Broke up with a girl I still love. Need advice to help me help her

[Paddles93]

I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of 16 months. This was a decision not made lightly. To give you an idea, she struggles with depression and anxiety. Has done for her whole Teenage/adult life. She works in hospitality on minimum wage. Living out of home and putting herself through University.

She is a beautiful 21yo who I fell deeply in love with very quickly. I had only just come out of a 7 year relationship with my high school girlfriend for 4 months before I met her. Straight away we clicked and before I knew it we were madly in love with each other.

Long story short, I very recently broke up with her. I had been feeling myself drifting away from our relationship. Lacking the commitment and motivation needed in a relationship. She has recently started seeing a psychologist who has started teaching her mindfulness. She soon started thinking that something may be wrong in our relationship but was having a really hard time understanding if it was her illness or if they were real feelings. This had a massive amount of impact on my decision. I felt it was unfair to let her treatment and well-being suffer due to my own personal problems. So I decided I had to end our relationship. She was in total shock and absolutely devastated. This decision I made was extremely difficult to make.

I am not coping very well with the choice I have made. I really need some advice.

Have I done the right thing? As much as I wish I could be able to be the man she deserves and needs I just couldn't be that. And that breaks my heart.

I know she will be taking days off work dealing with the break up. As I mentioned, she struggles to make ends meet as it is. Is it out of line to somehow try and help her financially some way? Whether it be gift voucher to help her get to and from work or buy groceries.

The way it ended was very emotional and I feel I wasn't able to express everything I wanted. All I want to do is see her and chat with her. But I know that this is probably not what she needs so soon. How long should I give her the space she needs?

I still love this girl with all my heart and I believe I have made the right decision but I really don't know what to do.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Paddles

Looks like this is your first post with us, welcome. I hope we can provide you with some support.

Thanks for explaining the situation you are in. It sounds really tricky.

On one hand you felt that you had been drifting away from the relationship, on the other hand you wanted to give her the space to work on her mental health. Have you explained this to her?

Navigating the end of a relationship is so hard, especially when it sounds like you both have feelings for each other. Only you can decide what is appropriate or not but in this case articulating what you have shared with us, might be helpful for your ex? You make the point that you don't feel you have expressed everything to her, so I think it would help you both to do this. You don't want to confuse things - but just explain more behind your decision.

When you catch up with her you can make the call about helping her financially but don't complicate things for both of you - just make it a one off.

Blue Jane

[Paddles93]

Thanks for your reply Blue Jane.

Yes this is my first time posting here. Thanks for having me, I really appreciate having somewhere like this to reach out to. I had sort advise from many friends and family already but feel they don't fully understand what having a mental illness is like and how it can effect someone. I don't pretend to know myself as I am fortunate not to suffer from a mental illness. But since being in a relationship with someone who struggles day in day out, I understand how someones actions and words can be interpreted in a completely different way.

I haven't yet explained myself 100% to her yet as I thought giving her space may be the best thing. since thinking about it more and more. And hearing from you and speaking to family, I decided to message her. letting her know that when she is ready, I would like to meet face to face and explain my decision in full and listen to anything she has to say or questions she may have. I think this will help us both have clarity and understanding of how the other one is feeling.

As far as the financial side I agree to make it known as best I can that I am only trying to help and mean no disrespect in the offer. And of course as a one off. we all need someone to lean on in hard times and hope it is met with the right intentions.

Paddles

[geoff]

hi Paddles, firstly I think that you need to ask yourself why you feel in love with her, but then suddenly started to drift away from her, a couple of scenrious could be that you were inexperienced in dealing with and this can happen if you haven't had it yourself, so you can't blame yourself for this, but I just wonder whether this illness has also grabbed you, I hope not, but perhaps if you google the K-10 test, this will tell you whether or not how youare actually feeling.
If you offer to help her financially, which is very kind for you to do, however it will still link you with her, and if it's only meant to be a 'one-off', this won't be the case, there will be times when she is desperate for financial assistance, so she will ask you.
Please let us know what sort of score you get from the test. Geoff.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Paddles

Good to hear back from you.

You make the point about friends and family not fully understanding mental health...it is true, so misunderstood by so many people still. It is no one's fault - just the way it is however over time with information and awareness I hope that everyone understands it more.

Glad to hear that you have reached out to your ex. Has she responded?

Blue Jane

[Libby1]

Break-ups are so difficult.

You seem sure this is the right decision for you. You also seem to be feeling very guilty.

Maybe it is best if you cease contact with her. It sounds as though she has parents and a psychologist to support her.

Would writing her a letter help in communicating those unsaid feelings without causing her more pain than necessary?

Sometimes dragging it out can be worse and give false hope.

Do you have someone for support for you?

Take care.

xx