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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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manoody92 More marriage issues.
  • replies: 11

Well here I am again. Its quite a personal topic this time. I have been mentally unwell the past few months and have been trialling different medications to see what helps. It’s been quite a difficult time. My husband has been supportive of this, eve... View more

Well here I am again. Its quite a personal topic this time. I have been mentally unwell the past few months and have been trialling different medications to see what helps. It’s been quite a difficult time. My husband has been supportive of this, even though he does get frustrated with me quite easily. Things haven’t been great and I’m finding it more and more difficult to connect with him. Tonight I decided to be intimate with my husband. I was trying to enjoy it, but I just couldn’t. I came to the realisation that I just wasn’t finding it appealing or my husband attractive. I cried immediately after wondering what’s wrong with me. I’m taking this as the last sign that my marriage might be over, or I at least need a separation to sort myself out. The only thing making me stay is our daughter. I feel so lost. I see my counsellor Monday, but I just wondered what your opinions are?

Livedivine Can anyone identity these behaviours
  • replies: 8

Hi I just I suppose wanted some advice on what these behaviours are. I've learned to just accept them and I suppose the wanting to have them named is a way of making sense of things for ourselves. But they baffle me in some ways. If I had a bit more ... View more

Hi I just I suppose wanted some advice on what these behaviours are. I've learned to just accept them and I suppose the wanting to have them named is a way of making sense of things for ourselves. But they baffle me in some ways. If I had a bit more understanding about them I might be able to be more understanding. NOTE: My husband does have PTSD, not the debilitating part of it which he endured 2006 but the residual part of it as stated by Psychs last year when our marriage came crashing down. His moods have been steadily been getting worse again, I feel over last 6 months. But he claims he doesn't know about them, or aware of them. Scenario - My husband gets into a car with his daughter and her friend, his daughter is driving. Because my husband is diabetic and I was aware of how little he'd eaten I grabbed a trail mix and walked outside to give to him. So I stand at the door expecting him to wind down the window, he doesn't. I wait a few seconds then open the door myself and say "normally when someone is standing at the door it means they want to talk to you". (yes I was a bit annoyed). His response is "ohhh, but I couldn't give into you". Scenario - My husband will say something of general interest and if I indicate that I already knew he'll say "you didn't know that, I just told you" or "don't 'yeah' like you already knew, you didn't know". This happens quite often. Scenario - Random times, when he's more sullen, he just gives me a look of disdain. Scenario - A few crumbs (literally) are on kitchen bench. He says "you girls are so disgusting". Meaning daughter and myself Scenario - He is now retired and I work part-time. So I'm cleaning up after dinner he'll say "no you don't do that, you're the one working now I do the dishes". This is him in his more up mood. Since he's been down a little, he hasn't done the dishes in weeks. Scenario - Im sick , it took him 4 days before he was free enough to say "how are you today babe". He is not an empathetic person or very compassionate but tends to show things with money. He shows his kindness this way. Such as when I was sick, day 3 he said "you should stay home from work tomorrow". That's his way I suppose of saying I care. What I've found extremely challenging is the difference or changes in opinions and values depending on which person I get. His response to one thing will be one way, but if he's in his down mood, his opinion will be different. ????

LeeA18 A tad confused
  • replies: 50

My boyfriends depression/anxiety returned about 2 months ago. He stepped back from our relationship. I have been keeping in contact with him every few days as I haven’t wanted to bombard him when he is going through this but I also wanted him to know... View more

My boyfriends depression/anxiety returned about 2 months ago. He stepped back from our relationship. I have been keeping in contact with him every few days as I haven’t wanted to bombard him when he is going through this but I also wanted him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. He slowly opened up to me about a few things. Over the last week he has shown signs of being his old self. I am quite confused as to whether he wants to move forward again or if he still needs space to sort himself out. Without sounding like I am presurring him, but for my own sanity, how should I approach him about it or should I just see how it plays out over the next few weeks?

snakes_on_a_plane My dad called me just now [trigger warning: sexual abuse]
  • replies: 1

We have a long history of abuse within the family. I cut all of my family out of my life several years ago. My mother, in particular, has been cruel to me my entire life. My brother was allowed to beat me every single day and has molested and even ra... View more

We have a long history of abuse within the family. I cut all of my family out of my life several years ago. My mother, in particular, has been cruel to me my entire life. My brother was allowed to beat me every single day and has molested and even raped my sisters. I have these images of being molested as a child, I don't remember anything but just these images. My mum and dad allowed this stuff to happen and even blamed me. Well I was really angry at my dad last week after my cousin emailed me from abroad and told me that she and her sisters were getting really odd emails from my brother and that they're concerned that he's an alcoholic. My dad blocked me from facebook over it and I emailed him blasting him and my mum for being abusive of him and denying time and time again that he's an alcoholic. They insist there is nothing wrong, that he doesn't have an addiction even though my brother lived with me for 6 months and was drinking from sun-up until sun-down the entire time and was drunk 24/7. Well I also have panic attacks, I had one just this morning, having been woken up by the panic attack I was having in my sleep due to a nightmare. The panic attacks I have are all from my family. I visited my sister last year for a week - in that week she was already calling me a fat and lazy. She was screaming and yelling at me, demeaning and dehumanising me and my kids. We had to flee her house without any money or place to go, needing to fly home from Brisbane to Melbourne. It was a nightmare. This is what my family are like though - all of them. For some reason they're fine with each other but as soon as I'm around they just torture me. They treat me like Im less than nothing.

Livedivine Drained from the spouse's moods
  • replies: 9

Hi all, I've just joined this site. I decided to just post something as I do feel I would benefit from hearing from others. After my loveless marriage of 19 yrs ended I was single for abou 4 yrs then reconnected with an old friend. We got together, d... View more

Hi all, I've just joined this site. I decided to just post something as I do feel I would benefit from hearing from others. After my loveless marriage of 19 yrs ended I was single for abou 4 yrs then reconnected with an old friend. We got together, dated for about a year and a half and now married for 3.5 yrs. He was my Mr Wonderful. A month into marriage I was completely caught unawares. I saw another side, a dark side, a mean side. Our vows, principles that we had agreed on before in regards to relationships all went out the door. I knew he had had PTSD but the following 2 yrs took its toll. I won't go into all that. He really had an epiphany of his own last year after he asked me to leave that maybe his thinking wasn't correct. He contacted a psych and psych confirmed he still had PTSD plus his heavy alcohol consumption were not a good mix. Anyways about a year ago he threw the alcohol away and started to seek counselling, again. ( had seen 2 psychs previous in the first 2 yrs) plus we started seeing marriage counsellor earlier this year but haven't been in a while. I noticed more recently he has returned to a more consistent place of being in bad moods. If I ask him how he is or if he is in one, he gets defensive. the first couple of years were really difficult with his emotional/verbal abuse (stonewalling and passive/aggresive behaviour) but I forgave him and we moved on. But I'm tired of bearing the brunt of his moods. He's not as bad cause he's not drinking but the angst is still there. If I just try to move towards him, I get coldness and he speaks rudely to me. We haven't quarelled or anything I just get the bad end of the stick and it's happening more regularly. The other week he called my daughter a name and I told him to not speak about my daughter like that, his response was to call her something worse. He has acknowledged pain/resentment that he has, unfortunately, we wear it. You can't talk to him when he's in it, there is no point and when he's out of it and in a good place, I don't want to bring it up cause he's like "what are you talking about" as if it never happened. His values change when he's in a mood. I'm a spiritual person who thinks on and reads spiritual type stuff, I seek kindness, compassion, goodness. It's taxing on my self cause he's just a bundle of negative energy. I've tried to show kindness and I don't react but I don't want to be looked at with disdain for no reason and spoken to rudely.

SecretIdentity No one to talk to
  • replies: 2

This is difficult for me, I’ve never had anyone to talk to... my husband says he can’t deal with me when I’m like this and I’ve never spoken to anyone about my troubles, I’ve always dealt with them myself. I try to be positive, but after several toug... View more

This is difficult for me, I’ve never had anyone to talk to... my husband says he can’t deal with me when I’m like this and I’ve never spoken to anyone about my troubles, I’ve always dealt with them myself. I try to be positive, but after several tough years I’m really struggling. My second child was born a number of years ago and about a week later I found out that my husband had been talking to other women online and had met one of them. We talked about it after I found out and I decided to stay although he said he would understand if I wanted him to leave. I am trying so hard to make everything work but can no longer broach the subject as I’m told that effectively I should be over it, or if I can’t he should just leave. A year after my second child was born, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I will never get better from, but I’ve had to deal with that on my own too and I have to admit I struggle with it as much as I do the issues with my husband. I love my husband and children deeply, but if I have any issues, I have to cope alone. Having two small children is challenging as I’m sure we all know, trying to work and dealing with my illness (which has resulted in quite a big weight gain and I feel very unattractive because of it) has left me feeling isolated, lost and coping with very low self esteem. I guess I just want someone to talk to. I was raised to deal with your own issues and having a husband who can’t cope has left me very isolated (we made a big move several years ago so I have no family here)... what do I do, so lost....

KitEmily Extremely Controlling Mum
  • replies: 2

Ever since I was young my mum has been controlling, it was needed when I was younger. As I’m an only child, I’ve often been spoiled. My mum and dad both come from abusive homes where my dad was hit by his dad, and my mum was hit by both parents and s... View more

Ever since I was young my mum has been controlling, it was needed when I was younger. As I’m an only child, I’ve often been spoiled. My mum and dad both come from abusive homes where my dad was hit by his dad, and my mum was hit by both parents and suffers from PTSD from it. My mum is also very selfish as she never got anything from her parents as she was the eldest and the younger children where preferred. There’s been two events that have caused me to really worry. How do I handle such controlling parents? I’m 20 now, not a teenager and need to be independent but I feel that they are holding me back. My mum won’t let me drive my car even though I’ve passed my full license, she’s scared I’ll be killed or get into an accident. I spring cleaned my wardrobe, and my mum went mental. She went into my wardrobe and started screaming at me as saying “I’m selfish and all I do is take.” She believes I’m wasting her money, when in reality the clothes don’t fit and I’ll be giving them away to charities. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, I didn’t tell her that I was cleaning my wardrobe as I know she would get so angry about it. I don’t like how she just goes into my room, through my belongings. If I do anything my mum doesn’t like, it’s because “I’m selfish and spoiled” and always “take”. She’s becoming to much now, she only just stopped telling me what colour to dye my hair.

Lilyem I struggle to make friends and get people to like me. I find it hard to trust.
  • replies: 1

I'm 30 and for as long as I can remember I have always struggled to make and keep friends. In high school there was a group of 20 of us, but I was the butt of all jokes, trusted no one and was made to feel small. So much that at my 10 yr reunion i ha... View more

I'm 30 and for as long as I can remember I have always struggled to make and keep friends. In high school there was a group of 20 of us, but I was the butt of all jokes, trusted no one and was made to feel small. So much that at my 10 yr reunion i had 3 of the 20 apologise for the way they treated me. The people i'm 'friends' with now I stumbled across at a pub crawl 10 yrs ago (I had gone to school with them) and even now I feel I still don't fit. Or when I think i've bonded with someone, I get 'dumped' for someone else. In all my jobs i've had, I either had a supervisory role or worked with people twice my age. I have no interests or hobbies. I recently had my first child and thought mum's group would be a fresh start, I am the youngest and they all already have mum friends outside of the group. But for some reason, we didn't get invited to one kid's party. I can't for the life of me figure out what I did to this mum that caused her to invite everyone else but us. It broke my heart and sent me into a downward spiral, because up until now my issues around this only affected me, but now it is also affecting my child. I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. I put myself out there and get shut down. I have no close friends, I trust no one except my husband. I can't figure out where I am going wrong or how to fix myself. I know I have some walls up in some aspects of my life, but try to put them down. I want to get out more with my child, but I work 4 days a week and struggle to find time to get out on that one week day off.

Logo Damaging relationship with my mother
  • replies: 10

Hello 1st time poster - so don’t really know what to write or how to explain. So I have a pretty toxic relationship with my mother and have asked to cut ties with her. I dare say she is mentally unwell - but have had to cut ties for my own mental hea... View more

Hello 1st time poster - so don’t really know what to write or how to explain. So I have a pretty toxic relationship with my mother and have asked to cut ties with her. I dare say she is mentally unwell - but have had to cut ties for my own mental health. She doesn’t have my phone number and her emails go straight to trash. But the phone buzzes even if don’t see her email. Well she has found my address and posted a card. I didn’t want to open it but curiosity. It’s like she has 2 personalities, can write kind things but also flip to the opposite. She loves playing victim and will do her best to make me feel horrible. So this card when arrived a few weeks ago - I just left it. But built up and sorta had a bit of a mini breakdown - few other anxious things at the moment going on and this just topped it. I called my father who gave me update on health of family members (not good news - even not close to them, am still human) and asked for him to speak to my mother to stop and to leave me alone and will get a restraining order on her - he said go for it. Usual no support from him. I woke up the next morning just wanting to find a stop button and press it. I stupidly sent an email to my mother pleading with her to stop and leave me alone and to get on with her life and there is no chance of reconciliation. Spoke to dad in the morning in tears to please tell her to leave me alone and spoke to a few friends that morning which was helpful. Dad said he would speak to her on the weekend but whether he does or doesn’t, I don’t know. But I am feeling so nervous - she makes me so anxious and I am scared of her. I don’t want to see her, speak to her. This is a very condensed story of everything and re-reading doesn’t make a lot of sense. I apologise but I just need to vent I guess and want to stop feeling like a nervous wreck. Past 2 years have been really good and I have found myself and started to accept myself. Feels like now I am at home again living with her like a scared child.

lilykitten Curious how "normal" families behave
  • replies: 9

SURVEY TIME: How much do you love your family? 1. Your inlaws are visiting you from overseas, they have no spending money and no hire car. How long would it be reasonable amount of time for them to stay with you? 2. Would it be insulting to offer to ... View more

SURVEY TIME: How much do you love your family? 1. Your inlaws are visiting you from overseas, they have no spending money and no hire car. How long would it be reasonable amount of time for them to stay with you? 2. Would it be insulting to offer to put them up at a nearby motel? 3. A family member is visiting and damages your car. Should he fix the damage. 4. You are visiting your inlaws overseas with your husband and two kids under three. Your inlaws only have a one bedroom house with a small living room and there is a camping park and a motel close by. Where should you stay? 5. A 50 year old son has split up with his girlfriend and has moved into the garage of his pensioner parents. How long should they let him stay? 6. Your daughter inlaw has been taking your son for granted for 15 years. She has done little to raise the two kids, spends most of her time out with friends and leaves your son to pay all the bills and do all the household chores including cooking and cleaning. When she walks out on your son and grandkids do you have to keep being nice to her?