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Being ignored by my boys.
Hi im a mother of 3 children of whom by eldest 2 boys have notspoken to me for just over 12 months now. its the hardest thing i have had to make light of in my life. i feel i have contributed alot to them being a very supportive parent ( single for many of them) and worked very hard when they were younger to give them eveything they needed and wanted. they never had much of relationship with their father when younger but now he is their main influence. they are 21 and 18 , they also have a little sister whom is 12.
I have sent messages, tried to ring, tried to visit, send christmas cards, birthday cards, and never any reply. its consuming me, and i dont know how to deal with it. its making me a blubbering mess everytime someone asks me about them. Or if i have to do anything family orientated i tend not participate, or if i do its the minimum just for my daughter. Please help .
Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that you had no contact with your boys for a while.
It is so sad when this happens.
I know a friend whose son did not contact her for many years. She did not get an invite to her son's wedding . My friend had no idea what had happened but she kept sending cards , emails etc. The son contacted his sister who got on well with her mother. Slowly he made contact with a short phone call. then a month later they met, the past no contact was never mentioned and they are close today.
Every situation is different. I feel there is usually hope.
Do they live with their dad?
I would say keep the lines of communication open.
It is so sad for you, and for nay parent to be ignored by her children.
Do your boys contact their little sister at all?
You said this lack of communication started 12 mths ago. Was the communication and your relationship with them good up until 12 months ago?
Sorry to ask all the questions and if you don't want to answer that fine. I suppose I am wondering if anything changed 12 months ago.
The boys don’t ever contact their little sister, and that makes my guilt worse, she idolises them. I could feel things changing for a while but after my eldest boys 21st contact just stopped. That night broke my heart , it was all about their father in speeches, and I was not acknowledged at all . I was just another face in the crowd. From that night things really have faded . Oh my god it’s consuming me , I can’t stand it any longer . I worry for every day passes is another deeper of awkwardness in the future. Will there be a future.....
Separation has all sorts of horrible things that come with it. I'm sure that an awful lot of people try to justify breaking up, and one of the obvious ways is to criticize the other person and make themselves seem the good guy. I'd suspect this may have been happening with your ex.
21 and 18 are not very old, and life experience and the ability to judge in a mature manner is only just starting to develop. Add to that the confusion over loyalties and a false Idea one needs to choose between two estranged parents and it is all a recipe for heartache.
I think the fact they do not contact their little sister does tend to indicate they have some growing up to do. Even if for some silly reason they did feel they wanted to talk with you at the moment there is no reason it should spill over to their relationship with her.
I suppose I should ask if it was possible either for you or some other family member to talk with your ex or the boys and set out the problem. My apologies if you have already considered this.
Children do grow up and as they do their values do change, when starting out families and parents (even separated ones) tend to be taken for granted. Later on the value of a family becomes more apparent and desirable. Please don't give up hope.
Welcome to the community here. I'm sorry to read your story, that must be so very hard for you. I ran a way from home when I was 17. My relationship with my parents was never all that good. I sort of stayed in touch with them but not on a huge scale until a few years later.
As a child and a young adult it is not easy to understand all that a parent tries to do to help you and you have no realisation of what it is like to raise a family.
Has your daughter tried to contact her brothers at all and if so are they refusing to acknowledge her as well? If so, that is sad.
Is it possible for you to just go and visit your sons? Would it be possible for you to knock on their door and say hello or do you think that would just end up in a terrible situation?
Realising that a loved one is no longer in your life for any reason is very hard to understand. We need to find ways to cope, to deal with the sense of loss and grief.
One day your sons may have a better understanding of what you mean to them all you have done for them.
A girlfriend just told me that her 30 year old son recently apologised to her for being such a horrible kid and teenager and not showing her the respect she deserved as his Mum. Now he does what he can to help his Mum.
Hopefully your boys will accept your keeping in touch and will do something about contacting you.
All the best from Dools
Im so really very sorry to hear that your boys are not contacting you..
I have 2 sons that I raised with my husband and another one who just found me...(a long story). up until last August I had a fantastic relationship with the 2 I raised with my husband, something from my past that unfolded broke that relationship and now, they do not contact me. It is heartbreaking daily to me as it would be for you..I won't give up on them, I won't stalk them, but not give up either..
I send cards and small gifts for them at birthday, Christmas etc, but still nothing back.I rang and asked if we could meet for lunch to just talk...No they didn't want to..The worse about it is I have 12 grandchildren that I do not see either. I try not to think about all this but it's always in my thoughts.
I think the best we can do is to let them know that we will always be here for them, if they need me,I have now decided to stop sending letters, cards etc, because my heart breaks, waiting for the postman for a letter to arrive..it never does.
I try to keep busy now and look after myself because one day, I know that things might change and they might need some help that I can give them..
Leeem, I know I'm not much comfort for you, but I want to let you know that I care about you, and to say to you Please look after yourself..
Kind and Caring thoughts,
my daughter sometimes rings her oldest brother and he sometimes talks it very limited , that’s about it . I pray your right that they will realise I’m not that bad . Thanks