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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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GetCarter Lost the Spark
  • replies: 1

Hi All, I am new to the forums and am seeking some support/help. I am almost 40, married 9 years with two kids. My marriage is in crisis and I don't know what to do. For the past 3-4 years I have felt disconnected from almost everything in my life. I... View more

Hi All, I am new to the forums and am seeking some support/help. I am almost 40, married 9 years with two kids. My marriage is in crisis and I don't know what to do. For the past 3-4 years I have felt disconnected from almost everything in my life. I have left friendships, my health, my relationship with my wife on cruise control and everything has deteriorated. To all outward appearances everything seems great. I'm outgoing, employed, involved in the kids activities etc but the reality is very different. Apart from my kids, I don't really care about anything. I am doing the bare minimum at work and am afraid that I will get caught out and lose my job. My wife is not getting the love and support she needs from me and when she presses me I withdraw and resort to shitty tactics like stonewalling and gas-lighting. We have had some pretty horrible arguments and I have said some pretty horrible stuff to her, which she is having great difficulty in getting past. She has lost faith and trust in our relationship, she says she feels very alone and just barely keeping it together. I am just sitting back watching my life burn not feeling much of anything. There is a lot of resentment built up between us and the rift seems insurmountable. My wife says she wants me and us, that she loves me and wants us both to be happy. I don't hate her, I respect a lot about her, but I'm numb. I am terrified of leaving the kids, the effect it will have on them, I know it would destroy my wife to not see them everyday - but the thought of starting over on my own is appealing. Lately I have just been focusing on gratifying behaviors - eating too much junk food, watching shows/movies/ playing video games etc - basically avoiding doing anything positive or proactive in my life - and fear that if I leave it is just me taking the easy option out at the expense of so much. I am 40 soon and in the worst physical and mental shape of my life. I have many friends, but no close friends and no one that I feel comfortable talking to. I am uncomfortable talking to family or friends, I like keeping things private and putting on a brave face. If anyone has experienced anything like this and has some advice it will be gratefully received.

CLT3 At a cross road, with very small amount of people to talk too.
  • replies: 3

Ahh, where to start. last year my ex and I split up. It was a messy break up at that too. She left me for someone else. When her and new partner were together she fell pregnant after 4 weeks. They were together for 5 months. 4 of those months he was ... View more

Ahh, where to start. last year my ex and I split up. It was a messy break up at that too. She left me for someone else. When her and new partner were together she fell pregnant after 4 weeks. They were together for 5 months. 4 of those months he was cheating on her with multiple females, he was on drugs like weed and ice. The day after they broke up, she went to his sisters house to pick up belongings. She walked into his room to find him in bed with another person. An altercation happened and the ex girlfriend got hit in the face and kneed in the belly (still pregnant at the time as well). She called me up and I went straight there, the police were called and the ambos came as well. As we were waiting for them to come, he was denying the whole thing then contradicted himself saying it was a natural reflex. After awhile her and I got back together, went to every hospital, baby shopping, buying things she needed for the hospital. After 3 months I asked her to marry me (we were together 6 years before we split). I asked for her fathers permission first, then at Christmas time in front of her family popped the question. She said yes. February our daughter was born (she's not mine but she got treated as such) my bond with her is unbreakable. given her actual fathers past, I asked the ex to give it at least six months before he could see her. Even his mother thought that it was a fair call. I asked for a few of reasons,1) was so we could get settled in this new life, as it is we have 2 boys as well. 2) I thought I was protecting them both. 3) was a selfish reason and that was I didn't want him near them at all. 10 months back together, but in that time she went behind my back seen him, had him under a different name in her phone. When that happened we were looking into buying our first family car. I was fuming I didn't want to get into dept to be stuffed over. Eventually at her own discretion she told him to piss off anyways. Got the car after that. we always had some fights mainly because I wanted to start saving for a house. Something to call home. I work longish hours at work doing 2pm too 11pm, I let myself go abit wouldn't have a shower all the time because I was stuffed from work 25-30 minute drive home and I had to be awake early for school drops offs and for our daughter while the ex slept. Well now we've split again, she's been talking to him again even slept with him while I was at work, making a living for us. I love her but what do I do?

danijo Superfluous
  • replies: 1

Hi. I am new and it is with some reservation that I am reaching out and posting here. Not sure if it will help me, but right now I feel so weightless and small that I need something to pin me down. I am struggling right now with these overwhelming fe... View more

Hi. I am new and it is with some reservation that I am reaching out and posting here. Not sure if it will help me, but right now I feel so weightless and small that I need something to pin me down. I am struggling right now with these overwhelming feeling of loss and being alone. It doesn’t feel like I will ever keep a relationship. My partner has just left me and the thought that I will be alone again is unbearable. I recognise that these feelings will pass but I have been single for a very long time and do not want to experience it again. I am a quiet, introverted gal who is not the most outgoing person at the best of times. There isn’t that friendship or support network available to reach out to. I have friends, but the type that are all busy with their own relationships and kids and stuff that it is all a bit, not superficial, but one dimensional. I am 45, single and have no kids. I am scared that I will be alone forever.

tiger55 Separated after 30 yrs of marriage and struggling to cope
  • replies: 1

I am male, aged 62 and have now been separated for 1 year and still struggling to cope. I believed I had a very good marriage so it came as a huge surprise when my wife decided to split and start a new life doing things she wanted to do for which i w... View more

I am male, aged 62 and have now been separated for 1 year and still struggling to cope. I believed I had a very good marriage so it came as a huge surprise when my wife decided to split and start a new life doing things she wanted to do for which i would not fit in her new lifestyle. There is no new man in her life. I am still trying to analyse my future on my own and would love to travel and explore Australia doing house sitting but i am struggling with lonliness. Making new acquaintances is a bit tough in my present state of mind and given my age it is a bit daunting. Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.

highlysensitivepersonhsp The five a's of love
  • replies: 2

Have you ever wondered, what am I doing wrong, why don't I feel loved? David Richo writes about what we can do to promote mindful loving via five skills. It will help if you can create a pact with your partner to learn these skills and practise them ... View more

Have you ever wondered, what am I doing wrong, why don't I feel loved? David Richo writes about what we can do to promote mindful loving via five skills. It will help if you can create a pact with your partner to learn these skills and practise them with each other. Isn't that what a partnership is all about? The first skill is giving and receiving loving attention. Attention can arise from making thoughtful observations, from active listening, from acknowledging another's presence. It means giving focus to another and taking an interest in them. It means being attuned to their ways of being like their mood, feelings, activities, etc. The second skill is to accept one another. This means not trying to change them, but accepting that each of us is on a journey in life that involves our own growth and development. It is useful if each of you takes responsibility for your own growth. That you act as partners in support of each other's development. Of course, feedback is important, but judgemental criticism, contempt, and abuse are not going to promote mindful loving. The third skill is appreciation for each other. Talk to each other about what each of you brings to the relationship. What you are grateful for. Show your appreciation with your words and deeds. Celebrate together. Acknowledge strengths. The fourth skill is affection for each other. This is about showing that you like each other, that you find things to admire in them. Warm feelings of love need to be expressed so that you know how each of you feels. The fifth skill is allowing the other their needs, wants, and values. Again, the key is partnership to work towards goals. To communicate effectively. To work together to achieve what you want from life. It is saying yes, rather than no, but with respect for each other. In summary, the five a's of love are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. They are skills that need to be learned, developed and mastered. Practicing each with mindful awareness leads to a more loving relationship. Sandra

white knight Relationship conflict
  • replies: 1

With mental health we sometimes find difficulty in separating blame for relationship conflict. We can attend our professional medical consultant and vent about how bad our mood has been. That bad mood if confined only to our partner and not spread to... View more

With mental health we sometimes find difficulty in separating blame for relationship conflict. We can attend our professional medical consultant and vent about how bad our mood has been. That bad mood if confined only to our partner and not spread to other relatives and friends, can set off an alarm bell if you have sufficient awareness. How do we know if its our illness or the relationship under stress? Could we be venting to our psych when it should be a family counselor? Is your partner blaming your mental illness on your battles when he/she is mainly to blame? I had a defacto once. She loved the pokies and was a closet drinker. When we finally argued about her high level of wine consumption she claimed it was my bipolar moods that "drove me to drink....and thats why I use the pokies to escape your depression". When us fragile sensitive and low self esteem types are told these things we can end up believing it when the claims come from a stronger personality. In effect our insight of knowing we have "problems" combined with our deep feelings leaves us vulnerable. Some of this topic was covered in the thread (google) Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue Although that dealt with bullying we should remind ourselves that there is a significant number of undiagnosed people carrying mental illnesses in society. There is also those of us with mental disorders that have narcissistic partners or partners that are unreasonable, stubborn, abusive, cunning etc that dont quite fall under the banner of mentally unwell by medical standards or because they arent ever assessed you'll never find out anyway. But often you'll be the one to blame because "it isnt me, its you" syndrome. How do you defend that situation and defend it you must, to enable you to be treated fairly? Acceptance! Your illness is a part of you like your limbs are and your organs. Your partner for the reason of love should accept that your disabilities are not your fault, you didnt shop for them. Everyone has faults. Faults should not be used as a lever to gain convenient dominance. Caring for ourselves is a task we already find difficult to master. Finding conflict with the closest person to us should be balanced with love and care and of course returned to them as a partnership should be. Then there is the other possibility. That their claims are correct. In such cases work close with your doctors. Do your best...and your best should always be good enough. Tony WK

Travgf Physically and mentally crippled
  • replies: 5

First of all, this is the first time I've done anything like this so it's quite daunting and I'm not sure how to begin, but I'm tired of being the way I am. I am 28, I have borderline personality disorder, extreme depression and anxiety which I have ... View more

First of all, this is the first time I've done anything like this so it's quite daunting and I'm not sure how to begin, but I'm tired of being the way I am. I am 28, I have borderline personality disorder, extreme depression and anxiety which I have suffered from since I was around 13. 3 years ago I was seriously injured at work and I have been in pain (even though I'm on pain killers) ever since. I was in a relationship when I got injured and the relationship was good for a while, although she was mentally abusive,until my ex found out that I would not be getting a payout from WorkCover and she ended things. In regards to the relationship I am much better off without her and she doesn't affect my life in any way now. However, while in that relationship, and due to my inability to do much without being in a lot of pain, I have lost ALL of my friends, and the one person I did talk to I fell in love with and she has now ended the relationship. Although she says she "loves me" and hopes that we can be together in the future once both of our issues are under control. I feel as though she is just trying to spare my feelings. I sit alone in my room all day, speaking with no one and anytime I reach out for help on social media I get nothing. I am incredibly lonely, I despise myself, I have no hope that anything good will ever happen to me, I ALWAYS take anything anyone says in a negative way and I am so socially awkward and terrified of meeting new people. I feel like I'm a burden on my mum as she is the only person who speaks to me. I need help, badly. I have probably forgotten a lot of things, my mind is just all over the place and I don't know how to fix it, or me.

Krisv6 My anxiety is affecting my relationship
  • replies: 2

I am not in the easiest relationship but I'm in one that's worth it. My partner has suffered in abusive relationships in the past which cause her to be irrational and have anger outbursts. Usually I would remain patient and be understanding at times ... View more

I am not in the easiest relationship but I'm in one that's worth it. My partner has suffered in abusive relationships in the past which cause her to be irrational and have anger outbursts. Usually I would remain patient and be understanding at times where she feels angry, irrational and is difficult to talk to. She does not want to be ignored but when she's suffering it can be difficult on me with things that she says to me. Im currently doing by best to address my anxiety which has recently spiralled to a point where I'm reaching out. My anxiety is taking the form of my relationship right now. I've lost my ability to remain calm and patient when she goes through rough days when she has outburstst and mood changes. I fear them at the moment because I don't know what the right way to approach them is. I often feel inadequate that I'm having difficulty dealing with them now and fearful of the next one. How do I remain centred when I know that reaching out is the right thing to do but I have to be persistent through being ignored and pushed away? What is the right away to approach a victim of past abuse when they are going through a rough stage?

Saphira Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own
  • replies: 14

I'm 25 and going through a mutal split with a guy I have been with for 2 1/2 years, I live and work in Sydney and all my family and friends are over an hour away. I had always been a very independant person and also a big commitment-phobe and since b... View more

I'm 25 and going through a mutal split with a guy I have been with for 2 1/2 years, I live and work in Sydney and all my family and friends are over an hour away. I had always been a very independant person and also a big commitment-phobe and since being in this relationship (he's a lovely guy) I've become dependant on him for everything really! He would always help out financially, emotional support, extremely handy with mechanics or absolutely anything I couldn't do and now I'm faced with moving to a place on my own and the anxiety is getting worse by the day, I'm moving in with family and will make the long daily commute to work every day for about a month I think to have friends and family close by while I process this and get my head straight but then I'll be on my own! Just hoping to find people that have been through a similar situation.

CharlotteS My partner says he is not in love with me anymore
  • replies: 6

Yes I know it's common to hear that, but there we no signs, a complete bombshell and it was blurted out without warning. We have been living together for 4 years both after very difficult marriage breakups where both our exes suffered from depression... View more

Yes I know it's common to hear that, but there we no signs, a complete bombshell and it was blurted out without warning. We have been living together for 4 years both after very difficult marriage breakups where both our exes suffered from depression. Sonehow we have created a happy blended family of 5 boys (me two, he three), they all get on great! There have been no signs of him being unhappy in the relationship at all, only the weekend prior to the bombshell we had a romantic getaway and intimacy was no problem. He saw a doctor today and will be seeing a psychologist to try and work out his unhappiness. His work has been very stressful which hasn't helped. Is there hope after your partner has told you they are not in love with you anymore? I love him more than anything, I just don't understand it all