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BPD is the pits
I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago and have had a lot of problems because of that. Primarily my family..who really couldn't care less. I am a single mother to a teenage boy whom I love totally. I also have rescue dogs and cats and the same..I adore them all. However...I have no idea how to conduct a relationship of any kind other than with my two best friends (who have been there for me always) and children and animals. Everyone else...I just don't know how to relate and I don't know if it even matters? I work autonomously but in an environment where I can hear my colleagues...basically bitching and backstabbing and I think "this is why I am lonely" as I don't want anything to do with people like that?
The BPD makes me do stupid ridiculous things that I spend hours agonising over after the event. That last awful 'relationship' being typical. I feel so awful and useless I let the scum bags into my life then I get furious for doing so when they inevitably show their true colours and I dump them! I seem to be a magnet for all the scum bags in the world and I am totally sick of it 😞
I drink far too much and I hate myself for it . It is my only comfort . I am so sensitive to everything I can't watch the news anymore as it makes me cry. I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do anymore. I am so lonely and every day is just the same...I do everything for my son and hide my drinking from him. I hate myself so much and feel everyone hates me because of my BPD and awful behaviour in the past.
What scares me most is that I have been seeing counsellors/psychiatrists/psychologists since I was 14 and that has made no difference.. I am now 51. I have rung lifeline and in fact beyond blue to no avail...the people who answered my calls were not any help to me. The last person I spoke with was absolutely rude and horrendous and I hung up on him. So...there it is. We supposedly have all this support but we don't really. Everyone still thinks anyone with a mental health issue is just seeking attention.
The reason I have BPD is because I was neglected and abused as a young child then suffered a major trauma at age 14. I had no parental support whatsoever and I became anorexic over that. I then became an alcoholic! I have 'been' everything and pretty much 'done' everything..it is appalling that I am almost 52 years of age and still like this! I hate it....
thanks for listening 😞
I'm glad you are continuing to come here and can think it was a good idea to start another thread. I'm sorry no one had answered you as yet, however that happens here sometimes, it is no reflection on you, just we get stretched at times.
Ringing up a crisis line and having someone be rude is horrible. I guess like so many things in life you can be plain unlucky at times, hopefully the majority of contacts have been better. I'd suggest the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) as one that is normally very good indeed.
While your life is lonely I can see why you find forming a new relationship difficult, as you said you have been with a certain type, and they have taken advantage. Trying to connect with a different sort of person is a puzzle and I can only say that it might be your previous relationships started with a feeling of comfort, familiarity or ease because they all started a certain way. Maybe a feeling of wanting to 'look after' the person? That might be something to be examined in the future before matters go too far. I'm probably not putting it very well, and understand sometimes one does not have time to reflect on things as events have their own pace.
Anyway one thing I know is simply incorrect. You said "Everyone still thinks anyone with a mental health issue is just seeking attention. " While a some that are that silly, many are not. I suppose I've been lucky and have had my illness taken seriously and with support more often than not.
Trying to reduce alcohol is a problem many face, and doing so alone often is too hard, especially when it seems to answer a need. Have you thought about a support group?
Trauma in your younger days needs specials care, and it may be the medical people you have seen so far are more generalist.
You may have been and done a lot of things, despite how you feel I'd imagine an awful lot of them have been positive and rewarding. Having a son, plus your animals, is a wonderful thing, and two good friends can be a boon. Being able to cope with the rest without so much pain is what I aim for
Hi Bellaheart, welcome
I wont repeat criox's points that are spot on.
What ever our mental illness is, many of us havent developed defences needed when dealing with people. We need filters to weed out the bad ones, the ones that take advantage. Some of us want love and have no blinkers.
Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue
You will know when its time to wind back your drinking and join AA. You will do this just for your boy. Of course you cant click your fingers, you will wait until you are ready.
BPD is a complex illness. Ive always admired those with it that not only get professional help but maintain that help and you have.
My wife and I have cared for injured animals. I've been a council ranger and animal hit the spot. My wife and I also cry easily when a sad topic is on the tv like the latest beached whales. Please, look upon that quality as a good quality.
Topic: is crying good for you?- beyondblue
Your buy. Well what an achievement. He is priceless and you've done a great job with him.
Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue
This site will comfort and help. Im glad you started this thread.
Your too tough on yourself in my opinion. It's not surprising that you drink a lot if you have been through the life of a BPD sufferer and with a lack family support...
It sounds like you just haven't found the right therapist yet maybe?? It can take a while but in my experience good ones do exist that can really help make big ,positive changes!!
Ddn't give up on yourself, your clearly a soldier.
A top reply. "Soldier"...very apt.
Yes, we have to keep paddling.
I don’t have anything helpful to add (everyone before did a great job), but I just wanted to say I have BPD as well, and I can relate to the feelings you are having. (I find it very helpful knowing there are people who can relate to my experience, so I thought I’d message in case you also find it helpful).
I’m so sorry you are going through such a hard time and havne’t found the support you need.
I have never been able to watch the news, stopped as soon as I was old enough to leave the room. Last time I watched was several years ago at a friend’s house. I watched for a bit, left the room and cried over what had just been on, and came back when it was over. Honestly I don’t know how anyone can watch the news and not cry and feel despair. To me, your reaction makes way more sense than anyone else’s.
I used to drink a lot as well. I do so less now becuase it started to ruin my life; I was going down a very dark road. The thing is, life is really hard when you have BPD (not to suggest it’s not hard for others). And sometimes if you drink or overeat or shop or whatever particular thing you choose, for a few minutes you feel relief. And it’s hard to find healthy ways to get that relief, especially when you’re having what I tend to refer to as ‘an episode’.
So while I can’t offer you solid advice as the other posters have done, I can say you are not alone and your feelings are valid.
I just wanted to say I feel your pain, I have BPD traits, I don't quite fit all the diagnostic criteria (I have Bipolar as well). You say you feel oversensitive, I've been like this my entire life, I feel deeply and am greatly affected by the moods of people around me. I also don't have many friends, I find too many people lack basic decency and tend to dismiss my feeling when upset, needless to say this doesn't end well, and I am made out to be a horrible person to everyone else.
The only real friends I have that I can truly be myself around is my 2 little dogs and another friend who has BPD, we seem to be able just understand the way each other thinks and understands sometimes we just need to get things out. My partner doesn't truly understand, he has enough trouble trying to grasp Bipolar.
Sadly the one thing I have learnt is when you have BPD, most services put you in the 'too hard basket' or labelled as 'attention seeking'. There is still so much stigma associated with BPD, even by medical professionals, it's not right and it's just unfair.
Just know this you are not alone, there are people out there who understand your pain.
I'm just here because my most recent ex has BPD. I really didn't understand what it was for the short time we were together. When I wanted to stay over at her place to spend time with her, she was convinced it was only as a convenience for me to do other things.
I soon discovered that the more I tried to do the right thing, the more problems I was creating for her. I decided that the best thing would be for me to cut off contact with her (after she had broken up with me) to hopefully alleviate the stress I had caused her.
It's coming up to two years since I spoke to her. I often think about her and hope that she is doing well. She's a really lovely person and a kind soul.
1 really important thing with BPD bcoz its prob the least obviouse. To spot and bcoz of root causes if u want any form of familial support u need to explain it in way they dont feel resposible bcoz they will throw there guilt onto you and deny your feelings etc say u looking for excuses etc people cant handle the truth
Hello there bellaheart.
Big welcome for reaching out to the forum. As a person who experiences BPD, it can be a very frustrating and overwhelming disorder to feel, especially the racing thoughts and not being able to control your thoughts. However, BPD is very real and can have in impact on your life, especially when it comes to trusting people and dealing with the faculties of life in general. Being a disorder (not a disease), people with BPD can treat it, only when they find the best solution that will work effetely for your care needs.
Trusting others seems to be a big issue for people who experience BPD. Splitting causes great difficulties for people in relationships especially the non-BPD partner. People with BPD will be quick to place blame on their partner, making or accusing them out to be bad people and not listen or acknowledge their non-BPD partner care, emotions and the inability to emotional support them. Usually people with BPD may without realising blame someone else, when really the issue stems from the directly - they may not take responsibility for their behaviour and project their (sometimes fake) thoughts and assumptions onto others in a way to make them selves feel better.
What can you do - learn to effetely control you emotions and acknowledge inappropriate behaviour. Learn to give yourself the love, support and the self-compassion that you need to fil that inner gap within yourself. Learn to be happy, especially when those raging thoughts appear and learn to understand and deal with past trauma.
You can become the best version of yourself - you are then only one who can do this. 🙂