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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Grace_Joy Partner lying to ATO?
  • replies: 1

Hello, My ex partner runs his own business. I've just logged onto my ATO acc and it says for a previous finanical year that his business has paid me wages of up to $10,000! Now i was unaware of this. We were together at this time, we had seperate ban... View more

Hello, My ex partner runs his own business. I've just logged onto my ATO acc and it says for a previous finanical year that his business has paid me wages of up to $10,000! Now i was unaware of this. We were together at this time, we had seperate bank accounts and he would transfer me money from his personal acc and his business acc mostly to purchase things for him if he was too busy. Like boots, groceries, sometimes I would withdraw what he had transferred to pay his cleaner. We also have a child together so sometimes it was for his child. Or he would just be being nice and give me $50. Sometimes he would be silly in the description and say "gf allowance" or something sexual. Other times the money was to buy him alcohol. Never had it been discussed that I was employed by his business and it was mostly for him he just wnated me to do the errand for him. Im scared to do that years tax now as I never reported any of that money as I was never aware. Ive tried to speak to him and he is acting like I'm dumb and I dont understand. When I know this feels so wrong and so low. Ive gone back through my bank and checked dates of deposits and have messages showing that he had asked me to buy alcohol or do something for him with his money that was for him. I just need some support, anyone else had a similar experience?

BSB Adult child dealing with alcoholic parent
  • replies: 2

I am in my mid 20s, parents have just separated and one suffers from poor mental health and is an alcoholic. They don’t believe they have an issue so won’t accept help. Needing some suggestions or guidance as to how best to manage it?

I am in my mid 20s, parents have just separated and one suffers from poor mental health and is an alcoholic. They don’t believe they have an issue so won’t accept help. Needing some suggestions or guidance as to how best to manage it?

white knight Comparing parental love
  • replies: 6

I'm guessing it is an old fashioned belief among some mothers that a mothers love is stronger than a fathers love for their child. I can hear my mother now from 3 months after my brother suicided yelling at my father "anyway I'm the mother so I griev... View more

I'm guessing it is an old fashioned belief among some mothers that a mothers love is stronger than a fathers love for their child. I can hear my mother now from 3 months after my brother suicided yelling at my father "anyway I'm the mother so I grieve more". Dad just slowly walked out of the house and I noted his tears before he reached the letterbox. Another example is "well I'm the mother, I gave birth to him so my bond is there forever". Meaning you the father has a temporary bond and it can never be as strong. Also as you didnt give birth you are portrayed as the lesser importance of both parents ... and you always will be in some inflated minds. Most mums value fathers of their kids. In 1996 faced with the dissolving of our 11 year marriage and being mentally abused for that long, 2 young kids and the mere possibility of losing them in my life it led to my one and only attempt on my life. One week later I left with my fathers (dec) words ringing in my head "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all. He was right. I was fortunate to have an ex wife that agreed to every 2nd weekend access but in all other ways she was abrasive and unfair. Asking to take our kids to a parent and teacher night was met with "all that is taken care of" access denied. In some ways I felt like a sperm donor. I knew her attitude as I'd listened to her over the years with comments that supported her attitude that fathers are "providers only"..."protectors if needed" and "handy when a cubby needs building". Most interesting was when our eldest left home at 12yo to live with me (and never left till 21yo), "how dare she leave her mothers home" she cried on the phone. I tried to reason, that it was "our childs choice and I'm as significant as a parent as she is"... then the more pressing matter in her mind "with a child each I suppose child support will stop?". When my eldest reached around 19yo her mother stopped all contact, she simply couldn't live with such rejection. At 26yo I walked my eldest down the aisle and was wondering had I not made it back in 1996 who would walk by my child now? And at that moment my daughter turned to me and said "thanks for making it dad". Ironic. Dads are equal parents. BB helpline 1300224636Dads in Distress 1300 853 437.

W_Crane Lonely in relationship
  • replies: 4

Hi guys, I am very much struggling with my relationship. Married since 20 years, 10 years ago I started to feel that something is off but could not name it. Two years ago we had a mayor crisis (trust issues - I was the culprit) and she became quite w... View more

Hi guys, I am very much struggling with my relationship. Married since 20 years, 10 years ago I started to feel that something is off but could not name it. Two years ago we had a mayor crisis (trust issues - I was the culprit) and she became quite withdrawn.I started to research and found that we both conflict avoidant, she tends to passive aggressiveness (silent treatment) and I am more the people pleaser. I found that the relationship is lacking balance since a very long time (~10), especially when it comes to affection, effort, reciprocity, communication, etc. In addition, I found that we have partly different values and that she has the slight tendency to use double standards. Long story short, the longer I look at the relationship the more I realize it is lacking key ingredient that should come naturally. For example affection / effort. I can say our son never saw that she walks towards me to hug, kiss, etc, me. We talked about it but can't come to a solution. It's the crisis 2 years ago, she denies or minimizes the issue or simply does not understand it (I am here, you are taken care off (household, food, lunchbox, etc. ...). Somehow I am at my wits end as I feel lonely.

white knight Surviving narcissism
  • replies: 13

I used to believe narcissism was rare, but its more common than I thought. Ultimately someone wanting control over individuals or entire families is common and one must identify it in order to deal with it. What is "narcissism". Well, it's told by ma... View more

I used to believe narcissism was rare, but its more common than I thought. Ultimately someone wanting control over individuals or entire families is common and one must identify it in order to deal with it. What is "narcissism". Well, it's told by many a professional - just google it and can include some or all of the methods below- Triangulation of peopleLack of empathyself centredmanipulationuse of others as blind supportersexpectations of being superiorCan feel insecureThere are others of course. To be fair some suffer NPD and if you read this and you are getting treatment then you deserve the highest praise. If you suffer any mental illness particularly low self esteem, a submissive persona or you are excessively reliant then you could feel trapped in a life with someone that is controlling. The one with control could at worst, control members of your family so suddenly you are battling against a gang on a field the narcissist has paved for use as a battlefield. You arent a fighter but you have no choice, you face them, the narcissist is at the back pulling the puppet strings of her pawns at the front. The more you admit fault the greater power they feel they have until you fully submit. Most articles I've read suggest "no contact" but with other relatives drawn in it isnt easy facing losing them. This is a prime situation to seek counselling because you'll doubt yourself, your actions that you are criticised for. Anything you say can and will be used against you, twisted and blended in with the distant past, a time when you'd agreed to leave that alone suddenly it's dragged up again to build their arsenal. You'll need to decide, do you tolerate such conflict or do you seek relief, happiness and a life full of mature people surrounding you? A close relative recently rang me crying saying "I've lost my Aunty and looks like both my cousins" as her cousins were dragged into a dispute between her and her aunty. But my daughter has a close network of friends and me and her mum so I asked her "people come and go from our lives, do you really want these people to keep ties with you"? After a few days she realised that to preserve her mental health she would move on. It's tough but you'll survive TonyWK

Guest_342 Ghosted by my aunt
  • replies: 2

Hello. Does anyone have experience being ghosted by a family member and/or have any tips with how to mentally process it? I had a close relationship with my aunt all my life until the last few years. She has alienated herself from most of her family ... View more

Hello. Does anyone have experience being ghosted by a family member and/or have any tips with how to mentally process it? I had a close relationship with my aunt all my life until the last few years. She has alienated herself from most of her family but we stayed in touch. Though, our relationship did become somewhat strained over that time because she didn't speak kindly of people who are important in my life - my brother's family and my parents - and tried to turn me against them, I felt sometimes. She is suffered from bad depression and I imagine other mental health issues since her 20s - she is now mid-70s. We had an argument over something trivial and that to this day I don't fully understand (something about me not parking my car where I apparently said I would when we agreed to meet up in a local park) and I ended up saying I couldn't have this argument right now and walked off. Since then we have not seen each other (about two years) but we occasionally have exchanged text messages on eg birthdays (though hers have been significantly delayed - sometimes by many months). But in more recent times I have sent texts to let her know I'd love to get back in touch if she would like to but I'm met with silence. I think I've officially been ghosted and feel betrayed and can't for the life of me understand how someone could think a relationship is worth losing to prove a silly point that I don't even understand. We may never hear from or see each other again, and that makes me sad.

bebrave2023 Am I a bad person if I refuse my mother live in my house? Elder Abuse?
  • replies: 5

I am 37 years old and mum of two. My mum is 61 years old. She is single. She doesn’t have any income, so she lives with me and my husband. But she wants to control everything. Every time we went holiday, we have to take her with us, because she said ... View more

I am 37 years old and mum of two. My mum is 61 years old. She is single. She doesn’t have any income, so she lives with me and my husband. But she wants to control everything. Every time we went holiday, we have to take her with us, because she said she is afraid to live at home by herself. And she said if she is not happy, and she will not let us happy. she always think she is the head of our family. Because She thinks she raised me and I should repay her. Now she even want to bring my grandmother(my mum’s mother) to live with us without asking me and my husband‘s permission. She thinks this is our duty and we cannot say No. she makes me feel depress and anxiety. I talked to psychologist, and the psychologist suggest me the ask my mum move out my house. But my mum said if you ask me to leave, I will sue you that you are elderly abuse. I could not handle to live with her anymore. What Can I do?

Ammee My partner is addicted to Cannibis
  • replies: 2

My new partner and I have been dating for seven months. The first four were wonderful and I fell more in love than I ever have before. He had given up gunja a week before we started dating but three months ago he fell off the wagon and one month ago ... View more

My new partner and I have been dating for seven months. The first four were wonderful and I fell more in love than I ever have before. He had given up gunja a week before we started dating but three months ago he fell off the wagon and one month ago it got so bad he was smoking non stop and binge eating and all his hygiene went out the window. This is a man who is usually very hygiene conscious and he is a PT for a living! So it was a huge shock for me seeing him go through this. I have tried to talk to him about the problem but he just gets angry with me when I bring it up . I don’t know what to do! He is a beautiful person when off the gunja but while he’s smoking it he totally changes - it’s like I’m not important anymore. It takes priority and he is difficult to talk to or do anything much. I am struggling cause I am so in love and don’t want to let this one go.. he and I both have mental health issues and the gunja is like self medication for him. He does not want to talk to a therapist either.. and he doesn’t seem to understand or want to understand the impact the smoking is having on our relationship. Any advice on how to approach this situation would be much appreciated.

JL1690 Depression and cheating
  • replies: 14

Hi all, It’s my first time on these forums and I guess I’m hoping to find advice from people who have been in similar situations. My husband and I got married last November after being together for 6 years. Since he began working from home (maybe 18 ... View more

Hi all, It’s my first time on these forums and I guess I’m hoping to find advice from people who have been in similar situations. My husband and I got married last November after being together for 6 years. Since he began working from home (maybe 18 months ago now) and as lockdown became stricter, I’d been noticing that he began to put distance between himself and his friends (for example, complaining that nobody cared about him then not picking up the phone when lifelong friends called), withdraw from activities that previously made hom happy, and become more and more clingy around me (to the point where it seemed I couldn’t do anything without him). Our relationship has always been somewhat unconventional - not open exactly, but it did sometimes involve other people with a lot of talking and boundaries around that fact. Earlier this year he began speaking with someone else, and when that relationship began to break the boundaries of our agreement, I asked him to end it. We entered therapy and I was told he no longer had anything to do with her. Unfortunately, 2 months later I heard from the other woman, who informed me in great detail that there had been an affair going on the whole time. I confronted him, and he told me the reason she’d gotten in touch was that he’d ended it earlier that afternoon. I kicked him out of the house and we’ve been separated for nearly two months. I know that mental illness doesn’t excuse cheating (and in the context of our relationship, we both consider it cheating). I’m also not sure how much of this may have been motivated by his deteriorating mental health - this has proved a catalyst for him to finally recognise he isn’t doing very well, and he has chosen to seek help now despite being adamant he wouldn’t in the past. I think there is enough there to try therapy again and see where it takes us. Are there others out there who have experienced cheating concurrent with mental illness? What was your experience?

3x1st3nt14lCr1s1s Short relationship, BPD split said hurtful things, unsure if should still chase him or I ruined it
  • replies: 4

Seeing this guy for about 3 months. The first 2 wks he was always telling me I was beautiful, perfect, said he seen us having a good life together, and even told me he loves me really early on once. But it tapered, he stopped saying those things even... View more

Seeing this guy for about 3 months. The first 2 wks he was always telling me I was beautiful, perfect, said he seen us having a good life together, and even told me he loves me really early on once. But it tapered, he stopped saying those things even after I spoke to him about it. The honeymoon period doesn't last forever, but it felt so cut short and un natural, he did tell me his ex cheated and I was sus of trust issues, but if it was something that was affecting him or the relationship why didn't he speak up? I felt he wasn't giving me a chance, and I started to feel around 2 mth that he wasn't serious or didn't like me that much anymore. I tried to hold back lashing out as he was still seeing me frequently and even left a toothbrush and soap, but I am at a low point in my life in my rural home town I didn't plan staying in before him, and want to make goals and felt like he was the only thing I had going so I wanted to know where he stood and what he was looking for in the future. It took a while to rock the boat and pose the whole what are we question, and he was suprised when I did because he thought things were chill, but that's my whole point. He said he hasn't explicitly thought about us and future, he'd think about it bc he didn't want to say the wrong thing and reply when he seen me next, but he didn't so I started to lose my cool and told him I need to know about where he stands and commitment now because being in limbo kills me. He said that he thinks I should move if I'm considering it and it's the relationship that is keeping me here and I said if that weren't on the table then we'd just keep going like we are, which for me was physically seeing each other but I felt so emotionally detached and couldn't handle the ambiguity anymore. I split hard, and told him over the phone I haven't liked him for the last month, he went quiet and then hung up when I spoke again. I then sent a bunch of mixed intense texts attacking his character and also begging him to call me back and that I like him so much for about a day. No reply, no answers. I still haven't heard anything from him, I have his stuff here and want to give it back, but he lives with his parents and I'm not ready to be rejected if he doesn't want to speak to me, but I'm also not sure it's something worth pursuing or I ruined it. It has been 2 days since we spoke, I'm not sure if I should wait for it to cool down as he hasn't blocked me even after all the texts. What should I do?