being cheated on and the affects its having on me as a person

[Sezmua]

Hi everyone, this is the first time i really know of that im suffering from depression. I'm 32 years old and i've had 4 serious relationships all of which i've been cheated on. The last 2 relationships have hit the hardest. The father of my kids cheated and then left me for the same woman.. and the relationship im in now, my partner keot leaving me for 3 or 4 days every 6 months atleast until october last year it was like every couple of weeks or days until i found out he was having an affair with another woman who didnt even know i existed. i caught him a month and a half into it... we've been trying to make it work ever since. Hes remorseful and sorry but i cant help but feel insecure, stupid, nervous, stressed and sad. I'm at war with myself. My brain hates him and wants to leave but my heart says otherwise. I'm scared of him leaving or me leaving him and then he moves on with someone else again..it makes my physically sick..when im away form him im a mess, when he's near me im ok. I'm scared of moving on with out him. It gives me extreme anxiety. Makes me feel weak and sick. I want to be strong enough to leave and be happy but i can't. I feel like im drowning. I see a psychologist and my doctor has prescribed me anti depressants but im terrified to take them as he said it'll make me worse before i'm better. I dont want to feel worse then i already do. It scares me. I am a jumble of a mess

[smallwolf]

Hi Sezmua,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I hope you will find this to be a safe and supportive place to be, at least I have. And that you are not alone.

One of the things that I "believe" in are patterns. I have had this conversation with both my psychologist and psychiatrist this week and one other person that I had a meeting with today. The hows and the why are actually coincidental. Anyway, when something happens once, it is a one off. Same thing happens twice and a pattern is started. Same thing happens again and the pattern become stronger.

So my issues relate to achievement, not finding pleasure in things, perfectionism, etc. All of which is inter-related. But each time something happens not quite right and negative thoughts occurs the pattern is repeated and becomes stronger.

So I have to work out ways to break to the pattern and create a new pattern of acceptance, etc. In your case, it might be expressing your thoughts to your partner about how you feel? Or being assertive and standing up to your partner and actions?

I would have to the ask myself when I had to evaluate my thoughts was, what would I tell a friend if they told me this story? And... is this thought healthy for me?

As far as the ADs are concerned, they also may not make you feel worse.But it is also situational. We are all different. And if you do feel worse, call your GP and tell them the effect and they might be able to work out some alternative. I know what it is like to feel worse, so I can understand your worries. But I also made it through that period,and now have on a medication that works for me.

You have been strong to be able to get help from a psychologist. And have been able to talk to your GP about this also, and both seem concerned and supportive for you.

And perhaps, if you thought about it this way - where each day he has shown himself to be committed to you, you might be able to the strengthen some positive "counter".

I guess one other question relates to whether you have actually forgiven him for his actions? That does not mean forgetting and letting the other off the hook, but letting go and being able to move on from the event.

I am hopeful that between and your psych, you will find the solution to the questions and issues you have raised. More importantly, I also want you to know that I am listening. If it is helpful for you write here, then please continue to do so.

Tim

[geoff]

Hi Sezmua, a warm welcome to the forums.

I'm really sorry for what's been going on because infidelity isn't being sensible and when there are kids involved, it’s even harder to deal with, especially when there is love between you and him.

I wonder how he feels about love being in a relationship with kids, because all he is doing is what he wants to do, so the trust has been broken, and even if he returns back to you then has he managed to keep the affair well hidden, so you had no idea what had
gone on and he has to hide how he is actually feeling, that's a difficult situation to be in.

You are always going to have doubts and whether to believe what he says, that's a hard call, and he may sympathise, listen and let you cry when you tell him of your disappointment, but that's at that actual moment, what's going to happen 12 hours later when this other girl tries to contact him.

My Best Wishes.

Geoff.