Being Excluded

[Aussiegirl92]

I work in a military unit, and we basically don't get to have time to meet people outside of work. So everyone at work is friends. Except me. I do have a hobby, I teach kids Taekwon-do. But it doesn't really provide me with a social life. At work being a part of the unit is super important and I guess I just messed up on the first gathering and now I don't get invited at all. Even my own partner has lied directly to my face about events that are happening that I'm not included in. The last social gathering I was included in was my own birthday. And only my boyfriend turned up. At first I figured maybe it would take time. If I was super nice and helped people with their work and whatever else they might accept me. But now it's been years and every Christmas they have an orphans gathering for everyone who can't see their family due to being interstate and I've never been invited. I'm not even sure if I'll see a friendly face on new years. I am so sad and lonely. And sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I just wish I could be part of the team that I serve my country with. I couldn't care if I just sat in the back and didn't really be involved I'd just like to be a part of something. I work really hard and I'm passionate about my work but it's just so lonely. Especially because my partner only sees me alone and refuses to go to social gatherings with me and lies to me and goes alone. It feels as though I did something really wrong to hurt someone but I don't remember anything like that. I'm a bit quirky and sometimes I'm loud but I try to be kind and look out for people. I must just not have the right qualities to fit in. At first I thought I'd just be ok with it but at Christmas seeing the Facebook photo of everyone around the table just made me so sad. I wish I had a friend in the world.

[geoff]

hello Aussiegirl, I want to thank you for being in the military but very sorry for being excluded in any event you would like to be involved in, however your b/friend isn't doing the right thing by lying and then going to any function without you.
By him doing this is automatically denying you any chance to get to know anybody, so you need to talk to him or your r/ship becomes very strange, either he includes you or it's goodbye.
Is there anybody who is also excluded from these functions you can begin a conversation with or someone who is on the verge of not liking what happens.
I have to go I'm sorry but I hope to hear back from you so we can continue, just curious about your own thoughts. Geoff.

[quirkywords]

Aussiegirl,

Welcome to the forum. I too want to recognise and thank you for the work you do in the military. This is a safe , supportive, caring and friendly place to share your thoughts and your story.

It is a natural human need to wat to belong and feel part of a group. It must be lonely for you to feel you are being excluded. I like Geoff's idea of talking to anyone else who is being excluded.

You are trying hard and being thoughtful.

Have you asked your boyfriend why he doesn't want to take you to functions?

I am wondering are there any events , however small, that you are included in and have been invited to.

I am interested to find out more . I think being quirky and kind is a good thing but sometimes a group may develop social rules of their own that sometimes can make it hard for some people to fit in.

Quirky

[Aussiegirl92]

Hello Geoff and quirkywords. Thanks for replying to me so early in the morning. I was feeling very alone. It's nice to know there is people out there.

Each year I get to go to the river with the boss. They go several times throughout the year but Australia day is when everyone is included so they can't actually not have me there. I usually go alone and pitch my tent and try to make conversation. It just never seems to eventuate into friendships.

I think it would be easier if my partner wasn't involved in the whole thing, I think that actually makes it harder. I think I would be coping better if I thought that they agreed. As for other people who get excluded. I did make a friend with a girl last year and now she is friends with everyone and also doesn't hang with me now that she gets invited. I don't actually know many other people who are not invited. If they aren't they are being quiet about it. I watched the afl by myself and then saw the posts online and it made me very lonely. I just can't seem to break into the click I guess...

I will talk to my bf and see if he can actually tell me what he is thinking because it tends to be just avoided and forgotten about until the next thing that happens.

Any way. Thanks so much for being there. It helps to know that there is people out there somewhere I can talk to

[Bethie]

Hi and welcome

I know alot volunteer to help in Cadets and that allows them contact with personal outside of their unit. Maybe that's something you can look at.

[Frankly]

I read this with interest as it touched on my passed marriage. I'm not going into a long winded story as this is your post and specifics aren't the issue here. It's about how you have come to think about yourself which by your story has come about by the actions of others. Their exclusion of you. Or what you see as an exclusion either again isn't important. The whys and hows being right or wrong doesn't matter it's not what is happening around you. People are people, they come and go and either stick around or drift passed. What matters is the way you feel in the now, that's what's important and dealng with the problem which is the elephant in the room. Because keeping the animal theme if it goes on and on it festers and you end up with a black dog sniffing your trouser leg..next he follows you home..next he's on your sofa with you eating chips and watching AFL. Now it's a bigger problem..and you'll never trust a black dog coming over to say hello again. That is me being serious and knowing that feeling of being 'plan B' 'on the bench' is awful really aweful. But it's other people. I know you say you're in the military and if you feel worthless just on that no! Anyone answering your post will say 'thank you' That alone already makes you special and most of us humbled. My 'exile' came through my ex's career and her having to impress 'bigwigs' and I was probably an absolute embarassment😉😉 Simple carpenter from London mixing with QLD's finest *'s. Mud in the water. She confided..only recently she was sucked into the vortex..but enough.(nuff) about that. Hey you like AFL..they'll be selling nacho's and water to the queue outside your door..Funny..I just happen to own a chip van..errm..Where did you say you lived?...just joking and blown it with the moderators😉😉. This is not to be advised and only the end of my story on this. I joined an internet site which connects people with the same interests which I shall not name! I'm not everyones cuppa tea but my social life picked up and I gained many good friends...some with the same story.

So A) by what you do you are a special person.

B) Don't throw away all your sail sheets on the first boat! They don't all float!

X Frank...what is AFL?😉 blokes playing with their odd shaped balls? Dunno?