acting out of pain and fear. To protect himself. And he would rather live a mediocre life of safety than risk getting his heart broken with me again.

Even though he has arranged a lawyer and made it so clear he will never return to me, my heart longs for him. I genuinely believe our love will return and one day he will come back to me.

Please help. It feels like a slow painful death.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lauz22,

Thanks for reaching out to the forums today to share how you've been feeling. We'd like to join Tony in welcoming you here, and we're so sorry to hear about your recent break-up. We can hear that this must be a really painful time for you, and we understand that after your partner being a part of your life for so long it must be a huge change for you to cope with. But please know that you don't have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you feel up to it, please also know that our Support Service is always here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can also reach out through online chat (3pm-midnight AEST) here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you can can offer some extra support, as well as advice and referrals to help you through this really tough time.

We hope you're feeling a little better since you posted, and we hope you keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

[white knight]

To answer your question-yes. When I've separated from one of my 3 past long term partners I've had that devastated hollow heart pain of which you describe.

The problem you have at the moment, is you are struggling with realism and understandably so as you are in a grief period.

It isn't healthy to remain in this grief for too long. What you are feeling is normal for you because you have deep love in your make up. However, ask around how friends have coped and for how long before they've been able to take some baby steps forward.

When some of us are not realistic we can introduce other feelings like obsessions and ignoring the negatives. Remember that happened to me until I met up again with my first love and all the memories of her negatives flooded back.

Time perhaps for you to embrace your deep loving heart as a gift but to contain it realistically, control it as it is ruling your mind and that is causing distress.

Speaking from experience you will find love again and just as deep as with this man. It will be different.

That's being positive and realistic.

Sophie_M has good advice also for your well being.

How are you feeling today and after this advice?

TonyWK

[Lauz22]

Hi Tony,

Thanks for your advice.

I agree that I am not being realistic and reasonable. That I am letting my heart and it’s desires consume my entire life to the point where I am not in a very good place.

After really understanding my faults, I feel extremely guilty and have blamed myself so much for ruining the best thing I had in my life.

I believe it’s mostly my fault that I ruined the marriage. Due to my mental and emotional instability. Or my demons I have in my mind that I projected onto my husband.
I never made him feel loved because I didn’t love myself and couldn’t accept love for myself.

All this has driven him away. I hate myself so much.
I am finding it hard to forgive myself and to let go of the only person who loves me in this world.

Is it normal to feel that you’d rather not have anyone unless it’s them?

Is it normal to feel that you don’t deserve love?

[white knight]

Hi Lauz,

Thankyou for being so honest, a breath of fresh air.

Emotional and mental instability has no "fault". No different to someone being lame and not being able to run.

Worry causes ulcers and guilt causes torment- neither solves anything.

There seems some serious self esteem issues to jump Lauz, which a therapist can help.

"Is it normal to feel that you’d rather not have anyone unless it’s them?
Is it normal to feel that you don’t deserve love"

Being in live can be so strong it enters the obsession stage. No wonder you find it difficult to move on. No feeling worthy of being lived sounds like another reason for therapy.

Google

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentors

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hi lauz

So what were you really thinking when you begged for divorce all that time ? And do you think about the bads as well now , feeling also the way you do about his love,? Do you think he might've been different if you'd been different , it sounds like you had many issues too .

All things l still wonder about the greatest love of my life and just to Tony , l was really surprised you checked back with her through life like that over such a long time spand. l said when we broke up she will think about us forever , the rest of her days , and l will too. But there's someone new now and l often think this love will reach the same depths , only it;ll happen sensibly , grow to that over time , not in an explosion form like ex happened .

For some reason with reading around , it seems very common that the most powerful of loves are often toxic and don't survive , Our seemed to be toxic l'd guess you would call it and really if our 4yrs was any sign then there is no way in hell we could've worked anyway. We had th most intensely mindblowing highs , yet the equivalent in explosions too. We had a 3 wk cycle , l'm still not sure if sh was bpd , but all the traits were there. But she also sounds so much like your ex too lauz , so black and white , so her way or the hwy , and in many ways so me me me , yet with the most intensest of love l've even seen and so why l know she will think about us for life , as l will myself .

in many ways it strange being with soone else now , how do you find that tony , although it's been decades for you yet only a few yrs for me so l suppose it's a different thing. my partner now is just the most incredible loving lovable person l've probably ever known , But the only issues is that it has come along a bit soon . Yet reading yours tony , l don't know if anytime , 10 yrs , still would be a bit soon.

Sorry lauz gotta sign off here l'll drop back when l can. rx .