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Boyfriend doesn’t sleep with me

Community Member

Hi all. I don’t know if any of you have any advice for me on how to deal with this because I am feeling quite upset and despondent about it and would like some constructive advice.


I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. I just moved in with him about a month ago. Before that we were doing long distance. He lives in Melbourne and I lived in Sydney. The main issue is that although we sleep in the same bed he’s never tried to sleep with me. For the first few months I thought maybe he’s just being a gentleman and didn’t want to pressure me into doing something before I’m ready to. I think that may still be the case. At least I hope so. I just am worried that it’s because he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. If he’s waiting for marriage that’s fine too. At least I know then it’s got nothing to do with me physically.


It's really upsetting for me because he doesn’t lay a hand on me but he obviously has urges. He goes to sleep on the couch most nights because he does have sleep issues. He’ll start in the bed and then get up to sleep on the couch in the middle of the night. I do love him a lot and I do want to have sex with him but I don’t know how I can initiate it? Shouldn’t the guy initiate? How can I bring it up in a discussion that I’m ready to?

7 Replies 7

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Kim, welcome

No wonder you are upset. Lets talk about it because there are many people that read these posts and have a similar issue so its good you have brought it up.

Communication is likely the most serious of topics in a relationship. If it isn't just right then it usually deserves intervention in the form of counselling.

A counsellor takes the heat off us, they often can pin point issues and resolve them. Sometimes one party wont attend but that doesn't mean the issue wont get resolved.

I suggest you make an appointment with a family counsellor. Tell your partner that you are attending an appointment with a counsellor and invite him but with no pressure whatsoever. One of two things will occur. He'll either agree to go or he wont. If he wont go make sure you don't discuss any details of the conversation on the basis that he can attend with you at the next appointment. If he goes you will find it easier to bring the topic up to the counsellor or he/she will ask you what's troubling you.

There could be any one of many reasons he isn't showing sexual desires to you. He might feel its very personal. But your relationship wont progress until this issue is resolved. Both of you are responsible for proper communication and you also cant discuss this issue as its hard to talk about. So you both need such guidance.

I hope I've helped. Once you are over this hump things might be much better

Tony WK

You are definitely right. I need to just be honest with him I think and lay what I’m feeling out on the table. If I don’t confront it now it will just fester into something worse and it will make me miserable and he will pick up on that. He does love me. To be honest I should have brought it up with him before I moved in but he is quite traiditional so I thought maybe he was waiting till I moved in. I think he thinks that I’m not ready yet and he doesn’t want to pressure me. He’s a healthy 34 year old man. I guess if he feels as though I’m not satisfying him in that way as much as he loves me. He’s a male and may look for sexual pleasure elsewhere. I don’t want to be hurt or for it to come to that.

Community Member
Well I was upfront and honest with my boyfriend about things. I just said I’m ready when you’re ready. There was definitely a lot of miscommunication. He thought I wasn’t ready and vice versa. Hopefully we broke the ice on that the relationship will only get stronger.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi Kim, can I welcome you to the forum.

I think he's a gentleman and he might not believe in being intimate before marriage, which means he has total respect for you.

Two people's mind doesn't always think alike, but once you can talk about it then your thoughts combine.

If you're not being intimate then he won't be looking elsewhere because as I said he is a gentleman.

Talk about it together. Geoff.

Community Member
He was definitely being a gentleman. You are too right Geoff. He wasn’t a virgin before me so he wasn’t waiting for marriage. We talked about it. He was waiting until we were more settled. Before we were doing long distance. I was in Sydney and he’s in Melbourne. We live together now so we’re more settled. I opened the discussion with him. I just said to him don’t be awkward about that stuff with me. Hopefully he took it on board.

Community Member

Hi Kim1988,

the exact same thing happened to me and my ex boyfriend - it made me feel unattractive, unwanted etc. I think it’s very important to speak with him about it so you know the truth (for me I was always thinking it must be this or that, overthinking it when I should have just asked).

what I think is most important here is that it is nothing you have done, haven’t done etc. you can only be you and you are amazing! As hard as it is try and not take it personally (I know I did) and also try and not think that it should always be the guy initiating sex (I also used to think this) but maybe it would be nice for them if we initiated? But I can understand that can be very confronting and make you feel vulnerable!

Thanks Danielle! I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one going through that. Since I have opened up the discussion with him on these things and we are now physically intimate. I was the same as you. I was really overthinking the reason why he was not initiating. I did the right thing by just being honest with him and letting him know he can talk to me about what’s going on.