Boyfriend drinking with the boys

[sha00]

Hi there,

I am in a very healthy relationship, I trust my partner in terms of cheating etc. He hardly ever drinks, there maybe like 5 occasions per year where he may be on a weekend/week away camping with mates or at work functions which involves drinking. We have had many conversations around this and we both have unpacked that maybe I have issues with it from my family consuming alcohol excessively and what might be a lot of alcohol for him like (around 10 drinks), a drinking session for some of my family is much more. He understands this. I never want to control him and say he can't go, I want to be relaxed and happy for him whenever these times pop up. It's like I have a devil and angel on one shoulder. The devil saying omg he is going to ignore me, he is going to be out doing stupid stuff with the boys, he is going to drink too much and stay out till morning (all of which have never even happened yet). The angel on my shoulder is saying, don't be so stupid, we're in our twenties, there is nothing wrong with him going out having a good time with mates and letting loose, he will not cheat, as long as he communicates it'll be fine, let him go have fun without you being a psycho over it! Along with my experiences with alcohol, I think another reason I might be a bit jealous is because I don't really have any good friends for myself. Any advice would be so helpful because I don't want to be toxic, I want to be relaxed and happy for him when these occasions arise in the future!

[therising]

Hi sha00

To be in 2 minds about something can definitely feel like a form of torture, that's for sure. I feel for you so much as you struggle with such a tormenting factor that sounds like it's really eating away at you. You led me to smile when you mentioned the 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' factor, as it's something I've often come to refer to when it comes to the 2 minds thing. On one side there's a purely divine sense of reasoning, whereas on the other there is something that provides a kind of 'hell on earth' experience. At times, the latter can be louder, when it comes to inner dialogue.

While this is going to sound strange, I find imagination can help in some cases. Btw, what you imagine doesn't have to be real, just need to imagine it's real (if that makes sense). Kind of like if what I imagine is there is some inner sage in me that has all the answers vs one of my 'inner demons' (let's call this inner demon 'low self esteem'), the challenge is to channel the inner sage on command so it can help me make better sense of the low self esteem factor, helping me manage that so called inner demon. On the other hand, some people work with what they'd call 'divine guidance', imagining there's some sort of divine guide in their life guiding them in the best direction or toward the best perspective. Remember, it doesn't have to be real, just need to imagine it is. Either way, inner sage or divine guide, it's about finding whatever works. A form of meditation can involve tapping into or channeling whatever works. Yes, easier said than done.

So, if you were to ask your inner sage or divine guide 'Why do I fear my partner will lose control?', what may come to mind is 'This is based on what you've typically witnessed in people, when it comes to the mind altering side effects of alcohol'. Of course, this is something you've already been able to make sense of. The next question for your inner sage or divine guide might be 'Why does this tend to happen?'. The answer that comes to mind could be 'It's about gradually losing consciousness. No longer being conscious of the unselfish or right or moral or loving parts of us that go toward making up who we are means gravitating towards what you might call selfish, wrong, immoral and unloving behaviour'. So, the next question may be 'How do I ensure my partner doesn't lose consciousness to this degree?'. The answer could be 'Lead him to become more conscious, so even when he's drunk he will still remain conscious of what you've expressed to him'. You could continue your meditation/tapping in/channeling for half an hour or more before a whole lot of things come to mind that serve you in a variety of ways. Write it all down if that helps. What could simply come to mind is 'Have an open and honest conversation with him about your fears and past experiences, so that you can lead him to see more clearly'.

Whatever you imagine, you're guaranteed there's a YouTube video for that, so maybe a bit of research in the way of finding how to 'tap into' whatever works could be one way to go. Whether you call it your inner sage, divine guide, logical self, higher consciousness, purely analytical self or whatever, give it a name and have it work for you. Being a sensitive kinda gal, I've found it also pays to give a name to whatever inner demon it is I'm sensing. Whether it's my seriously harsh and brual inner critic or some deeply fearful facet or some part of me that leads me to see everything in life that's depressing or something else, calling it out (identifying it) can sound a bit like 'I know which part of me you are'. Btw, I've found a good book to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. 🙂❤️