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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Ladybird-33 I moved out to live abroad and my Mum can't cope with the situation
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I am seeking some advice on my situation. My Mum has had increased anxiety issues since I was born (I am an only child), and has had depression since my parents separated. We lived in France but my father was from Australia. After my studie... View more

Hi there, I am seeking some advice on my situation. My Mum has had increased anxiety issues since I was born (I am an only child), and has had depression since my parents separated. We lived in France but my father was from Australia. After my studies I decided to move to Australia for a year. This triggered a great crisis in my Mum's life, who despite having a partner at the time, could not handle having her daughter so far away. She had episodes of depression, and started drinking. I returned to France after a year, but was then offered a permanent job in Australia and decided to go back. As soon as she heard the news, the drinking became worse, she threatened to commit suicide, and made me feel very guilty. She was working at the time; as soon as the weekend came, she would start harassing me over the phone, saying horrible things to me hoping I would change my decision. She started victimising herself, and would only consider her view of the situation. My family and friends told me I could not live for my mother and that I had to stick with my decision. So I left again for Australia. I soon met a partner there. After a couple of years of depression and alcoholism, with me worrying everyday of what my Mum would be capable of doing to herself, she hit the bottom and considered seeking help. After a few months of therapy and medication, she got over the alcoholism problem. Our relationship went back to normal, we talked and messaged more often, she was happy and went back to catching up with friends/family and doing activities. Soon after though, her partner passed away. I went back to France for funerals but had to come back to Australia for my work. A few months later, she had a major depression again, not coping with loneliness, and stopped taking her anti-depressants properly. She was placed in an psychiatric institution, and after a few weeks of therapy and new medication finally came out of it. This recovery episode didn't last for long. She then retired and recently had to place her Mum in a retirement home. Now, she is feeling more lonely than ever and cries every time we Skype, saying she isn't happy by herself, and that she cannot live without me. I'm not a depressive person myself. Throughout the years, I listened, helped her seeking help, consulted her friends and family to help with various things. But since we have been through this for so many years now and I see no improvement, I just don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts?

Table_for_1 husband leaves 35 yr marriage with no warning
  • replies: 9

I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation. On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had 10 day... View more

I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation. On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had 10 day old grandchildl. The night before we were having a drink and clinking glasses together celebrating our wonderful life together. . I still couldn't believe what he was saying. He was twisting everything around to put all blame on me, He's been doing this the whole 10 weeks. He told me that night when we would tell people, what I would say and how we would split the finances !!!! I still cannot believe that I just went along with him. I realise now after 10 weeks and lots of soul searching and many tears and no sleep that he was and always had been controlling my head. I went on the holiday on my own which was the hardest but best thing I could've done. Table for 2 - no thanks just a table for 1 - I think Im going ok then I just crumble again. His messages have been so nasty. For months before this he had been talking obsessively about "Jennifer" from work. He was obsessed. I never thought that they were involved but now I know differently. He wanted to split our mobile phone bills and of course we know why 75 calls to her in 55 days. calls to her while I was cooking his dinner !!!! When I questioned him he said she was his bestie and he tried to help her with his life! He told everyone at the beginning that it had been 3 years in the making and he should have left me 3 years ago and he wants a new life No wonder I have been so confused. I still wonder how this happened when we had so many plans for the future. The house goes on the market in 4 weeks. He is so cocky and sure of himself. He is 63 yrs old. There is so much more to this story but if this is happening to you, you will get through it as us women are very strong and we don't know our our strength until it is tested. 11 weeks ago I was a happily married woman (or so I thought) with a wonderful happy future. I still have a good future but a different one as my friends said. I've made many wrong decisions in this time but we must all remember that there is no manual for us to read to know how to react, our emotions etc. Im very proud of myself how far I have come in 10 weeks because I never thought I could smile again but Im also aware that I could still crash and that is OK

Fat_Panda Anger towards the in-laws
  • replies: 1

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, e... View more

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, even when hubby and I were having problems in our marriage. Last year hubby realised that he was going to have to pick me over his family or our marriage wasn't going to last. And this was when all the conflict started. His family is extremely enmeshed and we had a hard year due to all the conflict. His mother tried to manipulate him over and over, told him that he wasn't happy, that I was the cause of his unhappiness, that I was the problem. She lied about me and bad-mouthed me to hubby and the rest of the family (relatives included) and told everyone that I was the cause of their family breakdown. Hubby stood up for me all the way and she didn't like that. She got the rest of the kids involved and manipulated them too. As a result, hubby had his siblings criticising everything we did. She lied about how things happened and eventually hubby ignored everyone. The whole family was against us and I was also pregnant with my first child at the time. Our marriage took a huge toll and hubby suffers from anxiety because of his family, how we let them control and dictate everything we did. Hubby lost his job (they had a family business), we lost our house that we co-owned with my in-laws (they forced us to sell due to 'financial pressure'), and we've had to start again. So we went on with our life. We recently reconnected with my mother-in-law and father-in-law just so that they could meet our son for the first time. Since March this year, his mother, sister and brother have kept in contact with nice texts etc. His mother texts him every week and hubby texts back nicely as well. I want to be at peace with the in-laws. If I could choose, I hope to never see them or hear from them again. But hubby feels like he owes them something. It makes me angry that they make nice and make an effort with hubby thinking that that's enough to be in hubby's life and be in our baby's life. They pretend I don't exist (from the texts to hubby you can tell) and to me that's really disrespectful. I want my anger towards them to go. But it's not easy. I want to support hubby, but I have different feelings towards this.

Ali_T Has anyone else felt like my husband does?
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all... View more

Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all the time, generally our marriage is good, we have been together 10 years and have an 18 month old daughter. Our problem that keeps happening is when he feels he isnt getting enough affection he becomes deeply resentful and angry very quickly. Though we cuddle and spend time together every night and our sex life is usually satisfactory for both of us, but when he doesnt get the oral sex he "needs" to feel loved he becomes resentful, sulky, angry, withdrawn and has thoughts of wanting to cheat to get his needs met. Most of the time he gets what he needs but he cant at the moment because im sick and its been 2 weeks, in that time he's had other ways to relieve himself (which includes sex) but it isnt good enough. He wont sleep, he literally stays up all night doing random things and keeping himself and me awake (normally he is a very good sleeper). In the past when this has happened i have just had to give in and do what he needs to get my own peace and sleep, no matter my own personal circumstances of not wanting/being able to do it. Even with him understanding my reasons of not being able to give him what he needs right when he wants it his behaviour is still like this. He says he doesnt understand his thoughts himself, but he says he feels unloved and angry towards me because im not giving him enough affection. He knows his behaviour is unfair and knows I shouldnt have to give oral sex right when he wants it but he cant get past his feelings of anger and resentment. It then creates my own anger because I feel like I have no choice but to do what he wants, when he wants and then its the last thing i feel like doing and especially at a time when Im not feeling my best. I have a chest infection so cant breath properly and cough all the time, its just not possible to give him what he needs, and nothing else is good enough, not even sex because that in itself is a source of stress for him because he then has pressure to satisfy me. My question is has anybody experienced feelings like this? does anyone have any suggestions how he could overcome/control them better, or even just to understand whats going on with him?

RickyC7 Communicating to my wife better
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm currently listening to a marriage audio book called 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley'. It talks about the differences between men and women and how to bridge the gap between them to grow healthier ... View more

Hi, I'm currently listening to a marriage audio book called 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley'. It talks about the differences between men and women and how to bridge the gap between them to grow healthier stronger relationships. This has always been a personal aim for life and my children. We encourage open dialogue regarding feelings to encourage better communication skills. This however doesn't seem to reciprocate onto my wife and I. Basically I feel like this: I have a wife who I love and cherish, but when I try to speak my mind or how I feel these discussions always fall on deaf ears. If I sit around being a family man, helping with the kids, assisting in the house where I can then all things are fine. I give her compliments, buy her flowers, we have great sex when we have it and generally it looks like a great harmonious relationship. BUT, if I want to have a deep and connected discussion about my feelings then that's shunned, avoided, even fallen asleep on. I sound like a woman here after listening to this audio book because I am actually looking for a deeper relationship that is connected at a level that is built on understanding each other not just doing what she wants! That last statement sounds selfish but I have stood by and given her the things that she cried and screamed for, more children, she has 4 of them now and it actually seems like she has what she wants and now I am the accessory on the side line that must just been seen and not herd because that is almost a demodulating quality for her and she can't deal with a man not having his 'stuff' together. She seems to be only happy with a rosy relationship that ticks the boxes that she has in her head. There have been improvements and I am positive that she after about 4 years of almost begging for change that she actually is starting to listen, but there is no feedback. It's just silence and staring. I recently made plans to assist the family with having what she wants and put into motion the steps needed so that she and the kids would be looked after but then she started to connect ever so slightly so I stopped the plan. This audio book has highlighted my deepest fears that we are not connected on a deeper level but only superficial ornaments wearing the hat of husband and wife. I have asked repeatedly to go to concealing but she won't. She won't even contend the idea that perhaps she might actually be doing something wrong. Any help plz

someguy82 A sudden and unresolved break up
  • replies: 1

I am currently finding it very stressful getting over a relationship. Throughout the relationship she was always very back on forth in what she told me. She would say she wanted a realtinship and then go completely in the opposite direction (yet alwa... View more

I am currently finding it very stressful getting over a relationship. Throughout the relationship she was always very back on forth in what she told me. She would say she wanted a realtinship and then go completely in the opposite direction (yet always providing hope that she wanted it to work out). We actually broke it off three times in total, with her initiating starting it again each time. the last time she came down to seee me one night and explained that she often runs away from relationships and that she didn't want too do this with me. less than a week later she did exactly the same thing. One of the hardest parts is she did not see me to telll me this. She just left and I never saw her again. She texted but didn't even call. We kept in contact for a while (probably a bad idea) but never saw or spoke to each other. She now does not communicate at all. I last saw her a few months ago and I know it wouldn't have worked out but I'm finding it hard top let go and its really causing my anxiety and depression symptoms to become almost unbearable. I know it would not have worked out and tell myself this and that it was good to meet her anyway and try to make it positive. I keep active, date other people and all the other things that should help but recently its been harder and harder to do this and my anxiety and depression is becoming worse. I don't know whats going to make it better.

fj_1980 Feeling lost
  • replies: 5

Hi, let me try again, my last one was to long. I've got a long story to tell but not enough characters to do it in so i'll do my best to summarise. Im nearly 35, on my 2nd marriage, and third serious relationship. The first was my high school GF 5yrs... View more

Hi, let me try again, my last one was to long. I've got a long story to tell but not enough characters to do it in so i'll do my best to summarise. Im nearly 35, on my 2nd marriage, and third serious relationship. The first was my high school GF 5yrs, then my first wife 7 1/2yrs with a now 10yr old son and now my current wife 4yrs and a 7 month old son. I really started my life again at when i met my current wife. After two horrible relationships with people who i now wonder what a saw in them my wife showed my that i could have the relationship i'd always dreamed of. We get along great, and i love her to bits, she has been very supportive. My trouble is i feel down all the time, in spite of the fact that my marriage is good i feel lost, unhappy, lack motivation and struggle finding energy to do everyday things. My wife has been with more sexual partners than i have and i feel jealous of this, i feel i've wasted my life and have alot of regret. I sometimes get visual images of her with these men and get sick feeling like she has cheated. I stress about her comparing me to them like i dont make the cut. I feel stupid because we both have a past, it shouldnt bother me. She is good and talks through it. There are issues with my ex and my son, she brainwashes him. Work is hard and i keep getting knocked back on opportunities to try other fields. Matt

KaraArtist Poisonous family members
  • replies: 12

Feedback and shared stories welcome. My brother and I have been loosing our once impenetrable relationship, he passes heavy judgments on me no matter what I do. When he attempted suicide (I imagine his behavior prior to this may have been a sign) it ... View more

Feedback and shared stories welcome. My brother and I have been loosing our once impenetrable relationship, he passes heavy judgments on me no matter what I do. When he attempted suicide (I imagine his behavior prior to this may have been a sign) it was necessary for me to take on the emotional load for my family because they fell apart, mum was catatonic and detached, the rest just couldn't cope. I held him in my arms from the moment he rocked up on my door to the moment they took him away to stay at the ward. He gets out and has met "the one", she was also in the ward for a similar reason. He seemed happy. But as time went on the both of them began to pass judgment on me again. I've been accepting of all the emotional baggage the two of them have and been there for them in hard times. They just had a baby, two weeks, I still have not been allowed to meet him. I spent the last half of the pregnancy sourcing and collecting things they would need for new baby because my brother lost his job and they were in big trouble. I have expressed that I understand they need time alone and I can wait to meet my nephew. This was met with comments about how I was being impatient and making this all about me and blowing things out of proportion. I'm confused about this response.Needless to say there is much more and I am beyond crushed. Unfortunately it has gotten to a point where I don't really want to meet my nephew now and don't want to be in the same room as my brother and his partner. I too battle with depression and have come a very long way from my darkest point.My brother has a regular group he goes to dealing with violence and mental health in young men and his partner refuses to get help. Doesn't change the way I'm treated unfortunately so I have decided to quietly move myself out of the firing line. I've been there for long enough and my health is just as important as anyone else. I've gotten rid of all the poisonous people in my life and now the only ones left still hurting me are a handful of family members. My partner and I will be moving to a place that I've always dreamed of living and I will no longer come running at the beck and call of harmful people. They will have to learn to cope with life without me carrying them all the way from now on.This has been years in the making and the hardest choice I've ever had to make.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Sharvi Have I stuffed up
  • replies: 4

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 18 months, until today we were happy and getting married in May next year. Today happened to be the day we spent in family court going through the finer details of my children from a previous relation... View more

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 18 months, until today we were happy and getting married in May next year. Today happened to be the day we spent in family court going through the finer details of my children from a previous relationship. I have not seen or heard from my kids in over 8 months and in that time I have struggled to cope with the situation. In the process of the details with the Laywers he mentioned that my ex had brought up that I also had a son from 15 years ago that I have had nothing to do with from day 1. My future wife turned and looked at me in a way she never has before. I told her that we had spoken about this but clearly by her reaction I have not. On further thought I can now see that I may not have but maintain that this was not intentional. I found out about this boy when he was around 5 years old and offered to do whatever I had to do to help but was told it was not nessasary. I don't no if I'm being selfish or not but my main concern and has been for the last 8 or so months with my 2 children, my stepdaughter and my partner. I don't no what the outcome will be from the fallout of this but a this point the sun is not shining. I do understand that being a parent is a full time job that we do whole heartedly but can I be blamed for something that happened 15 years ago tried to help when I was told but was asked not to in anyway. Is this a massive oversight on my behalf? I can understand the way my partner may feel betrayed but this is not something that is at the forefront of my mind. I can honestly say that today was the first time I have heard his name in at least 10 years. I do believe I have stuffed up majorly and am more than willing to put my hand up and admit that but from where I am sitting things do not look very good with my future wife to be

LikeSnow Wife at the end
  • replies: 8

My husband was diagnosed with severe depression 10months ago. He seeks help and medication. Nothing seems to be working really well. he is constantly trying to leave me and the kids as "we deserve better" and when he's not doing that I am getting a v... View more

My husband was diagnosed with severe depression 10months ago. He seeks help and medication. Nothing seems to be working really well. he is constantly trying to leave me and the kids as "we deserve better" and when he's not doing that I am getting a verbal beating. I've been called every name under the sun, I've had things thrown at me, and every conversation turns into some argument. Whether I'm in it or not. I get the undertone swearing and name calling when I don't get dragged into his crap. i work full time among looking after 3 kids, volunteer work and all the rest. My career is flourishing. This is another point for arguments. He has no goals and likes his 9-5 job. Which I have no problem with, but because I have goals I am beaten down. I can't speak to other men without being accused. I can't hang out with friends, text, take phone calls or go anywhere with an explanation. i feel completely soulless now. I'm happy still when I'm around other people. I have high anxiety about being alone with my husband and have no feelings anymore. I am so numb. does this get any better? Is it worth hanging in there? I am so lost. Even an affair is on my radar I am so desperate for some non-abusive companionship. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I feel like such a horrible person.