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Boundaries with my boyfriend
Hey, I am a 17 y/o girl, and my boyfriend is 16 y/o. We met towards the beginning of the year, whereby he asked me out on a date (to which I refused). He took it perfectly, and we have been decent enough friends ever since, although his feelings moderately persisted. Moving forward to a month ago, I asked him out as I had developed feelings for him over time and morphed into an established relationship perhaps two weeks ago. I felt like we had a nice synergy going on, both being intelligent and respectful humans.
Once we became sexually active together it was all well and good, but gradually he became pushier whenever he became aroused and I wasn't in the mood. If I say no he'll listen and be sweet about it all, but still pressures me as he gets over-stimulated when I am in his company.
Anyhow, yesterday evening we were just chilling at his house, and I was just having a casual yet assertive conversation with him about how I will be busy for the next fortnight with work and the need to buckle down on it. This naturally led to compassionate cuddling, kissing, etc.. although I wasn't quite in the mood for anything more given how exhausted I was at the time. We go to bed cuddling, then he starts to ramp things up a little, and I politely remind him I am really not in the mood but am all for affection. Fall asleep for a few hours (I am a deep sleeper). I wake up (half awake at least) to him crossing my boundaries.
I really don’t know how to feel; certainly pissed and have felt stuck and unable to think critically.
On the other hand, I feel like I am overthinking things. I am overreacting? My boyfriend is genuinely a kind person who cares for me, and I feel like his views on boundaries are distorted, perhaps?
All I know is that I feel highly uncomfortable. Could do with some insight.
Hi there Triggerhappy
Firstly I wanted to start by saying what an articulate and intelligent young woman you are and that you are so very brave and strong, and wise to seek some views on this situation.
I will say also that I am no expert, I am a mum, and I was 17 once.
My opinion in life is "if it feels wrong it usually is" and that covers so many things in life. Your instinct and "gut feelings" is your body letting you know that what you are experiencing is alerting your brain to consider if it is right for you.
You said your boyfriend is a caring and is generally considerate of your feelings and takes care of you, I am so very glad to hear that and that is wonderful he treats you well. His "crossing your boundaries" is of course not acceptable and the fact you have asked for some help and some support alerts me to the fact that you are feeling very uncomfortable about what happened.
No one has the right to cross your boundaries whether that is in a friendship or in a sexual relationship, he did not respect your request not to be intimate and that is never ok. I suggest a conversation with him along the lines of "when you crossed my boundaries last night it was not respectful" "my feelings are hurt and by crossing these boundaries i feel bad about myself" "this behaviour has made me lose trust in you and our relationship"
These are some of my suggestions and they may not suit you but I really think you need to question if you would like to continue this relationship and if in deed you feel safe to.
I am sure that your boyfriend has not meant to do any of these behaviours on purpose to hurt you or the likes but he must know what his actions has made you feel.
I am so glad you have shared this experience and I am so very sorry that it left you feeling so very bad, I really am.
Sexual experiences between people can be very tricky to manage, even when you are as old as me, so don't beat yourself up about this you have done nothing wrong. I feel your intelligence and you gut will tell you what the right thing to do is triggerhappy, I really do.
I am thinking of you and if you feel you need some professional help might I suggest a call to the kidshelp line on 1800 55 1800, they will have some wonderful experts that can help you.
All the very best to you.
Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like it would have been a very startling experience, and very sorry to hear that this happened. It is very brave to share your concerns here with our friendly and supportive community. You've come to a safe place, and we care very much about your wellbeing. Just letting you know that we have sent you a private email with some additional support.
Thank you very much for your kind words and support Aaronsis:))
I am pleased that my feelings of discomfort are rational then; we live in a culture where, to a degree, submission is normalised, and so it's sometimes difficult to gauge what is rational and what is determined by social norms. In that sense, I agree with your "if it feels wrong it usually is" philosophy, and will carry it forward with me.
There is not one part of me which believes he had malicious intent, but has deviant views on what is acceptable. I still feel like I am defending him though, and it feels wrong. Perhaps a clean break with "this behaviour has made me lose trust in you and our relationship" as a pathway in regards to specifics of the crossing of boundaries.
Thank you for thinking of me, it gives me strength:))
I am so pleased that you found my support helpful and I hope that you do feel supported here as you are. Nothing in life is a mistake if you have learnt something from it and I feel like you have sat through a massive lesson in the past 24 hours.
I am happy to hear that you don't believe your boyfriend has behaved out of malice, it doesn't seem so to me either, I think he has made a mistake in a moment where his sexual urges over rode his ability to make a good choice. This maybe something he may need to speak to a professional about if he feels like he is not able to control his urges and behaviour.
Anytime you feel 'this is not right" you have every permission to stop the activity or conversation or whatever it may be, everytime of everyday. Even if you feel society or your family or your friends or your boyfriend tells you otherwise, if you do not feel comfortable or safe you act on it straight away.
I hope that you are feeling a little better about what to do next.
Jump on here anytime for a "sniff test" (that is when you need to see if something is off..lol) on anything really, there are so many wonderful people that are ready to help and support you. I am so proud of you for speaking up.
Virtual hugs for you.