- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Be honest, am I overreacting?
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Be honest, am I overreacting?
Just a little back story first:
I had my son at 17, hes now 10. I had to grow up FAST, didnt get a change to be young and free. But i did it, studied and am now a registered nurse but honestly still struggling. Ive been out of work since September. Ive wanted another baby for 8+ years. No baby came when i was with my ex(not sons father), everyone thought we would have ended up married and have kids but i realised how abusive he was and left, extremely glad now that i didnt have a baby with him. But that strong desire to have another baby is still there. I get quite emotional when people i know announce their pregnancy. Theres that excitement and joy for them but then theres that sadness that 8 years later and im no where near close to having another baby. I have my cry, sleep on it and am ok, if anything it just motivates me to do what i can now to prepare for another baby.
It was my primary school best friend who announced that shes pregnant!
I shared that news with my mum because thats just what i do, shes usually the first i go to to share stuff like that. But tonight she responds with "Ill let you in on a secret, its the ones that are most promiscuous that dont fall pregnant! Nan always used to say sluts dont fall pregnant".
So me already being a bit emotional and starting to have my little cry that i do, that turned into a massive meltdown, ive cried to the point my head is killing me now. To me, i feel like her saying that is literally her calling me a slut because i havent had my second child and thats what my nan would say about me now because i havent given my son a sibling. And thats after being called a slut by almost everyone back when i was pregnant with my son because i was so young (i got pregnant to the one guy i had ever slept with at the time!). So her saying what she did has really hit me tonight. I sent "wow maybe why i havent had a second child yet", she responds with "lol" and i sent back "not funny.".
Then shes gone to try to change the subject before realising that i wasnt replying and started bombing me with me messages saying she meant its the sneaky teens who dont get pregnant, its the innocent ones who do. Theres about 30 messages she sent.
But no matter the reason behind it, i feel like ive been called a slut by my own mum. She knows ive been wanting to have another baby for years and then thinks thats something appropriate to say.
So tell me, am i overreacting??
Im sorry for what your mum said to you I understand that would have been difficult for you.
Congratulations on becoming a nurse that would have taken great perseverance.
Having a baby at 17 would have been challenging but you sound like a great mum.
Can I ask you something?
What do you think of yourself?
Not what others think but what YOU think of yourself.
All that matters is that you give yourself self love … give yourself permission to love yourself……. Once you can love yourself that’s all that matters because then that love will radiate off you and it really doesn’t matter what others think or say.
Stand tall and move forward.
I understand that you long for another baby, believe it will happen………. what’s meant for you won’t pass you by…. ❤️🙏
OK, an opinion from a 66yo man.
It is common for people to say something without thinking. It's common to misinterpret. It's also common for those with hang ups of sensitivity to over react. Add the three and you'll have conflict.
I have a golden rule. Unless I hear it directly from the person (no heresay) and the words are clear (no interpretations) then I ask for clarification. If that person has a good excuse and is usually trustworthy then it is appropriate to forgive and move on.
In this case, it is a topic that has deeply effected you and therapy would benefit you. Other people, even though you've confided in them, can easily forget your feelings when referring to someone else.
Had similar once. My mother said my brother was smart as he passed uni. I didn't go to uni, I joined the airforce instead...so was I dumb I asked her! She elaborated in that just because he was smart enough to finish uni didn't mean I was dumb by not going.
I hope that helps.
Speaking without thinking can damage relationships but if done unintentionally then, it proves they are human. All those texts you got sent to you? They were a form of fear- fear they'll lose you. That means there is love there- cradle and nurture that love, it's priceless.
Firstly, I’m sorry to hear that you are having struggles with having a second baby, that you so obviously desperately want.
Secondly, your mother’s comment, however, off-hand, is completely offensive and pretty bloody ridiculous to be honest. And what day and age are we living in that girls are still being called sluts for having sex 🙄 my interpretation of it is that she is referring to younger girls, that they are the more street smart ones who know how to not get pregnant compared with the innocent ones who don’t (ie you) and get pregnant, but still. It was mostly likely an off-hand comment that has inadvertently struck a nerve with you because of the fears and judgments that young mothers can go through.
given that you so desperately want another baby, have you considered any of the non-conventional routes, such as sperm donor etc? Or finding a friend who may help you with it? I’m not sure how old you are but I would also consider having the scan to check your level of egg reserves so that you know how much time you actually have, which may take some of the pressure off
Sounds like an ignorant comment and very out dated, but I can imagine my mom saying that, and it'd offensive in my mind not just to you but that they judge other women that way.
I wouldn't ever like to hear women or anyone calling other women sluts, but that was and still is the way sadly sometimes.
My mum called me stuff like that and worse, althiugh it sounds like Ur mother wasn't calling u that directly, judt making an ignorant and old fashioned statement which may be how she was bought up to think.
Still, times have changed, women should not be blamed or gossiped about for the choices they make in their private lives....
My thought exactly! And its not as though i am even sexually active. I havent slept with someone since 2017 and even then it was once. As for how many sexual partners ive had, i can use just one hand to count them. But even still, it whole word shits me!
Thats also another reason im angry. If i had been taught about safe sex then maybe i wouldnt have become a teen mum, i might have got the chance to be young and free. All i ever knew was condoms and it was embarrassing to buy those as they were behind the counter, you had to ask for them, being 16 it was incredibly embarrassing! Other contraception i had heard of but had always thought that the pill was like bad drugs you got of drug dealers on the street, not from a pharmacy..... I knew nothing about ovulation or when it happens etc. Mum never told me! I only realised that you get the pill from a pharmacy when i was already 8 weeks pregnant and mum suspected i hadnt got a period and dragged me to the hospital for a pregnancy test and to get the pill. Too late though!
I honestly have! 3 years ago i found out that theres actually single women who use a donor to conceive and knew that was my best option to have another baby and avoid the drama that comes with having a partner. Promised myself i will do that before i turn 30, so i have enough time to sort myself out. Im 27 now, almost 28. Had weight loss surgery in November 2021 and already lost 21kg. It will be November 2022 when i can start trying for a baby, need to wait 12 months post op. Biggest reason i had the surgery was to improve my PCOS and get a regular cycle back which has happened so far! Ive gone from 100+ day cycles to an average of 36 days since surgery so im positive im on the right track there. So now i just need to get a stable job that isnt casual. Really hoping to get a government job, so like working for NSW Health or something so im eligible for decent maternity leave. Have the clinic picked out, have looked at some donors already and picked about 5 that i really like. Just need to get that job and then the ball can start rolling! Its expensive to do, about $3500 per cycle, so im really hoping to save enough by November. Otherwise im more than ready to just take my super out to help pay for it. But all those tests would come once i start appointments with the fertility clinic.
Very outdated. Something my Nan would have said, according to my mum, she also knows how close i was with my nan. But i believe my Nan wouldnt have actually said something like that to me if she was still around when i was pregnant with my son.
I think it might be due to how she was bought up. My Pop, mums dad, still has very old fashioned views. That women should be in the kitchen and cleaning and not in jobs etc. He shuts up when i tell him women arent slaves to men though.
But yes, i just hate it how negative my mum can be at times. She had her own story when it comes to relationships and marriage etc. Has been divorced since 2001, separated since 1998 and is STILL bitter towards my father who is now living in Thailand with a new wife and baby girl. Over 20 years later and STILL bitter, talking crap etc and we all hate hearing about it. She was talking so negatively about this friend who is now pregnant, thinking that she will miscarry etc like who the hell thinks or speaks that way???? And this is coming from a clinical nurse educator in mental health!!!!!! You wouldnt think that those things would come from someone in such a position. At times i think its my mum who really needs to be a patient where she works and not the staff member.
Unfortunately your mother is living in a different era, one that was so harsh to women and girls. You were either a virginal bride or a “slut”, no in between, no acknowledgment that women have desires of their own, that sex is a completely normal part of life and that our instincts and emotions are driven by evolution. And as a result, that was also the era of the backyard abortion, where girls died or babies were given up for adoption, a truly shameful period. Like you say, there was not even the most basic of sex education, it was just abstinence, which is completely impractical and unreasonable, and obviously didn’t work. Your mum herself is divorced, something that was again not allowed, so she should be a bit more understanding that life doesn’t work like that. But how does this help you, I think you just need to acknowledge that your mother is a flawed human being with outdated opinions, which she will likely always have. It’s always a good thing to challenge small-minded opinions like you have done, but you also need to accept that it likely won’t stop her from having them. Unfortunately the things our mothers say are often triggering for us because they have usually given us our issues in the first place.
I am so happy that you have considered your options regarding having a baby. It also sounds like you have your head screwed on well and a clear plan. Your mindset is the type of one that I would want raising a child. Although you may not be able to change your mothers views, you can make a vow to raise your children differently to how you were raised, and that is far more powerful I think.
I so much like Juliets answer above.
I'm 66yo and have two friends 77yo. Only 11 years apart but oh so advanced I am compared to their views which are largely judgemental. This judgemental attitude is more so in that generation (pre 1950) however, without being judgemental myself purely on a generation, their children now around the 50yo mark if they have adopted that mentality from their parents, will have it also.
My point is that it can be really frustrating. When they visit the male wants to know how much I paid for our barista, a lounge suite and so on not for any other reason but to judge whether we can afford it or not. Ans so on.
But, our love is precious and nurtured. What I have mastered over my lifetime is the ability to treat friendships like fluid- if they annoy me I extend the breaks of seeing them, if they are less annoying I see them more often. This has great advantages of not severing the relationship which can be traumatic and keeping ties functional in case there is a need.
There is a breaking point however. In the case of my mother she broke boundaries by manipulation, emotional blackmail and disruption (trying to spoil two weddings). I had no hesitation in permanently ending the relationship. But that is the extreme and that decision is yours to make.
Juliet said " ....I think you just need to acknowledge that your mother is a flawed human being with outdated opinions, which she will likely always have" yes, she isnt going to change.