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Blindsided by return to ex

Community Member

I had been with my partner for about a year. We met through friends and he had separated from his wife 6 months earlier. We hit off immediately. Personality and attraction wise. His situation was complicated as divorce and custody hadn't been finalised so he had his kids week on week off. Not wanting to compromise custody arrangements, we thought it best to keep it under wraps so was only able to spend every second week together. I accepted this and i even appreciated my own time. Plus we spoke on the phone for hours and he messaged me daily.

He was unlike anyone i had ever been with. He was open with feelings and we talked about everything. Plus the physical attraction was amazing. Whole package. Was still wary as had been burnt before and was concerned that after 20 year relationship he had never had time to have fun and be by himself. Even said if at any time he wanted to do so, to be honest with me. He assured me he wanted to be with me. After a while i relaxed and was the happiest i had ever been. He was amazing and the relationship was perfect. He even told me he loved me. I thought id finally found the one.

A couple of weeks ago though, he started being a little distant. Cancelling on me etc. I went away on a holiday and found him hard to contact and slow with replying to messages. When we did speak, he said how much he missed me. I obviously asked if everything was ok and he said yes and that he was just having issues with the ex. When i got back i couldn't wait to see him but he cancelled on me again. I again asked what was going on and eventually got a text saying we could only be friends.

I was shattered, both by the msg and by the fact that i didn't even warrant a face to face conversation. When pressed for an explanation, he said i was becoming too attached and that we were incompatible. This was so not true as he was always the one to tell me how he felt and we had so much in common. We met for coffee and when i asked for a better reason he said that he had been in contact with his ex gf from 20 years ago and that they had feelings for each other again.

I am devastated and am struggling to cope. I don't understand how he could go from i love and miss you to someone else. I can't eat or sleep or stop crying. It physically hurts. My friends and family are sick of hearing about it so went to the gp but no help. When not crying, i feel like everything is pointless and i feel numb. The thought of him or i being with someone else makes me sick.

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Saints, welcome

Im so sad reading your post. It took me back 20 years. Having had 3 long term relationships prior to my wife I know that pain you feel.

You have no control over his decisions. You are rightfully gutted. Its a long road back but with patience you'll get there. At the end of the day you deserve better.


Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: making sense of grief- beyondblue

Topic: coping with grief- beyondblue

Topic: the grief of separation- beyondblue

Repost in those threads or here anytime.

Take care of yourself. Please

Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Saints, it must be so disappointing for you from going to being in love to then being be thrown to one side is certainly very upsetting.
I don't think that this chap knows exactly what he wants, he has guilt feelings then he has love uncertainty, so I don't think he can get settled just at the moment, there is every chance he will contact you once again, it maybe a few weeks or perhaps months, but in all honesty, he maybe floating around for a while, which won't mean it will be a stable r/ship, I'm sorry to say. Geoff.

Community Member

Hi Saints,

I am so sorry that it ended so abruptly like that, just when you were comfortable and relaxed in the relationship too.

I'd like to give you an example from my own family of a similarly unexplicable situation. My manipulative mother and step father separated when i was 14. It looked like it was going to be permanent, my mother had left for another man. So Dad started dating too. The woman he found was AMAZING. They were so compatible, they seemed so happy. My siblings and i adored her.

Then my mother decided she wanted him back under her thumb, made him dump the new woman, which he did quite brutally and coldly. Our whole family was devasted, as she was so awesome compared to my abusive cheating mother.

That was only the first time. They separated another 6 times, well into old age- mum having her affairs, dad moving on, if there was another woman around she got brutally dumped when Mum wanted him back. It destabilised and broke apart our family, and made me sick with grief over the years.

What I didn't know until recently, Mum ``had something on him'' (I don't want to give details) so she became a kind of like his extortionist. I think he could have fixed the problem legally but he would have had to start over. So he created his own private hell, that destroyed our family.

I think the only way this relates to your situation is sometimes you just don't know the full story. You mustn't think there was anything wrong with you. The relationship may really have been perfect for both of you, but after 20 years with his ex, you just never know the whole story. I'm sorry you were happy and now its gone. The main thing is, don't it wreck your self worth.

Community Member
Thanks for your reply. Yes i think you're exactly right. That he's confused himself. Thanks for the support

Thank you for your reply and supporr

Wow that is terrible for your gamily but also for your dad who also missed out on a chance of happiness. You're right..maybe there are other things going on too. It's extremely hard to add top yourself feeling that way when all my head says is he compared the two of you and picked her. I know this is not healthy though. Thanks for your reply