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Breakup with BPD

Community Member

Hi guys,

Me and my girlfriend, who suffered from BPD, recently broke up. We were very serious for a while, but she consistently tore out my heart. She manipulated me to the point that I kept coming back, And In the process I hurt myself, my friendships, and my family. 


But despite all of the pain and cruelty, I still

suffer from moments of intense longing for her, even though I know it's better for us to stay apart. 


i loved her so much, and I put my heart and soul in to making her happy, but in the end

I only destroyed my self, and my only choice was to save what was left of me. 


But when I get lonely, I think of her, and somehow all I want is her back.

i know what I'm really longing for is love, but there is something different about breaking up with a BPD



I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience, and if you have found love again. 

I know it sounds pathetic, but I am feeling so lonely and removed, and I know if I let her back in I will be so much worse off In the end.


please help

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21 Replies 21

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi scg, welcome to beyond blue forums

Yes, you will be worse off if you return to her. Often this bad experience will only repeat and repeat until you despise her- then you'll realise it was a silly move to go backwards.

Sometimes finding love again will be the only cure for love lost. Make progress to meet other ladies and enjoy taking them out.

Leave your manipulative GF in the distant past.

Tony  WK

Community Member

HI Scg9383,

 I was in a 7 month relationship with a BPD girl and boy was it hard! She was very sick, manipulative and hard to be around. But as we know with BPDs is they have a way of intoxicating us like no other non-BPD can do. This especially becomes hard once they inevitably leave. They make us feel like we need no one else, that all our time and energy needs to be on them, but in the end its never good enough.

At first I blamed myself, that I didnt do enough, that we could make it work. But then I realised I tried my absolute best, and that she reflected her sickness onto me and made me sicker which in turn allowed her to be sicker. Its a vicious cycle.

As hard as it is now, just remember it does get easier. And yes, the cycle will keep repeating if you go back. Give yourself some time to heal, give yourself some time to be single and just enjoy hanging with friends again, making new friends and learning to be with yourself and love yourself.

And I hope in the future that you find a very nice non-BPD so you can re-learn what its like to be in a non-BPD relationship again.

All the best and strength,



Community Member

Hi Scg9383

Stay strong. Breaking up with a BPD person is complicated.

The call to go back is very, very strong - in fact it is often described as an addiction.

You are already streets ahead of most involved with BPD relationship. You have already identified what it is you need to do for yourself despite how you feel.

Well done! That is no easy feat.

It is really, really important that you remain 'no contact' as it is still early days and a time where vulnerability to return is high.

There are many forums on Narcissism that may help you in terms of how people are coping and dealing with feelings.

The good things about these forums is there are a lot of people struggling with similar issues and you will be able to relate to their experiences well.

One of the key things I was helped with was accepting the fact that in my case I drew and was the perfect partner for the narcissist. I had to unpack what experiences led me into my relationship with the Narcissist in order to ensure it did not occur again.

The research and work kept me busy and kept me on target to staying strong, understanding what had happened , why it happened and how I could better improve my wellbeing.

Learning as much as you can about BPD and your own personaility and needs is not only helpful but healing.

It will get easier. Just remember recovering from a BPD relationship is demanding as well as challenging but you will be stronger and better through your healing.

Good luck.

Community Member

Hi I am struggling to get out of a BPD relationship after 30 years of struggling.

Yes it is so hard but if I ever broke away from my BPD partner I would never come back as it is a life of suffering and waling on egg shells. I love and care about him yes but I am not happy or living the life I would like to live.

If you are now single dont go back for more , get some help if you can to help you understand why you feel the way that you do. You have done so well to break away, well done. My advise is to stay away , all the best.

Community Member

Hey scg,

i can totally relate to all you have said and i just broke up with my bpd fiance for the second time...

i like you would probably take her back in a heart beat but we must realise that separating from these toxic relationships will only benefit us.

currently im in a bad place and am really missing her especially when this all started over a cake cutter for our wedding.... Nothing i ever did was good enough and i was alienated from freinds and family.

couldnt do or say anything without it turning into something major when most would just laugh it off.

day to day life was like walking on egg shells and god forbid if i was five minutes late home.

would like to hear of other experiences from others please.......

Community Member

Hi everyone.

Firstly, I'd like to thank all of you who replied. It truly was so incredibly helpful to read your individual advice, and know that there were other people in the world who had gone through exactly what I was experiencing.

Due to all of your support, my own mental strength, and the support of family, I am so happy to say that I have fully recovered from this terrible period.

I cannot stress how important it was that I broke this relationship off. My life would be significantly worse if I was still trapped in the toxic environment that I told myself was necessary.

To anyone who is stuck in a similar situation to me, please know that recovery is possible. Please know that, even though you feel that you love your partner incredibly deeply, they will always hurt you, and you will never, ever, be the happy person you could be until you stop torturing yourself and let them go. Please, give yourself a chance. You are truly worth it.

 I went through months of wanting her back, of dreaming of her, of sweating every time I thought of her with someone else, of dreading my eternally lonely life. But as time passed, I thought of her less and less. I went out and met new people. I became more confident, and I got my opinions and ideas back. I was no longer afraid to be single, or in a relationship. I am now perfectly content with who I am, because I am finally back to myself.

And when I think back to her now, I feel a strange mix of emotions, but not the pangs of love, or guilt, or lust or hatred that hurt so much before. Now, I can simply acknowledge the fact that I fell deeply in love with someone who manipulated me so severely that I lost my sense of self, and that it was no ones fault. It simply was. And I did what was necessary for the both of us to be better people. That was the most help I could ever give her: to leave her and let her find her own place of calm. I truly hope that she does.

So after the phases of Love, Intense Confusion, Sickening Depression, Hatred and Self Loathing, I have finally arrived at Peace.

It is greatly in part to you people who replied to my original post. Thank you.

If anyone wants my opinion or advice on anything, reply to this comment and I will do my best to quickly reply.

Thank you again, and look after yourself. You're well being is immensely worth it.



wow, progress and some recovery going on. I'm so happy for you.

Onwards and upwards.

Tony WK

Community Member
Hi there, your story hit a chord with me. My ex partner has only ever been diagnosed with ADHD (he is in his 30's). We have had a very up and down relationship with both of us having alcohol issues. We 'officially' broke up a year ago but have been trying to do this tortured friendship ever since. I am clean of alcohol for 15 months now and as we share a business together I'm kind of tied to not being able to break all contact. In the meantime his personality is never give up and mine is I want peace but too nice to call this fractured relationship that we have. He is a functioning alcoholic and I'm a people pleaser that has my life on hold to his demands, temper tantrums and controlling ways. But there is still something that keeps me giving in to those demands and I don't know what to do. I am 45, I have a career in nursing now that I adore, a beautiful family yet this person in my life that only brings me grief yet that I still cater too. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Community Member


ive been with my boyfriend that has BPD for 7 months, we recently broke up because I found a text on his phone from a prostitute. Previous to this he has been the perfect partner in every way . When I broke things off he was saying he was going kill himself but was was fine when the cops came to the door (I wasn't in the same state at the time so I couldn't go see him myself), a week after that happened we met up and talked about our relationship , we kissed and hugged I views it has a good bye because as I previously stated to him I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship ( I realise that was a mistake) because of the betrail. He then tried to suicide again except I was there to stop him, he ran off and we were messaging the whole night , me trying to make him not take his life. He wants me back desperately but I don't know if I should, He was my everything I love him to bits but i don't want him to cheat on me again and three days ago when I questioned him about certain situations I had an issue with before he told me he has lied and then told me the truth. I feel bad about leaving him because he lost his job and is in debt and told me today his moves out of his rental and is now officially homeless, I don't have the means to help him because I still live at home and am a student not working. He has told me that when he takes his meds, sees his psych, eats right and exercises he doesn't get any bdp symptoms. He hasn't been doing that lately.

I don't know if I should get back with him and help him get better or if it's all just a lie and he's been taking me for a ride and once we get back together he will hurt me again.