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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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sue_denim 4 seasons in one hour: long-term relationship breakup
  • replies: 15

My partner of 27 years suddenly announced 2 weeks ago that he's leaving our relationship: demanding shared care of our kids- a young adult son with significant disabilities; and an adult daughter on the autism spectrum, who lives at uni, but needs as... View more

My partner of 27 years suddenly announced 2 weeks ago that he's leaving our relationship: demanding shared care of our kids- a young adult son with significant disabilities; and an adult daughter on the autism spectrum, who lives at uni, but needs assistance with self-organisation and mental health. I'm still struggling to comprehend why now; without warning. He thought I would be relieved: I still want 'us'! I'm 7 years younger, he's in his mid-50s, and wants the last section of his life to be how he wants. I knew we were in a slump, but things were going to be more manageable once my course ends. I have 5 weeks left of a teaching degree, finishing my final prac. I'm struggling, with poor supervisory support & feral students: triggering my anxiety. I've studied since 2011, due to parenting and work and must finish to support myself. I've had depression/ anxiety through adulthood, managing with GP intervention/ medication and occasional counselling; my dad died this year from cancer, my mum is in a home. We were going to sell our house and move to the bush: I'd work and he'd reduce his hours; our son would attend a day-program. He strung me along: telling his family and our daughter a month ago. His family egg him on: the matriarch did the same thing to his dad. He's moved out and we're now in a cycle of 4 nights each with our son. He only opens up in relationship counselling: he can't see my view that this is selfish, narcissistic and destructive. I'm accused of stifling his need to be in a band, meet with friends, family etc. His unorthodox work hours have restricted any couple time, or to have a life away from the grind: yet he's always completed computer games, copious novels and has guitar lessons, while I've worked, studied or looked after the house. He's frowns on respite to lighten the caring load. Despite this, I want us together. I admit I can be moody under stress, but that was going to end. I want 'us' back, but this puts him off even more. His plans restrict my ability to return to my home-city, with my siblings, mum and support network (once prac is done); I've found a solicitor - apparently I'm rushing in, that there's time for arrangements later, he doesn't want lawyers involved. I'm afraid of going in hard, but I have rights, as does our son. I'm managing negative self-talk by exercising, meditation, private counselling and my GP. I need guidance to control my roller-coaster feelings, to work out what needs to be done and what is going on.

Lycan Im new, and friendless.
  • replies: 15

I've had anxiety and depression for years, the depression from a car accident at 18 months of age. Been tossed from dr to dr from moving around alot as dad was in the army, so we moved every two years. Depression destroyed my first marriage. Im now 5... View more

I've had anxiety and depression for years, the depression from a car accident at 18 months of age. Been tossed from dr to dr from moving around alot as dad was in the army, so we moved every two years. Depression destroyed my first marriage. Im now 54, and its been a roller coaster ride for me, because every different doctor has a different treatment. Im also on disability for having lupus, fibro, polymyalgia, asthma, depression and anxiety. My new hubby has advanced prostate cancer, and has been told that once his chemo stops working, [ and it will], he wont have too long left. My hubby is my carer. If he dies, i will be dying along with him, as no one wants me, and i cannot live without him. Even now, we cannot afford to live, and cant even afford to die. I dont know what you can say to help me. I usually cry myself to sleep every night.

white knight Anger and frustration
  • replies: 13

If one or both partner have any mental or lets say emotional issues I believe in my experience, anger and frustration climbs to breaking point then the downward spiral begins. Add to this typical pressures of modern living. Total commitment might be ... View more

If one or both partner have any mental or lets say emotional issues I believe in my experience, anger and frustration climbs to breaking point then the downward spiral begins. Add to this typical pressures of modern living. Total commitment might be well intended but is it enough for the long term? What is required to endure the yelling, the silence and disappointment. Prevention far outweighs cure. Putting strategies in place, planning by rules for when these events arrive is far more wise than hoping events dont come around. Defusing an arguement within the first 30 seconds my wife found was her best idea. As soon as I'd begin to raise my voice she knew she had to work quickly to snuff out the spark before the fire began. She also recognized a combination of shaking my head left to right and being silent was a good indicator of the pending vulcano. We cant dismiss the direct approach.."I'm getting frustrated with this conversation" can lead to (from the other party) " I'm sorry, I didnt mean for you to get upset, we're only talking". And in those situations skin contact can make a world of difference, sadly I've seen couples argue at a distance without much chance of such contact when the moment could be seized. My wife and I sit close enough on our lounge chairs with a small coffee table between us. Close enough to reach over and hold hands. This can occur if abrasive words are said. We agreed if a hand is held, the matter is resolved...no more ramblings. It also happens when I see her upset commonly when animals are hurt on TV. Of all the basic things one can have in a relationship to keep the bond alive that set up is on par with hugs and favours, flowers and any consideration. Some refuse counseling. A trained counselor can ask a simple question to make you realise you are being unreasonable. Eg past partner of mine was frustrated I had a hobby (model planes) that I enjoyed a few hours every second evening. But she didnt have any interest of her own. The counselor asked her "and whats your passion" to which she had no reply but it made her realise it wasnt my passion that was the issue, it was that she didnt have one of her own. But as for arguement resolution 7 years ago my wife and I came up with a plan of our own when anger was well under way. It has worked for us on every occasion a full blown arguement has come about. It is detailed in the following thread. Simply google it. Topic: relatiionshop strife?- the peace pipe- beyondblue Tony WK

Smithsons Introverted girlfriend / extroverted family
  • replies: 3

Hi all, been a while since I've posted but wanted to get something off my chest.. I've been going out with my girlfriend for 7 years now and just about 2 years ago I officially introduced her to my family, immediate and extended. One of my girlfriend... View more

Hi all, been a while since I've posted but wanted to get something off my chest.. I've been going out with my girlfriend for 7 years now and just about 2 years ago I officially introduced her to my family, immediate and extended. One of my girlfriend's personality traits is that she is hugely introverted - when she's in a public or foreign setting, she won't say much at all and she’s just in her shell. I don't mean to say any of this as a criticism, one of the reasons I fell in love with her was because she was so quiet.. it took her a long time to break free from her shell with me and be fully comfortable around me. I understand that people might think I'm being biased in saying this, but she really is one of the good ones, she’s such a nice amazing girl. Her introverted personality and quiet nature has NEVER been an issue for me at all. For her but it has been, her whole life her family and friends have criticised her for being so quiet and she's judged herself a lot and given herself a hard time because of it. Unfortunately the same thing is happening with my family... when she's at my place or at a family gathering with my whole family (and I come from a MASSIVE family so that gives her huge anxiety) she stays really quiet and just observes. Sometimes she tries to avoid eye contact and she doesn’t involve herself in conversation, especially if I’m not involved. But that’s just her nature. I’ve noticed looks people have given her in my family, and some have even made comments to me. Not long ago my closest cousin said to me in private “I know she’s quiet, but, people r gonna start assuming things, they’re gonna think she’s rude”. I didn’t blow up about it coz I wanted to avoid conflict with him but his words really hurt me. Another one of my cousins said that she isn’t “good” for being so quiet. My sisters have all said that she needs to open up more. I understand why some people might get this impression from her, but that isn’t her at all. She can’t help that she’s quiet, it’s just who she is and I don’t see why she should have to change? I don’t really know what I want from this. I just really needed to get it off my chest.. lately at family functions I’ve been feeling anxious coz I’m worried what people r thinking or saying about her in private. She means a lot to me.

Popsicle I'm a new mum & I feel like I'm trying
  • replies: 10

Hello, i have a 4month old baby girl who is beautiful. She is such an amazing baby. We laugh and smile all day. I take her to playgroups and the library which she loves. I'm involved in a Mothers group with some lovely ladies, but none that I've real... View more

Hello, i have a 4month old baby girl who is beautiful. She is such an amazing baby. We laugh and smile all day. I take her to playgroups and the library which she loves. I'm involved in a Mothers group with some lovely ladies, but none that I've really 'clicked' with, or have the same sense of humour. The past few weeks I feel like I'm in a slow decline. We live in a city that is a 4hr flight from my best friend and mum. I'm having more 'can't be bothered' days and I don't feel 'bored' but just fed up and sad. Im hating where we live even though there's nothing to hate. I'm pushing my husband further away with my moods and snapping and I am apathetic. I feel ungrateful because there are so many amazing things in my life. . . I have a counselling appointment booked next week. I'm not entirely sure what else to do? I speak to my friends on the phone, my husband flew my bestie up for my birthday and it was amazing, I felt more me & had fun! I just don't enjoy anything in life at the moment except my little girl. I'm just sad ...

Springtime Depression after a heartbreak
  • replies: 3

Hi there, I'm new here. I've been experiencing depression ever since I had my heart broken a few months ago. I live next door to this guy and we work together. His new girlfriend was one of my close friends. I've been trying so hard to be professiona... View more

Hi there, I'm new here. I've been experiencing depression ever since I had my heart broken a few months ago. I live next door to this guy and we work together. His new girlfriend was one of my close friends. I've been trying so hard to be professional and mature about the whole situation, but it hurts so badly. Every time I think I've reached the stage where I can forgive them and move on, something happens to trigger the hurt all over again. The new girlfriend is visiting him this weekend and I'm so afraid of bumping into them in the driveway. I want to be able to be courteous, but I just feel so twisted up inside. I wish I could move or change jobs, but neither of those things is an option right now. All of my support people live interstate and I just feel so isolated and alone right now. I talk about it to anyone at work. I've been receiving regularly help through a counsellor, but I just felt so sad this evening and didn't feel able to call any of my friends and family again. I know they love me but I hate burdening them. I just didn't know where to turn to. So, I found this forum. Can anyone relate? How would you deal in this sort of situation? I want to be able to move on, but I just feel so hurt. I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Illusion Is marriage based on love?
  • replies: 5

Hi, I'm married with two young kids that I love. A few months ago our marriage was going really bad. To the point that I was ready to call for divorce despite any trauma I could cause to my kids. I tried my last tentative to fix things up which invol... View more

Hi, I'm married with two young kids that I love. A few months ago our marriage was going really bad. To the point that I was ready to call for divorce despite any trauma I could cause to my kids. I tried my last tentative to fix things up which involved me putting her on the spot to decide if she was going to try to work our marriage or I would end up everything at that very moment. At the time she said she loved me and wanted to make things right. And in fact she did try to improve things (me too of course). She always had a personality thing that would make very hard to leave with her. But she was trying to control herself, despite a some eventual misbehaving. What happened is that recently I started to develop feelings for another girl. I'm now always thinkng about her and wanting to stay with her. It is pretty clear that she is into me too. She broke up with her last boyfriend a few months ago and is now very keen to find someone else. She is very attractive and I know she won't be alone for too much time. The "problem" is that since I started to develop these feelings my wife started to behave much better. I am actually very impressed with her. I was really expecting (and sort of still am) her to misbehave badly again to end it, and that is way I allowed myself to develop such feelings with the other girl - kind of to be prepared for when my marriage would eventually be over. The fact is that I don't think I can now end my marriage. I don't really have an "excuse" for it and really recognize what my wife has been doing. And of course would much prefer to keep a happy family together and see my kids growing happy. But the reality is that I don't feel the love anymore. I know that soon enough the other girl will move on from me if I don't do anything. And I will feel terrible if that happens and in a few months time I am divrocing my wife (I still think that at some point she will screw up everything again). Having an affair is something that I don't even consider. I can't have a second life and don't think this would be any fair to my wife. So I guess I'm destined to see this girl going and hope I can learn to love my wife again. Even though I'm not confident I will ever do again and believe she will not be able to control herself for long. I know this is not the worst problem one can have, but this is really killing me. Am I still married for the wrong reason? Or it is just an illusion that the other girl would be better and shouldn't risk my family?

Old_kitten Moving away from the coast has made me really sad
  • replies: 1

I moved with my hubby and son to a regional towwn 5 hours from the coast in June 2017 It was for my work and it is cheaper here HoweverI am missing the coast and ocean so very much and as time goes on it is getting worse Hubby doesnt understand and I... View more

I moved with my hubby and son to a regional towwn 5 hours from the coast in June 2017 It was for my work and it is cheaper here HoweverI am missing the coast and ocean so very much and as time goes on it is getting worse Hubby doesnt understand and I cant talk to him I want to be back by the beach so much it hurts like the end of a relationship I have always been by the coast my whole life and feel like I have made a major mistake I have been recently but it made it all the worse How can I get over it? Even if I try to talk myself that we can leave someday later how can I make it ok now It is making me feel really depressed Please help

Mancity Marriage separation
  • replies: 10

Hi all, My wife of 20 years moved out of the family home 3 months ago to go stay with one of her female friends. It was a fairly insignificant reason but it was a case of the straw that broke the camels back. I have had long term anxiety and social s... View more

Hi all, My wife of 20 years moved out of the family home 3 months ago to go stay with one of her female friends. It was a fairly insignificant reason but it was a case of the straw that broke the camels back. I have had long term anxiety and social shyness. My wife over the years showed me lots of love and affection and totally adored me but I never really fully believed or understood it. I am was fairly paranoid throughout that deep down somewhere that she didn't really want me and wanted someone else but I do recognise that it was paranoia and that she just wanted to love me and for me to love her back. I always found my emotions difficult to deal with and could never really open up with her and probably did take her for granted over the years and wasn't particularly nice to her and did accuse her of things( infidelity) but she always stood by me. Things changed for me a couple of years ago when I was introduced to mindfulness and I had a real perception shift I allowed love into my heart and in turn was able to love it felt so amazing, but ironically at that time my wife started to withdraw her emotions from me and I couldn't understand it but in her eyes she saw it maybe she had been living with a totally different person than what she thought. But for me I found an amazing person I had been living with all this time but had not really appreciated and my love for her went to a new level. So here I'm writing this now with tears in my eyes having possibly lost one of the most amazing women in the world. She comes round to the house a couple of times a week and helps with some housework and we'll have dinner together and we did yoga together last week and we have a trip to the movies planned for next week so I'm not totally without hope but I only feel ok when I think my marriage might be rescued, I am seeing a counsellor to talk things through which is a help, I know this a ridiculously long post and thanks for reading it all but as you know how helpful it is to just get things off your chest especially by writing it down

KittyAzure In a relationship thats not a relationship
  • replies: 4

I moved into college this year with no intention of dating anyone due to a recent break up. I started sleeping with a guy who said he didnt want a relationship and I thought it was just a couple time thing but then he told me he liked me. A little wh... View more

I moved into college this year with no intention of dating anyone due to a recent break up. I started sleeping with a guy who said he didnt want a relationship and I thought it was just a couple time thing but then he told me he liked me. A little while later he said he wanted to be exclusive. Its been almost a year now. I sleep in his room every night. I love him and have brought up wanting to be in a relationship with him before several times but he always says hes happy with the way things are and he doesnt want a relationship on college because it doesnt work out. Last night I was upset about something my dad said to me and wanted a hug for some comfort but he wouldn't. He ended up calling me too dependant and then we ended up talking. I told him that I love him and he said he knows abd he doesn't like it because he doesn't want to hurt me. From the start he's warned me that I'll probably end up getting hurt by being with him. I dont remember exactly what we talked about because it was very late at night, but I remember he said that hes still looking for the one, I said thats not me is it, he said not currently. I asked him why and he said im immature, I believe he means emotionally. Hes around 3 years older than me. This really hurt me and I dont know what to do about it. He did quietly say he loves me but he wont let himself. We're kind of acting like it never happened but it's hurting me so much. I dont know what to do.