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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Piscorpleo 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one?
  • replies: 3

Has anyone here had an experiences with 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one? I had a bit of a wacky childhood, domestic violence, moving around the world with a sick mother who didn't really know what she was doing... I know there is a lot wo... View more

Has anyone here had an experiences with 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one? I had a bit of a wacky childhood, domestic violence, moving around the world with a sick mother who didn't really know what she was doing... I know there is a lot worse out there, but she would just make irresponsible decisions and blame us children for the results. Like moving us across the world and not checking if we would be able to get into school (I was not able to in he new country, not that she really cared!) Lots of decisions like this. Because she moved around all the time, and I missed out on education and socialization, I am realising now at 21 that I suffered from a heap of arrested development, and it has had a very negative impact on me . However, I do believe that my mother's illness and dependence on alcohol and drugs mean she really didn't know what she was doing. She didn't mean to hurt me but her choices have left me with scars which feel pretty deep - and moving around made me so isolated and alone. I never learned simple skills, like how to assert myself. I became secretive. I have been taken advantage of sexually, and I know I am the only one to blame, because I never learned proper social cues, she never taught me what was okay... all I ever saw was domestic violence in early childhood and after my parents divorced when I was 7, she just never spoke to me about relationships. I thought it was normal so I didn't fight it. I thought it was my job to be easy going. Probably stemming from the fact that whenever I would try and tell mum I was unhappy with something (example being my sister self harming at 13) she would avoid it or go into a diabetic coma. I lost my ability to be anything but submissive in so many respects. I am afraid to talk to a psychologist about what I have done/been through. I feel riddled with regret and guilt. I feel bad. I sometimes wonder if speaking to my mum on the phone (now that we live in separate counties) and just telling her how I am hurting would be a good idea? I hate the idea of hurting her, but I guess I have just been hurting a lot lately. Maybe that's too selfish of me though, so i am asking here for other opinions. I am safe now and in a loving relationship. I don't wanna put my mum into a shock coma and then not be there to help her... but I need to release this all somewhere... Have any of you had similar experiences? Would be keen to hear it, or even just your opinions. thanks

Singlemom2018 Single & Pregnant & 1600kms from home
  • replies: 6

My ex partner of 5 years & I split on October, a week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. Originally I was tested for a slow miscarriage & had a number of tests before we confirmed a viable pregnancy. We looked into all options inc... View more

My ex partner of 5 years & I split on October, a week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. Originally I was tested for a slow miscarriage & had a number of tests before we confirmed a viable pregnancy. We looked into all options including keeping the baby, adoption & abortion. But after speaking with the abortion clinic, my doctor, friends and a per natal psychologist I made the decision to keep my baby. My ex was mad & tried to blackmail me into having an abortion repeatedly. He told me if I had an abortion, he would allow me to travel back to my home country to raise my other kids. He used the word "kill" when discussing an abortion. I found the strength to ignore his requests. I'm so glad I kept my baby. I actually thought he was suffering mentally & saying these things as a result of a mental illness. Due to this misconception, I even increased my hours at the business we share, to take the work load off him & ease some stress. I was devastated at the break up & hope we would reconcile. In mid December I found out on social media he was in a relationship with a 22 year old French student. She had posted pics of them kissing. She went to our Christmas party so all our employees/mutual friends knew about her before I did. It then came to light that he began dating this girl the weekend I was waiting on results of the miscarriage in October. And she was the reason he wanted me to abort my baby. She has been very vocal on social media about their relationship (posting pictures of them in bed together), how great it is, I've had deactivated all my accounts. He has even had her working in our business behind my back, which I only found out about when I discovered her in our office one day. As a result I now work from home alone & hate it. He's missed every pregnancy scan, he missed the 20 week scan as he took his girlfriend on holiday. He took 8k out of the business to fund this. While he was gone, I was responsible for our accounts & found we have been making losses every month since October. We are at real risk of going into liquidation. We employ 6 people. My question is, how do I get over being so disregarded & humiliated repeatedly? I am over the heartache but how do I stop being so angry at how I've been treated? Its all I think about. Im angry about how he's letting the business fail when we have kids to provide for. I wake up at night angry. I'm lonely too. I see a psychologist, meet friends, walk & meditate daily.

Charli_May My partner doesnt know I have scitzoeefctive disorder
  • replies: 1

Ive been with my girlfreind for nearly 6months but i cannot tell her about my mental illness. She saw a tab on my computer opened for scitzophrenia and asked if i thought i was crazy. When she told me she suffered deppression as a teenager i told her... View more

Ive been with my girlfreind for nearly 6months but i cannot tell her about my mental illness. She saw a tab on my computer opened for scitzophrenia and asked if i thought i was crazy. When she told me she suffered deppression as a teenager i told her it was nothing to be ashamed of and alot of people expieirnce it and i i do time to time her response was are you suicidal? She has grown up in the country and seems to have a led a sheltered life to mine, my mental illness does not define me I hide it well but at time i do need time alone and i can get overwelmed. I work and study and have avoided further ect but have spent alot of time in physciatric faciitlies. I work in disability and am studying welfare my partner has the mentality that mental illness is a weakness she has a sort of old school man mentality like dont cry, mental illness is bad crazy thing very much fitting with the stigma society represents. Everyone else in my life is aware I am afraid she will leave me if she finds out or put in a box that makes me crazy, I am very much a people pleaser so will go with the flow of a situation to please another so when she asks me if i will be staying the night and i respond no and then she starts asking why i will then say that i will in that moment she tells my im bipolar. Thats her mentality on issues, it is a weakness in her eyes. She gets mad when i dont tell her everything because i also have some physcial condtions but she seems to put me down for things i dont want to be told im crazy or if we have a fight or something her to use it against me, i have agut feeling everytime something happend even minute it would be turned on me because i have a mental illness.

Heartbrokenmum Should I keep trying?
  • replies: 8

8 months ago I found my husband of 21 years on dating/hookup sites. I confronted him and of course he denied it. I told him if he was cheating on me and our 4 children to leave. He left that day.. There was alot of anger and abusive texts blaming me ... View more

8 months ago I found my husband of 21 years on dating/hookup sites. I confronted him and of course he denied it. I told him if he was cheating on me and our 4 children to leave. He left that day.. There was alot of anger and abusive texts blaming me for the seperation in the beginning but he just kept saying he needed time and space from me. I remained in our home with the children and was absolutely devastated. I had always been supported him and once he left, our world turned upside down. I started to study nursing to be able to return to the workforce and provide for my children. Ive now graduated and have started working for the first time in almost 20 years. Since starting working there has been alot of mixed signs from my husband and I feel confused. He has had little to no contact with the kids since leaving and one day is abusive through text messages and the next day asking if I need any help just to let him know. I have needed help with a few things around the house and he has been happy to assist. Just in recent weeks I went to call in to visit him with one of our daughters and he was not there but we were greeted by a woman who admitted to being a prostitute and was staying with him for a few days. She also admitted to alot having alot sexual encounters with my husband but it was strictly business. We also found a glass pipe and drugs on the premises. My husband has never been one to take these sort of drugs so I was shocked that this kind of activity was going on. I asked him about this and denied any wrong doing here also and said he was just helping her out with a place to stay. I feel confused because he constantly abuses me via text message but when face to face couldnt be a nicer person to me. He helps me out with the house and financially when he doesnt have any obligation to do so. For example, 3 weeks ago purchased a brand new laenmower for me and called in on the weekend with a beautiful 6 burner BBQ for us to use here at home. Between those times though received many hurtful messages via text saying he wants to watch me suffer and struggle? I just dont understand if its a cry for help or if he has some kind of mental issues. We shared 21 years together and 4 beautiful kids, I dont feel like I can turn my back on him even though the he has said we are completely over. Am I just holding on to something that should have been forgotten the day I confronted him about cheating and he left?? Help!!!

Bill66 I'm married to an alcoholic.
  • replies: 1

My wife drinks most nights. That's not the problem, to be honest. Sure, the fact that she blacks out on the couch 6 nights out of 7, and I go to bed alone is a hinderance to our intimacy. It has been like this for many years. She says I've driven her... View more

My wife drinks most nights. That's not the problem, to be honest. Sure, the fact that she blacks out on the couch 6 nights out of 7, and I go to bed alone is a hinderance to our intimacy. It has been like this for many years. She says I've driven her to drink, to escape her depression of a couple of failed businesses that have left us in a massive financial hole. The problem is that today, after suspecting it for many months, I realised she has been drinking in the morning - before driving our teenage sons to school. When I called her out on it, she claimed it was "only a couple of beers" and that she was "ok to drive". We've had many fights over the years, and most of them are fuelled by booze. This has been going on much longer than our financial dramas. I'm really at my wits end. We've discussed the drinking many times, and sometimes she even admits it IS a problem... but mostly it comes back to her having to deal with the stress of being the bread-winner, married to a loser, etc etc. I've never cheated on her. I've done my best to be a model dad for my kids, and apart from the past 3 years, I've supported our family. There are a lot of other anger issues - she lost her parents when she was young, has gone through breast cancer, and this gets used as an excuse as well. It's hard for me not to become depressed and sullen when her verbal attacks on me get really heated. On the flip side, when she is sober she is a fantastic mother, and a wonderful person to be with. None of her friends know this side of her, and she would be horrified if they knew. Do I urge her to come to couple counselling with me ? Do I make this all public and hope the shock of the truth gets her to take some action ? Do I leave ?

Belleblue How can I help my father?
  • replies: 3

I am at my wits' end. My father who I love dearly has battled with various undiagnosed mental health issues over the years including what I think may be depression. He has cut himself off from his children (my two half siblings) and now me. I have tr... View more

I am at my wits' end. My father who I love dearly has battled with various undiagnosed mental health issues over the years including what I think may be depression. He has cut himself off from his children (my two half siblings) and now me. I have tried getting help for him over the years or suggested he seek counselling but I have been rebuffed every time. My brother and sister don't want anything much to do with him anymore for various reasons. I live interstate from him so it is hard to keep tabs on how he's doing. He is alone, next to no friends, divorced from my mum, cut off from his other two kids, has never met his grandchildren, and now his ex girlfriend got in contact with my brother telling him that our dad had a breakdown on the weekend. This isn't a new occurrence. I love my dad but no longer speak with him as every time we do we argue and he criticises my lifestyle and life choices. I really would love to help him so he can get his life back on track again. He keeps pushing his kids away and it is really hard now to cope with this estrangement as he was a pretty devoted dad when I was young up until a few years ago. I don't believe he is suicidal but he has moments of profound depression and something kind of like paranoia (he makes random accusations about people and everyone and everything being against him). He is also a very domineering and demanding person - very set in his views, very controlling and everything needs to be done his way. Every partner he has had since mum has left because of this . In a way I think this has alienated him a lot from everyone around him and he has never been able to hold down a job. Basically he is very isolated and alone. The only hope I see in him is that he has occasional moments of lucidity, happiness and he is a creative person who gains enjoyment from music, art, etc. In essence - he can keep busy and is capable of looking after himself physically. It pains me to see a grown man so alone and cut off from his only family and in the grip of mental health issues and would love to hear any thoughts.

Tonyboi Please help
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone I've recently discovered I've been someone who has hopped from relationship to relationship,trying to find my happiness in other partners lives. two and a half years ago I fell in love with a truly beautiful caring woman (inside and out) ... View more

Hi everyone I've recently discovered I've been someone who has hopped from relationship to relationship,trying to find my happiness in other partners lives. two and a half years ago I fell in love with a truly beautiful caring woman (inside and out) who is supportive of me and my mental state. i have always questioned my life's purpose and if I have one and I would usually express my anxious feelings to her to which she was very receptive and helpful . She would always tell me to see a professional or consider meditation ect , although I never took these ideas seriously ., this coupled with my recently speculated depression( over the phone counsellor) has caused significant strain on our relationship. it started 3 months ago with me asking myself if I truly loved this woman , then I began to think I felt slightly un attracted to her despite obvious physical signs I was. Eventually I realised I could no longer hold her and feel at peace without having negative thoughts racing through my head. I would often think that I should leave her because I felt these feelings of "things shouldn't feel this way" . I truly love this woman and we have decided to take a 3 week break to both see professionals and become better people . I have considered that I may not be "into her" but this problem has come up before in previous relationships. I also find myself not being able to feel content with anything in my life even visiting my younger 12 yr old brother has become a chore ( it never used to be) , I cannot feel at ease and I DONT want to lose my girlfriend. I don't see how I can feel this way about someone that has always Brought positivity to my life! Can depression do this? , can it make me second guess the things I was so sure of once? , leaving the woman I love?. I have spent so much time making other people happy in relationships that I believe i may have lost myself . I'll get out of work at the end of the day and have no urge to do anything!, I feel lost .I want to work through this and need help. I have an appointment on Friday

NashiPear My sympathy has run out: is that fair?
  • replies: 2

Hi there, my partner and I have been together almost 10 years, with one child. My question to this forum is: am I being too unsympathetic towards my partner? He is frequently gloomy, irritated or both, and was diagnosed with depression many years ago... View more

Hi there, my partner and I have been together almost 10 years, with one child. My question to this forum is: am I being too unsympathetic towards my partner? He is frequently gloomy, irritated or both, and was diagnosed with depression many years ago but has never really treated it. I'm also on a low dose antidepressant. I showed him so much patient understanding and empathy from the moment we got together, with one life problem after another after another, many of them self-made. He has hardly ever taken action about these problems, just turned them over and over in his mind and in endless discussion with me for months on end. He certainly has dealt with some huge and very real problems in that time, but so have I (hence my own antidepressants), and frankly so does everyone! After 10 years of me constantly giving sympathy, but him never changing any of the things that upset him, and also not treating his depression, I've got to the point where I'm sick of watching my life get frittered away by being tied to his endless melancholy and inaction. Tonight he was very angry with me for not picking up the hints that he has low self esteem about his new job. I was frank and admitted to him that I haven't been showing him as much empathy lately as I could because I've run out of sympathy. Am I justified, and does there come a point where its ok to have run out of sympathy? Or am I being too hard towards a fragile person? This is a genuine question!

Lilac1 Should I put myself first or my boyfriend?
  • replies: 6

Where do I start? We have been together 2 years a I do love him, but the 2nd year has been difficult. It started when my nan got sick, she meant a lot to me and it was very sudden. She was in hospital for months, in very serious conditions. It took a... View more

Where do I start? We have been together 2 years a I do love him, but the 2nd year has been difficult. It started when my nan got sick, she meant a lot to me and it was very sudden. She was in hospital for months, in very serious conditions. It took a toll on me and I felt a total disconnect from him because I felt he didn’t understand, I always pretended I was okay because I he just didn’t show that he was interested so I didn’t feel comfortable expressing my deep feelings. She passed away and it was so shocking and very sad for my family, but even when I told him and he came over he didn’t offer and sympathy to my family and didn’t really ask how I was so again I just pretended because he just didn’t seem to understand and I wasn’t in the right mind to explain things. Even the funeral I felt so disrespected, he didn’t seem to want to be there, he yawned multiple times during family speeches in the ceremony. I just felt totally embarrassed and extremely sad. He hugged me but once I stopped crying he just wanted to go home and play games. Its just a lot of similar things for Christmas and my birthday, I wanted to spend a lot of time with my family but whenever I got up to help out or just do something, he asked why, and wanted me to just be with him the whole time. He knows my family and I felt he didn’t want to be there. My anxiety got really bad and I started having depression. I just kept pretending I was okay for him because I just wanted him happy but I couldn’t pretend anymore so I just stopped going out, and focused on myself. I felt so bad about myself, I felt like a let down and just not good enough. I stopped going out with him and friends, I stopped seeing as much, I stopped being intimate. I just couldn’t with how I’m feeling and he just didn’t understand. No matter how much I tried to explain. He thinks I don’t care, and it just feels horrible because I want to make him happy but I want to focus on my happiness too. Being intimate has been such a big thing, he pushes and pushes and it’s pushing me away, I don’t feel good about myself. No matter how much I try to explain to him it always feels like my fault. Even my mum gets upset because she says I’m being mean to him. I’m just so upset and I feel horrible but I can’t ignore how I feel and I can’t pretend. I don’t know how to make him understand, he says he feels rejected because I’ve not wanted to do as much as I used to. Ive told him it’s because I’m struggling. What do I do? Thank you

Beckyboobooau Totally lost and depressed and want to hide/run away
  • replies: 3

I'm totally lost I don't know where to start. I am engaged to an amazing man and gave 4 step children (2 special needs) that I'm mumma to. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 3 years ago. I feel like I'm loosing my mind and loosing my family. I wake every... View more

I'm totally lost I don't know where to start. I am engaged to an amazing man and gave 4 step children (2 special needs) that I'm mumma to. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 3 years ago. I feel like I'm loosing my mind and loosing my family. I wake every morning feeling like I'm failing them all as I don't deliver the happy mummy they used to have. I'm sad and depressed all the time. Life is totally on top if me. I've never felt more alone and lonely. I honestly want to run away from the world and disappear. This prob makes no sense to anyone