Boyfriend on a 'boys trip'. Trust & separation issues - can't cope.

[choleeey]

Hi all,

My boyfriend (20 years old) left for a 'boys trip' four days ago where they are going overseas for two and a half weeks. My previous partner cheated on me and since then I have had huge trust issues which have carried on to my current relationship. He has so far given me no reason to not trust him, apart from a few small lies and a big lie about a girl in the past (before our relationship) - which he lied directly to my face. He often hides little things from me such as a girl giving him a lift home because he knows I get upset about it.

The other boys going on the trip are all single and are all about girls and will try to get with as many girls as they can. My boyfriend is the only one in a relationship and the other boys have either never been in one or previously cheated. They will be drinking majority of the time and are going to a number of beach parties and staying in hostels. This makes me extremely uncomfortable because of my trust issues and my anxiety. I am very nervous that he will feel left out or be pressured into cheating, or simply get too drunk and give into temptation. We have not spent a single night apart in almost 8 months (since we got together) and I think I have become quite attached to him and am struggling to cope with him not being here. I constantly feel sick, and do not have much contact with him while he is there. I am constantly checking whether he is active on social media and it is extremely unhealthy.

I do not know how to deal with this, as when I bring up my concerns he gets angry that I do not trust him and he simply says I need to stop bringing it up because it pushes him away. I read into everything too much and I don't know how to stop. I just want him to be here with me and feel so lonely and hopeless without him. We have talked about a long-term relationship and both want one, however I am scared this trip will end it one way or another.

I really need advice - I have been crying since he left and have barely slept as I am so anxious he is cheating or lying to me or will realise he wants to be single after seeing all of his friends have so much fun. I want this relationship to last and think it has the potential - I just need to get through this next two and a half weeks somehow.

Thanks.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Choleeey,

I can understand how hard it must be for you being away from your partner, particularly on a “boys trip” which can stir up all sorts of insecurities. As hard as it is, I think you need to look at this as something that is good for of your relationship. You ultimately want to be with a person who is trustworthy, who won’t cheat on you at the first opportunity they get, and the only way that he is going to build that trust is by showing you he is trustworthy. You can’t be next to a partner at all times ensuring they don’t cheat on you, they have to go out in the world and there are a million opportunities for everyone to cheat. All you can do is create a loving happy environment that hopefully would make someone not want to do that to you. And if they do, well that says more about them than you - and good riddance!

[Quercus]

Hi Choleeey and welcome,

Although I do understand jealousy (the idea of infidelity makes me feel physically sick) I think Juliet is right... If a partner is going to cheat they will. A trip and booze and the influence of single friends is not a big deal to someone who has a partner they love and respect at home.

These single friends of his are his friendship group. I'm sure even at home they act like this about women. Their behaviour isnt helpful but he's a grown man who will make his own decisions.

Which is why I think Juliet has got it in one. Focus on making yourself someone he wants to come home to. Someone who he doesn't want to risk stuffing things up with.

How about putting the phone/computer down and going out yourself? Girls night. Movies. Night class you enjoy. Pampering. Why do you have to worry? If he is stupid enough to risk your trust and relationship for a fling he's a douche not worth crying over.

That said I have always been blunt with partners. I give you my trust and you can count on me in return. But if you mess around I am gone. And if you dare give me an STD I will rip you a new one before I leave.

But stuff what he is doing. Worry about you. Why do you feel like you're not enough for him? Ok your ex was an arse and cheated on you. That is enough to make anyone's self esteem plummet. Since then what have you done for yourself to build up your confidence?

Someone cheating is not your fault. It is 100% theirs. Anyone has the opportunity to speak up and end a relationship before they hurt another. Or to speak up and try change and make it work. It's not a failure on your part at being an appealing and desirable woman.

So...Put down the phone. See if a friend is free for drinks and a comedy night. Or go out for dinner and a late movie. Then tomorrow check out classes and activities that you enjoy. Visit a 24 hour gym if doubtful moments hit you. Focus on YOU.

There is nothing worse than waiting while someone has fun and yes it is a turn off to know someone is at home waiting for you to cheat. So get out and enjoy the time alone. See friends you've missed. Yep you have a boyfriend. But he is not your entire world.

Oh... And we are here too to keep you company any time you need support. Please keep writing ok.

Nat

[geoff]

Hell Chloeeey, and welcome to the site .

I'm sorry for the way you are feeling and it does remind me back in my heydays.

If you've been hurt in a previous relationship, it does make it hard to trust anyone you're with, but that was in a previous r/ship and not necessarily this one, except for his lying..

It's easy to overthink when you are trying to trust your partner, but this can harm your relationship because you could be thinking of what you shouldn't be, so any thoughts may cause trouble.

What may happen is that you become aware of feeling anxious even when your partner's actions have nothing to do with how you are thinking, and remember this could happen any day you're not together.

He maybe thinking exactly the same about you and if so then nothing will happen, his strength will prevail, and when you're insecure, your mind will always take you to the negative side of a situation.

Have faith in him, the more you worry the deeper you go asking yourself questions 'what if' this happens or that happens, if he loves you then nothing will happen, his conscious will be too strong.

Geoff.

[GemAndLogan]

Hey Choleeey,

You've been given awesome advice so far but I just wanted to add to it because I can relate to your post so much.

My previous partner cheated on me and it has given me huge trust issues too.

I've been with my current partner around a year and he has never given me a reason not to trust him, he's amazing and 100% committed to me yet it didn't stop those negative thought patterns from creeping into my mind.

I started becoming a bit paranoid and thinking about what he was doing became a bit of an obsession for me and it was very,very unhealthy

Thankfully I realised the stress I was causing myself and the potential damage to my relationship before it went to far and I learnt to deal with my negative thoughts.

If you feel those thoughts of cheating etc coming acknowledge them but then let them go, try not to obsess or let them take over because after all, they are only thoughts- the same as any others.

The other suggestions are great too- keep busy, occupy yourself and your mind.

Time away from each other is healthy and good for your relationship, being together 24/7 to ensure someone isn't cheating is not a healthy or happy relationship and as Juliet said- time apart will help you build that trust as well as help you become a bit less dependent on each other.

So keep busy, focus on yourself and doing things you love doing or trying something new, don't let those negative thoughts take over. He will come home and you'll wonder why you were so worried in the first place.

Take care of yourself

Gem