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Breaking up with BPD
I am currently going through a very fresh break up (3 days in) that occurred around Christmas of all times with my BPD girlfriend of 3 years.
Leading up to this turmoil she was showing me engagement rings she wanted, houses we should by together, talking bout kids, booked a holiday 2 weeks before. And 3 weeks before, I made the biggest commitment of my life to stay in the same state for her and not return home.
So as you could imagine things were going great! Flying along, rosey as. I was so contempt with how things were and from what she was telling me she was too. And would always call me her "soulmate".
Then she had 1 big night out on the alcohol a week before Xmas which I knew would mean trouble. Followed by disloyal behavior which lead to a lot of hurt for me, denial by her, to self harm by her, to break up by her because she doesn't know who she is anymore and needs to find out....
What the hell happened!!?
I still can't get my head around any of this other than she's caught up in some bubble, fantasy world, and has just made the biggest mistake of her life. I was the best and most loving/caring boyfriend she ever had and the only person in her life that fully understood her.
Why would she do this to me? Her soulmate....the guy she wants to marry, buy a house with and have kids with...
I hope you are okay, it sounds like such a difficult experience. Don't think for a moment that this has anything to do with you, as you said, you are the most loving and caring boyfriend she has ever had so this must not be your fault. Do not blame yourself for any of this, you are wonderful and have done everything you can to support her and understand her.
As she suffers from BPD, what she has done could be an episode of mania, followed by an episode of depression. Is she on medication? If she isn't, she may need to be... and if she is, has she changed dose or forgotten to take it? She should speak to her doctor and a psychologist ASAP as I'm sure she does not want to lose you and the quicker she sorts herself out the quicker she can start to repair the damaged she has caused.
Her issues aside, make sure that you have the support you need... having a relationship with someone suffering from BPD is incredibly difficult and can leave you having issues of your own. Do you see a psychologist? If not, seriously consider it. They can help you to get through the emotional rides that she is taking you on, help you to understand what your girlfriend is feeling so that you know for certain it is not your fault. Looking after her needs will have taken a toll on you, don't forget you are just as important and you have your own needs.
Make sure you are getting what you need out of this relationship too, you obviously love her, but if it is damaging you, it may be best to let her go... maybe only temporarily while she sorts through some things, but maybe permanently to protect yourself. If she is not willing to get help and work on her condition, it is not fair that you should have to put up with it... but if she is trying to work on it, be patient with her as much of what she does, she didn't mean to do and will be feeling so upset at herself. I'm sure she loves you.
Please keep in touch and remember that we are all here to talk to.
Hi Tommy, welcome to the forums.
What a nasty shock this must be...Mental illness escape logic and reason. Unexpected episodes do happen, taking everyone by surprise. It seems your girlfriend needs time out to reconsider her behaviour and seek help. If she is currently seeing a counselor, a few things may need to be reassessed. An honest and open in depth talk with a professional would help her get to the bottom of this issue.
You will also need to consider your options. Do you wish to continue supporting her or is it time to move on ? Only you can answer those questions. It may take time to figure what triggered her behaviour (alcohol obviously played a part, particularly if she was on medication at the time but it is not the whole story...). The first step is obviously to figure what happened and why it did. Is there a risk of it happening again or a guarantee it will not ? What are your expectations for the future ? Has the relationship been permanently damaged or can it be repaired etc...
A lot of soul searching for both and psychological investigation for her....perhaps attend a counseling session together if she agrees. If you become confused, putting your thoughts and concerns into writing may help clarify your position to yourself.
Please look after yourself. This episode has understandably taken its toll. I hope you can rely on family and friends support to help you over this rough patch. The carpet has been pulled from under your feet. Please do not hesitate to get counseling if finding stability again proves difficult. You deserve to reclaim peace of mind.
Perhaps checking Relationships Australia could help point you in the right direction.