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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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jessemjim He wont divorce is ex. Am I stupid for being bothered by this?
  • replies: 4

Hi Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 56 and I am 48. I have been divorced for 3 years and have a friendly relationship with my ex for the sake of our 3 adult children. My partner has been separated from his partner for 10 years although t... View more

Hi Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 56 and I am 48. I have been divorced for 3 years and have a friendly relationship with my ex for the sake of our 3 adult children. My partner has been separated from his partner for 10 years although they were still living and sleeping in the same bed as friends - no sex up until I started seeing him at which time she moved out. the have a long history spanning 30 something years. I have never really understood his relationship with his ex. My boyfriend had a successful business and a His wife was cheating on him and had a gambling problem and basically gambled away all the equity in the home loan and he ended up with nothing. He left her when he found out she was cheating. They sold their home and that's when he found out there was no money to split between them. After a year or so he ended up living with her again apparently for the sake of their 2 teenage boys and as I said didn't leave until we started seeing each other. I have never been able to understand why he would stay friends with the woman who cheated on him and gambled away everything he owned???? We do not live together but see each other everyday. Recently he has finally agreed to take the next step and move in together but no matter what I say he refuses to divorce her. A part of me believes hes only agreed to move in with me because he knows I want more from him and he is afraid I will end it if he doesnt. I think he would be quite happy leaving things the way they are. He knows I feel as though he should get a divorce to show his commitment to me and close the door on that chapter of his life. He know it really really bothers me and that I don't understand why he wont divorce her and yet he doesn't seem to care. He says its only a piece of paper and hes not going to pay for it. He does have the money to pay for it if he wanted to by the way. Also the car she drives is in his name he organised that during OUR relationship because she is bankrupt and cant get a loan or insurance. Am I crazy to be even bothering with this guy or am I just being jealous and unreasonable. Why the hell would he go out of his way to help this woman and why the hell wont he divorce her??????

Zizzy Feeling like an emotional dumping ground
  • replies: 3

I have somehow become a go to person for people to dump their personal problems and i'm not sure how to deal with it. I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since my teens. Most people don't realise because outwardly I am a high achi... View more

I have somehow become a go to person for people to dump their personal problems and i'm not sure how to deal with it. I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since my teens. Most people don't realise because outwardly I am a high achiever and I try to be kind and empathetic. I lost a close friend to suicide a few years ago and since then I have really struggled to put boundaries in place with other people because I am conscious that I may be the one person they have to talk to. I have several close friends with anxiety or depression and I'm happy to support them, our friendships are balanced, they have a history of supporting me, and we have fun together. But in the past year there are a few people who have gravitated toward me seemingly as a dumping ground for their problems. They are people from work who always want to catch up for a coffee or lunch and then spend 45 minutes telling me how down they are etc. While I am happy to support friends through rough patches, these are people that I don't have established relationships with and I always walk away feeling drained. I feel like i've been giving so much time and energy to them that I have spiraled back into depression myself as a result. On top of that I have been going through some tough times with my family and when I reached out to one of these people for support she told me that she couldn't be there for me as she needed to look after herself. So after dumping on me nearly daily for months on end she can't be there for me when I need it. Looking over our "friendship" I can't point to a single time when I have felt valued or supported for who I am (other than as a shoulder to cry on). I also recently had someone that I barely know sit down next to me at lunch and spend a solid hour telling me about her depression. I walked away from that conversation feeling really down myself. As far as I know I didn't do anything to invite that topic of conversation and I really wasn't comfortable with it. I don't know how to get myself out of these situations without seeming like i'm mean or selfish, but I know that I need to otherwise i'm going to burn out. Any advice?

Dannyl Me and my girlfriend are both toxic for eachother but so in love
  • replies: 7

Hi all this is my first time posting, So basically the way me and my girlfriend met was through our problems with bipolar/depression, and so our relationship is very depressing sometimes. Now we both have been together for 11 months and my anxiety an... View more

Hi all this is my first time posting, So basically the way me and my girlfriend met was through our problems with bipolar/depression, and so our relationship is very depressing sometimes. Now we both have been together for 11 months and my anxiety and depression have gotten worse, when we met we both had friends groups that didn't like us so we both dropped our friend groups and spent all our time together. We are so in love and still are but my life has reached a point where my depression is so bad that i stay inside and the only time i leave to go somewhere is school that's if i actually attend which i don't some times due to my anxiety. I want my life back of track but she is holding me down and making me more depressed than i ever thought id be, I'm so in love with her and I don't wanna leave her but i generally think its the right thing. So basically my problem is, I'm very in love with this girl and I don't think i can leave her, but my life will more than likely turn out bad if i stay with her. So if anyone has any advice if i should leave her or not, and if i should leave her what is the correct way of going about this because if i do breakup with her she will have no friends or anyone to talk to and someone with depression as severe as her I'm also worried about the right way to handle this, but my main problem is actually getting myself to leave because i love her so much thanks

LittleCherubs I dont know how to take this
  • replies: 14

We were at my family yesterday for a birthday. My husband had one of my nephews' Nerf guns and was shooting me with it. I asked him numerous times to stop but he didnt. I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but just didnt listen. I dont know ... View more

We were at my family yesterday for a birthday. My husband had one of my nephews' Nerf guns and was shooting me with it. I asked him numerous times to stop but he didnt. I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but just didnt listen. I dont know if he is being childish or something else He has also set up a game now that when we play cards, the winner gets 15 mins of time to spend on favours and his are always sexual and I just dont have the interest. I feel too afraid to say no to him as im afraid to make him angry. I only agreed to do this so he wouldnt get angry and we wouldnt fight about the loss of sexual intimacy in our relationship (because of me). I dont know if I should be seeking advice from a service like 1800 RESPECT or to just play along so i dont rock the boat......

porcelain Hope always leads to depair, lonely life loving a depressed person
  • replies: 1

My partner first told me he had constant feelings of depression, after a couple of years together. He said he doesn't know why it always is there. Even though the events in his life should equal to happiness. eg family, wife, job. Immediately for som... View more

My partner first told me he had constant feelings of depression, after a couple of years together. He said he doesn't know why it always is there. Even though the events in his life should equal to happiness. eg family, wife, job. Immediately for some reason I felt guilty as if there was something wrong with me for not being able to provide "happiness". Nine years on, through so many ups and downs, behaviour that flat out breaks my spirit and leaves me feeling empty and alone. Moodiness and irritability coming from absolute nowhere. Reactions from same situations differing from week to week. Most painfully is he is mostly never there or aware in my extreme times of need. I continually get let down. I am the foolish one, continually here, believing somewhere he of course loves me. This has led to me having an anxiety disorder, and I am fearing I may head down the depression road also. I continually have 'negative phrases' my partner has said circulating my head . My partner feels no remorse for any hurt he may have caused. He says he does things because of me and I should be saying sorry. While I understand, I do say and do the wrong things sometimes, but I take responsibility for my actions and apologise. I tried to explain why I am feeling down and I was met with no support. He basically told me to snap out of it and i'm not the only one. He says I should be looking at all the things he considers frustrating and correcting them, and once I show my care for him, he will care for me. I continually accept that this is depression talking. However he has been on antidepressants for a time now (4 years), and while the downs aren't as frequent, I am still left to conclude that it is me causing the residual problems in his life? I yearn for my partner to see me. I feel very invisible sometimes.

Riva Adults who grew up in unhappy families
  • replies: 6

Hi, Hi, I have a question about how adults who have grown up in unhappy families can have a balanced life. After a lot of reflection and reading I think a lot of my anxieties, depression and feelings of inadequacy and not belonging stem from having g... View more

Hi, Hi, I have a question about how adults who have grown up in unhappy families can have a balanced life. After a lot of reflection and reading I think a lot of my anxieties, depression and feelings of inadequacy and not belonging stem from having grown up in a dysfunctional family. My parents were loving and caring but had gone through traumatic childhoods themselves and didn’t know how to do better. Overall, there was a joyless, hypercritical and lonely atmosphere. Movies often show how people who had terrible childhoods went on to have a lovely family life years later but I always wonder how likely that is. I myself have always struggled with personal relationships and now wonder if it’s just impossible for me to have a happy family life and should just accept that. I think the main ways in which I’m ‘messed up’ are the following: Unsure about what is normal to be angry or upset about, leading, to being unsure about how to deal with situations and when to move away from someone or to try to work things out. Ambivalence ++: need for love and affection but difficulty engaging in loving relationships. Having used sex in the past as a way of getting that love. I didn’t know how to make friends but knew how to get romantically involved with someone. Is this a sex addiction? Self-harm? I have a fear of losing my children once they’re old enough to realise how I am. Would they be better off if I divorced their father and let him raise them (so being involved in their upbringing from a distance.)? I guess I’d like to know from people who have experienced something similar or from a professional who’s dealt with this kind of situation. I should say I also take antidepressants. Thanks to all.

Falstad Girlfriend depressed and she left me. Help me understand her thought process!
  • replies: 2

Hey guys, Long story short and god it's a long and complicated one. My girlfriend (ex now) has had a mental breakdown and has been diagnosed with depression caused by Situational Crisis, can someone explain this better to me? I have an understanding ... View more

Hey guys, Long story short and god it's a long and complicated one. My girlfriend (ex now) has had a mental breakdown and has been diagnosed with depression caused by Situational Crisis, can someone explain this better to me? I have an understanding but what does it mean? When me and my girlfriend first met we were both going through separations and property settlement. Now we looked at houses put in offers ETC we planned to build a life together. Anyway I upheld my end of the deal and now she refuses to sell and her ex has moved back in with her and he was like "It's my house I'll do what I want". Now my girlfriend comes from a very abusive and controlling relationship from her ex and once this all happened about 3 months back she's just broken. Now her solution to EVERYTHING is to only break up with me and not be in a relationship with me but NOTHING else has changed. How does she honestly think this will fix her problems when she's still living with them day in day out? I'm trying so hard to understand it from her point of view but I just can't. I'm seeing a psych myself to try and help me understand. Now the fun parts. One day she is messaging me non-stop taking screenshots of our video calls and editing it with a face saying "I wish I was laying on your chest". She tells me she loves me and wants me but when she's with me it just confuses her. She is madly and deeply in love with me and I honestly believe that but how can you love someone that much and not want to be with them? I have offered her SO much support and tried to be there but I feel like I have dug the hole deeper by doing that but I don't know any other way. She said to me if I had been doing what I'm doing now 6 months ago she would of been on social media bragging about how I'm this perfect guy best boyfriend ETC. But to her at the moment she think's I'm out to get her. I have loss my cool at her a few times because of her ex and I can see what he's really up to (and so can EVERYONE else around her) he keep's asking about me keeps telling her not to talk to me his behaviour is escalating and it's only a matter of time before he bashes the life out of her again. I have officially given up today I told her that and I'm at a loss what to do and how to deal with it. There is so much more to our story EG we tried for a baby fell pregnant and her ex caused her to miscarry... which would put a bigger spin on things but I'll leave it at that for now. I love her so much.

QueenElizabeth42 Partner Has Pushed Me Away and I Don't Know What to Do
  • replies: 4

My ex and I were together for a year before breaking up. Throughout this time, though he loved me would push me away with these comments usually during an argument. Once for example he said “well we are not that serious”. Never mind that he just drop... View more

My ex and I were together for a year before breaking up. Throughout this time, though he loved me would push me away with these comments usually during an argument. Once for example he said “well we are not that serious”. Never mind that he just dropped $1500 on my birthday and met each other’s families and he told me I was the One. I knew on some level it was insecurity speaking (he has had depression, doesn’t talk to his mom, doesn’t feel adequate, feels like he’s not good enough) but I would in the moment get upset and we would argue. When I mentioned going to therapy, he said “what if it doesn’t work? Are you still going to be there for the long haul?” I assured him I was. Post-breakup, he cried and told me he was just a loner and had to be alone. He told me he would love me forever, that he hates that he is such a loser, that he can’t stop crying, that he hates himself for hurting me, etc. We talked a few weeks later and he mentioned that he felt like I could easily get rid of him for another man. I felt terrible and tried to reassure him that wasn’t the case, but he just stood his ground and said he’s a loner. But he also said he still loved me. We both still care for each other and I would like to somehow make this work. I know I can’t change him but how do I get past his wall? How can I be there for someone who wants to keep me arms length? I feel like if I love him enough and show him I won’t go anywhere he will let me in, but I don’t know if that’s just a fantasy. We are still on speaking terms. Any thoughts?

R_R_R Partner vs. Parents - I can't handle it anymore
  • replies: 3

Hi all, Newbie here I am having relationship issues. My partner and I have been togeyher for about 2 and a half years. My parents do not like him, and he does not like my parents. This has been the cause of mant fights between my parents and I, as we... View more

Hi all, Newbie here I am having relationship issues. My partner and I have been togeyher for about 2 and a half years. My parents do not like him, and he does not like my parents. This has been the cause of mant fights between my parents and I, as well as my partner and I. He blames everything wrong with our relationship on this issue. My father has become very distant from me since this all began. I live in a different town to my parents and my partner, so when both parties are angry with me it makes me feel very alone and isolated. I have tried reasoning with everyone and attempted to have them see my position in this, but they refuse to reconsider their feelings. I don't want to have to choose between them, but it feels like this situation is impacting my own health in an unsustainable way. I love them all dearly. I would just appreciate some advice from a neutral third party, because I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.

Sgmg I pushed my wife
  • replies: 2

I was tending to my 2 1/2 yr old girl that was crying, my wife came in and we said something to each other as she took my daughter away from me crying ( I honestly can't remember) I have been feeling overwhelmed for the last few weeks...I don't know ... View more

I was tending to my 2 1/2 yr old girl that was crying, my wife came in and we said something to each other as she took my daughter away from me crying ( I honestly can't remember) I have been feeling overwhelmed for the last few weeks...I don't know why I pushed her away but it turned out to be more of a open blow to the back of the shoulder...I scarred of myself at that moment with the anger that is creaping in, how can I do this to the woman I truely love...how can I ever expect her to move past it, it scares me