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Bitter about my sister in laws wedding
I've been feeling quite horrible about this and I wish with everything to not feel this way. I AM excited for my sister in laws wedding but I'm also really bitter about it. I've been married to her brother for 4 years now and we have 2 beautiful girls, so it's not a case that I'm jealous she's getting married and I'm not.
However, nothing for my husband and I have ever been easy. For the first say 6 months of mine and my husbands relationship, she didn't like me. She resented the fact that I pulled him out of his suicidal depression and his family didn't. She hated me more the day we got engaged, just 5 months into the relationship. I get it, we were only together a very short time and she was with her boyfriend at the time for 1 or 2 years. However, what was supposed to be a happy day was made about her when she stormed off and had a fit.
The day she got engaged, it was a big surprise affair at my inlaws. Her fiance proposed infront of both of their families and celebrated. It was lovely.
My wedding caused a lot of family drama, my dads side of the family started simply because I wanted my mum to walk me down the aisle not my father who had been absent most of my life. Some rather digusting words were said from my fathers side to my inlaws who were trying to stick-up for me. Majority of my family didn't show up, it was a day filled with anxiety and angst.
For my bachelorette party, my best friends left early because their boyfriends were leaving the city. My mum left early as well. It was just me and the inlaws. So what was supposed to be a fun night with everyone I cared about, turned out to be a flop.
Her bachelorette was a huge success, lots of fun. She's having a big beautiful wedding. Everything has been smooth sailing, like a fairytale. She's got everything she could want, her dream day, the beautiful home and family that gets along well. For my husband and I its been a struggle from getting together, getting engaged, getting married, having children (I had 2 miscarriages before my first child), getting a home that just feels so small at this point with 2 kids and we can't sell.
So yes, I'm resentful that it has all been smooth sailing and one big celebration when she was part of the reason why the first 6 months of our relationship was so damn hard. We love each other now, I consider her a true sister but I just can't forget. My husband has admitted feeling the same way but I haven't talked to him about it in length as I'm ashamed.
First, I want to say what an absolute gift you are to your husband. To raise a person out of their depression is a hard and miraculous achievement. You really are a blessing.
There are other ways we can raise our self through life and more often than not the most significant way is through rising to challenge. It sounds like you've faced many challenges in the past, including your dad being absent for some years. How many times have you risen above and beyond the challenges you've faced? To me, you sound like you've made a magnificent effort.
Having experienced 2 early stage miscarriages and the loss of a ruptured fallopian tube on top of this, in between my first and 2nd child, I believe one of the loneliest challenges can relate to this kind of grief. No one quite understands the idea of grieving the loss of someone who they cannot see in front of them. There is no physical evidence of the loss from the perspective of family and friends. Rising above this sort of grief is a unique and tough experience.
You have risen many times in complex ways, whereas your SIL has perhaps risen in basic ways where the challenges have not been as great. I imagine, because of the number of times you've had to raise your self, you are perhaps a little more conscious than her. Hardships have matured you in a way where she may need such a mature 'go to' person one day, when great hardship challenges her. You may turn out to be the brilliance she needs during a dark time for her.
Don't underestimate how amazing you are. Yes, some folk have it pretty easy but for the rest of us we know what it takes to truly rise to gradually meet the greatest version of our self.
Welcome to bb. I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do about your SIL's wedding and why you don't want to feel that way.
Your honesty is refreshing and you have nothing to be ashamed about. This is truly a place of non-judgemental support.
I'd like to gently share with you two important things that I have learned in my 55 years of life.
Firstly, life is not a competition. You will never be truly happy in life if you are comparing yourself with others and wanting things you just can't have. Your SIL has her extended family and you have yours, it's just the way it is.
Try to focus on what you do have (a happy marriage, children and a home) and not worry about what you don't have. Focus on what you have achieved, particularly in the face of sometimes great adversity and challenge.
Secondly, life is never as it seems. Maybe it has been a huge success and dream for your SIL, or maybe it just seems that way to you. We never really know what happens behind closed doors in the lives of others or in their hearts and minds.
But you do know you. And you sound like an amazing, loving and kind person. For your own well being, let your resentment go. Simply release it and continue being the very best possible version of you.
Kind thoughts to you