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Boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up becuase of his mental health issues
My ex and I dated for 2.5 years, we were kind of on and off throughout the relationship. We were long-distant before, broke up this year in April and got back together in May after I moved back to his city. After we got back together, for a long while I thought everything went pretty well. However, I do notice that he has been very stressed. From this year April, he went to the emergency room for 3 times already, but doctors can never tell what is wrong exactly.
About 3 weeks ago, he broke up with me saying that he tried to love me but lost the feeling. I didn't believe what he said because I can tell how much we love each other and how much we enjoyed each other's company. After that breakup, we still acted like a couple, met every day, do all the couple things... but I can tell he was more distant. Until last weekend, he asked me what do I want in a relationship, I said I want something stale. He said he can't give me the relationship I want and I suggested cutting off ties. He seems to be very painful, he cried so hard and told me how much he cared about me how important I am to him but still insisted that we need to break up. I always felt there are something wrong but not sure what is it. Then this week Tuesday, he called me to see how am I doing, he finally told me that he met a girl in the emergency room, they had similar symptoms (increased heart beat, anxiety, etc). He feels he can relate to her and they have started to talk since then, he promised that they didn't do anything except for talking but he feels he was emotionally cheating on me. Combined with other things in our relationship, he wronged me too much and doesn't deserve me. He's also worried that he might be a burden to me if he got sued and went broke (which is the thing he has been anxious about, although the possibility for that to happen seems to be 0% to me, but he's super worried). I told him I feel he's experiencing mental health issues, he said he knows that but he doesn't know what to do and doesn't trust psychologists. Eventually, I convinced him to get a mental health care plan and see a psychologist soon. But he insisted that he can't have a relationship with me now he has to figure out all the things on his own. He said the roller coaster of his emotions will do more harm to me and he doesn't want that.
I love him a lot, we had such a beautiful relationship before his mental health issues became so obvious. I regret that I should have talked about mental health to him earlier and really want to be there with him. But he doesn't give me the chance now. I can tell the break-up is also very painful to him, he cried a lot even more than I do since our break-up. He said he will try to figure things out and will contact me when he feels ready. I don't know what should I do now. Should I just cut off contact completely and try to move on, or be there for him as a friend?
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing.
It seems like there has been so much going on in your and your partner’s relationship. How do you feel yourself? What would you rather do: cut off the contact completely and move on or stay as a friend only? What are your feelings on this?
After reading your post I have a feeling that at least a short break just to gain some perspective and gather the thoughts and emotions, might not be a bad idea. But this is just me after reading your post. Your feelings and thoughts are the most important in this situation.
I am sorry this is happening. As Learn to Fly said, you should think about what you want - do you want to be there for him or do you want to move on? I know you might feel like you have to be there for him because you love him - but is that really what is best for you both?
I also think a short break is a good idea to breathe and for him to realise whether he needs you for support. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Dear Learn to Fly,
Thanks for your reply. Honestly, I want to be there for him because I still hope to get back into the elationship with him eventually. But I'm scared of getting hurt and disappointed again. Like what if he can't recover from this, or even if he gets better but still doesn't want to be with me...
I agree that a break is necessary for both of us at the moment. I'm starting to see a counsellor myself as well, hope to gain some insights.
Thanks for your reply. I think I want to be there for him because I still hope to get back together with him. But I'm scared of getting hurt again, like what if he can't get through this or what if he still doesn't want a relationship with me when he gets better...
He said he will contact me when he feels ready, I do agree that he and I need to take this break now. We used to be supportive to each other through some difficulties, it's just so difficult to do it alone this time. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate that.
Thank you for coming back to us.
It seems like you are following your heart but in a very reasonable way: you still love him and hope one day might be back together but at the same time you do admit getting a break might be the best option for both you atm. That’s a very important decision and I am sure not an easy one for you. You are following the right path, though.
Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think your ex is going through a challenging time and he is not capable of being in a relationship due to his mental health, physical health and also life issues that you mentioned. I think he has a lot on his plate and that's why he wanted to end the relationship, as he can tell you definitely deserve more. I can imagine that you have been very supportive and kind to him throughout these challenges and that you care about him very deeply and he also cares about you too. I think he does not have the mental capacity to be in a loving relationship at the moment and does need time away from you. I know you love him deeply, but he won't be able to provide you with a relationship now, as he mentioned to you before. Maybe he does enjoy your company, but he does need to be alone to figure out his life, as he seems quite lost. I think this is the time for you to be selfish and think of yourself and what you want. I know that you love him, but you also should do what is best for you. It would be very mentally and physically exhausting being with someone and carrying the weight of the relationship all the time. I think it might be best for you to spend time apart for a while, if you keep contacting each other you won't be able to get through this. Focus on yourself and think about what you want from a relationship so if he does come back or you meet someone new, you know if this is what you are after. This distance can be good for you both, he can focus on his problems and figure out what he wants to do without feeling guilty about you, but for you it will also help give you a break to think. If it is meant to be eventually you will cross paths again, if not, then it wasn't meant to be.
I really appreciate your comment, your reply is so comforting and also inspiring to me. I started to slowly feel better now after realised that he and I have to take our separated paths now for our own good. I think maintaining a healthy and loving relationship takes a lot of energy and he is just not in that situation now because of his mental health issues, and it would hurt me more to be his 'friend' cause I still have deep feelings for him. As you and other comments mentioned, if he and I are meant to be, our paths will cross again one day.
It is hard. My current boyfriend "broke up" for 4 days earlier this year. We have been together for 2.5 years too. He needed to sort his mental health out too. We got back together after 4 days of no contact because we both realised we needed each other and he needed me for support then more than ever. After this break we are now happier than ever and realise it needed to happen for us to no longer take one another for granted.
Hope you are OK,