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Boyfriend overseas for a month and I'm struggling
So my boyfriend has gone overseas for a month to a country that has limited service and he's working there Mon-Fri (early to late) for a project organisation so there's little to no contact for this whole month (he doesn't get back until 22/12). He's only been gone for literally two days but I'm already finding it super hard. We usually spend every day together, if not at least 5-6 days together out of 7. We just like spending time together. We've been together for a year and almost 2 months and this is the first time we've been separated for such a long time. He went on a family vacation last Christmas for 10 days but for some reason it didn't really bother me as much as this trip is. I assume maybe it's because we hadn't been together for as long, or because it was a family thing and not just him going by himself like this trip.
I know this is going to sound bad, but I've been worried ever since he announced he was going on this project because there were so many girls in the group he was going with. I know, I shouldn't be dwelling over something so petty. But my brain keeps screaming at me "He's not going to see you for a month, he's going to forget you", "He's going to be surrounded by pretty girls who he's going to fall for", "He's going to need some sort of sexual release, and all those girls around that he's sharing housing with...". I just can't stop thinking these things and I really hate myself for it. I trust him and I trust that he loves me, but for some god awful reason I cannot shake these thoughts. They're making me so anxious that sometimes I just sit and cry and wish he never went (which is selfish and I don't like thinking like that). Not only all of these thoughts, but I keep thinking that he's not going to love me when he gets back. I keep thinking he wont miss me and when he gets back he'll be distant and not want to see me as much and maybe even break up.
I've gone through CBT throughout this year for my social and generalised anxiety, and I finished around October and I felt so good. I felt so much better and like I could control myself and I was happy. But it seems his trip has set me back a bit and I'm feeling very depressed and anxious and I'm not sure how I'm even going to last another 27 days. I don't have a job at the moment and uni has finished for the year, my bike is broken and I don't drive so I feel like I don't have any distractions at all. Sorry for the huge rant, I just want to know if anyone has any advice for me. Thx
TP123, welcome to the forum. This is a very friendly , caring and supportive place.
I can understand how much you are missing your boyfriend as you had been spending so much time together.
Do you have any communication with your boyfriend since he has been away? If yes, how has that gone?
Have you tried going back to CBT basics so those intrusive thoughts of jealousy can be examined rationally.
This time away will be difficult but you have those CBT skills and have used them before for social and generalised anxiety so I am sure you can use those skills again.
AS you know trust is an important to make your relationship work especially when you are apart.
Remember that your partner will not be away forever and that this time away may make your love stronger.
Is it possible to distract yourself. Is there a book you have wanted to read, a movie, documentary, or tv program you have wanted to watch, a friend you have not seen for a while that you may want to catch up with.
Would you consider volunteering?
Can you spend time on yourself. One way to avoid slipping into sadness and be happy with yourself is to start a new course or hobby or even just walking around your neighbourhood.
Maybe you can learn more about the project he is working on and the country and town he is travelling to.
Would you consider planning a surprise for when he returns.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I have tried many things to distract myself. Sometimes they work really well, sometimes they don’t. But I can usually get over it pretty quickly. However, the times when I really feel so lonely and upset is when he has been online and doesn’t reply to me or he has left my message on seen. It makes me feel like I’m not important because he can’t just take a minute out of his time to reply to me. I feel completely like he is forgetting about me.
Theres still a few weeks until he gets back and it’s really hard for me to not feel let down and upset when he leaves my messages on read or when he says he’s just going out somewhere but when he gets back he’ll message me but then never does. Because I know if that was me I would try my best to keep him updated and send him a good morning/goodnight message because I want to make sure he understands that I’m still thinking of him and miss him. I feel like he just does not care about me at all, and that he’s got other people there with him that are more interesting or better than me. I’m not expecting him to message me all day or every hour or whatever, but I know he has hours of down time after he has finished his work stuff from like 6:30 onwards. Even just a message somewhere in that time range would be nice. Just makes me feel like a burden to him, or that he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve read so many articles that say “if he doesn’t take even a minute out of his time to message you then he isn’t that into you”, and I’m starting to get this paranoia that my boyfriend of a year and a bit, who says he loves me all the time, is forgetting about me slowly as each day passes that he’s overseas. I’ve got this horrible war going on in my brain where one rational part is saying that he’s busy, he’s out doing stuff it’s okay he still loves you it’s all fine, but then there’s another part of me that is screaming he’s forgetting, he’s found someone else there, he doesn’t love you anymore. It’s so horrible constantly fighting myself like this, it sometimes feels like I’m going insane and my heads about to explode. I actually give myself migraines when this happens.
Thanks again for the reply, I appreciate it.
Thanks for your detailed reply and letting us know honestly how you are feeling and what is happening.
I understand how hard it can seem for you because he is away doing exciting things and you are feeling all alone .
Some people just are not I to communicating even though it seems so easy to just take a few seconds to send a messsage. Your boy friend is probably tired after a days work and feels you know how much me and to you. I remember you said when you are together things are great and your spend lots of time being together and you enjoy each other’s company.
I think because you have time on your own you keep imaging the worst .
When I was younger the main way to communicate when overseas was a letter which could take 6 weeks, whereas now there is instant messages and it is easier but some people don’t look at their phones all the time.
HVe you ever told him how much you like his messages and you realise how busy he is or do you pretend you are fine with his lack of messages.
I would stop reading those articles about not being into you as that is just one person’s opinion . people have different ways of communicating I know people who don’t send lots of messages when away yet are very much I. Love and others who send messages because they feel they will be in trouble if they don’t.
in the time left till he returns can you concentrate about all the good things you have and look forward to meeting up again.
Have you thought about arranging a surprise for when gets back?