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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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LC29 BF problems.
  • replies: 4

Hey everyone! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we’ve lived together for about 1.5 years. For long and complicated reasons my BF and my family only recently (as in, within the last couple of months) started getting along and spending ti... View more

Hey everyone! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we’ve lived together for about 1.5 years. For long and complicated reasons my BF and my family only recently (as in, within the last couple of months) started getting along and spending time together. Obviously the fact that they finally get along and I can have them all in the one place together without their being any tension is a massive relief for me and I’m really genuinely so happy that there’s no more conflict between them for me to get stuck in the middle of. However things don’t seem to be all sunshine and rainbows. My BF doesn’t really talk to my family. Like, when we get together, unless my family specifically asks him anything, he won’t really generate any conversation on his own (which is the opposite to how he is at home with me). My family even asked me whether he’s just really shy and quiet, or whether it’s something more than that. I did tell them that he’s not that shy or quiet so I don’t know why he doesn’t talk to them or engage in conversation. As bad as this may sound, sometimes I feel like people must think I picked the dud that can’t say two words or string together a sentence on his own. Every time they try and talk to him, he’ll either give the smallest reply or look at me to reply, as if he’s not able to reply on his own. I’ve tried talking to him about the problem... because I do think it’s important and healthy to be able to have open dialogue with your future family/for my family to be able to talk to their future son-in-law, and he always shifts the blame onto someone else. For example, he’ll say they only ask him a few questions and spend most of the time talking to me instead. And I’m like well obviously if they try and initiate a conversation but you’re too busy on your phone or give a dry reply or don’t try and take the conversation further, they’re going to feel like you don’t want to talk to them. I mean I personally wouldn’t keep trying to talk to someone if I felt they weren’t interested in talking to me either. I know people might say maybe I’m biased towards my family, but honestly, they have tried really hard to include him and to make him feel a part of the family and a part of conversations, and I just sometimes (a lot of the time) don’t think he makes the same effort in return. Yet every time I try to talk to him about it, either I’m overreacting or my family is in the wrong or there’s some other excuse. I’m not sure how to handle this anymore.

akansstar Feeling unimportant
  • replies: 6

Hello. New account. I was taken in by my adult sister mid last year after my mother passed away from a terminal illness. I had depression then, and I thought I was getting better but I just feel the same as before now. I have anxiety and OCD as well.... View more

Hello. New account. I was taken in by my adult sister mid last year after my mother passed away from a terminal illness. I had depression then, and I thought I was getting better but I just feel the same as before now. I have anxiety and OCD as well. I share a room with my sister's daughter for now. Recently we found out she was self harming. I found out. I feel terrible and I know it is her child so of course she loves her more than I, but I feel like she will always be on her daughters side over mine. Especially now. I know that I am lucky to have my sister, otherwise I'd be in a foster home. I'm LGBT so it mighn't have gone well for me. I just- feel unimportant. I wash her daughters clothes and fold them for her, I help her with things and all, I do her chores (by the way, not at her mother's request. Her mother treats me fine). But when the daughter does something wrong to me, especially now, I get "Now isn't a good time. I'm not going to push her." After all I asked was that she tell her daughter she needs to clean up a drink she spilt on my bed (I cleaned it up). I want to cry so bad but I can't because the daughter is in the room with me. Tomorrow is my birthday, and all I want is my mother. I don't know what to do.

Seeking_one Feeling lost hurt hollow
  • replies: 3

Hi all new to group 54 here 2 weeks ago was at work got a call from neighbor asking are we moving.said no ok just so your aware there lots of furniture being moved in out house. Rang wife said she was ok.said any noise outsidesay no. So i said come h... View more

Hi all new to group 54 here 2 weeks ago was at work got a call from neighbor asking are we moving.said no ok just so your aware there lots of furniture being moved in out house. Rang wife said she was ok.said any noise outsidesay no. So i said come home ok .i got home nothing left in house car gone camper trailer but a note I love you very much and will always.i need space .be in touch soon love you baby xoxo. So i here thinking what tha .trying make sense of note can contact her so now .i am 54 no parents no brothers sister or any thing i put everything into my wife. I have 2 daughters from many yrs ago they been great. But all freinds have not spoke and few of what i thought was best mates . Nope. So end of day no one to talk to .social just i dont know any more all i know is my wife ...

Sam_K Need advice please should I stay or move out
  • replies: 11

I don’t know what to do. Feeling really depressed. I have been married 7 years and have two kids one is 6 and second one is just 1 year old . We had a lot of arguments all these years. To start with consider me as worst person in the world so doesn’t... View more

I don’t know what to do. Feeling really depressed. I have been married 7 years and have two kids one is 6 and second one is just 1 year old . We had a lot of arguments all these years. To start with consider me as worst person in the world so doesn’t sound like I am only blaming her . My wife have temper and can go off at anytime on anything if she thinks it’s wrong and even if I don’t mean it or something was not done deliberately. In our arguments I have said the worst and she did too . I used to stay quite and didn’t say anything back. But everyone have limit but she is always on the limit. I slap her once which was nearly four years ago because she was pushing and shoving me but I have been hit probably about hundred time before this incident and after . But I never hit her after that. One morning I was woken up by slap because her friend and her decided to send me message on yahoo messanger and she thought I did not tell her but I did not even know and I was not even using yahoo messanger and it was more than four years ago. I worked away few time and had to go away but I have never cheated on her or even talked to any women the way I am not supposed to. But I m confessing I have watched porn while I was away . When I was away I went out for drink with 60 yo and 40+ . And I did not told her I was going to the pub with them because he had argument before I left and I was slapped but I still called her that night after few drinks but she got angry because I did not tell her and to this day it’s thrown on my face . But she always says I am doing things behind her back . But I am willing to go through lie detector to prove I have not done anything. My wife had a lot of sexual partners before me ans had kids before me and but when we met I told her I don’t want to know anything about it. It’s past. But I heard a lot after that even number of partner she had which is pretty high . But I still did not care and We had second child after that so our first child doesn’t miss out on us and hopefully that will put bit trust in the relationsh

Ihcaug What to do?
  • replies: 1

I have had a fairly challenging 4 years. I experienced the breakdown of a 20 year relationship - 17 and a half years married after my spouse committed adultery for the second time in the marriage and walked out the door. I was left with my young daug... View more

I have had a fairly challenging 4 years. I experienced the breakdown of a 20 year relationship - 17 and a half years married after my spouse committed adultery for the second time in the marriage and walked out the door. I was left with my young daughter full-time and have had her older sister most of the time too. Just under 3 years ago I met a new love and we got married and have had a baby boy and it’s the first child for my new spouse. Throughout our short marriage, my new spouse has been quite negative towards my daughters and showed a lack of compassion when one was sexually assaulted last year. Now my spouse, who is exceptionally close to their parents has decided to leave our marital home with the baby after a minor disagreement - an attempted discussion which was turned into an argument. My son is now at the parents’ home and my spouse won’t return home. I have tried to convince my spouse to come home and believe in keeping a marriage together for many reasons, including my Christian faith. Things are very dark right now. I have good parents and family & my faith. However, does anyone here have any insight or suggestions? I refuse to give up on my life but am heartbroken once again.

Xerathia Really struggling following a breakup 3 months ago
  • replies: 1

My now ex-girlfriend and I dated for 5 months. It was one of those whirlwind kind of romances, we were official within a week and spent 5+ nights a week together, doing most things together. I've had long term relationships before but I can say with ... View more

My now ex-girlfriend and I dated for 5 months. It was one of those whirlwind kind of romances, we were official within a week and spent 5+ nights a week together, doing most things together. I've had long term relationships before but I can say with absolute honesty that I have never fallen for a girl so hard. Everything about her made me feel alive, I've referred to it as the 'soulmate' kind of connection. We just clicked, would spend hours hanging out, doing activities, dates etc and couldn't seem to get enough of one-another. She was dealing with anxiety and I believe elements of depression and I offered my support the whole way through this, however she wasn't able to accept my help. I've since learned that she has a Dismissive/Avoidant attachment style. This means that opening up, becoming vulnerable and sharing her feelings is really difficult for her and often people like this suppress such feelings subconsciously through deactivating strategies. Learning about this has helped me to understand what happened between us. It's brought me some peace knowing that the actual reason for her sudden withdrawal was actually likely because we were getting so close. I know I did nothing wrong in the relationship and was actually told I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had, she loved spending time with me etc. but that she had not developed feelings for me. Anyway, the point of my post is to get some advice with how I can better accept what has occurred and get on with my life. I currently am trapped with constant ruminating (about both the good and bad times) and I know my self-esteem is absolutely shot at the moment. This breakup has lifted a veil on my life and I have realized I need to make some big changes with regards to my living situation, career, friendships, etc. I have put huge energy and effort into this since the breakup and I am starting to have some great victories with this - but I can't seem to find any joy or relief from these victories. I am stuck ruminating constantly. I have been seeing a psychologist for the past two months. But the progress is slow and I am falling back into a rather serious depression. I am journaling, exercising, socializing, starting new hobbies etc but nothing takes my mind off the breakup. It feels like the breakup as a whole is my default mind-mode. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can move past this?

toscanini Grieving discovery of narcissism
  • replies: 5

I'm struggling, because I always knew there was something wrong. Now I know he has no empathy, no love and he is only out to make himself feel good. My love and care seem wasted. It's only been a few weeks since I've realised. I've been duped after 5... View more

I'm struggling, because I always knew there was something wrong. Now I know he has no empathy, no love and he is only out to make himself feel good. My love and care seem wasted. It's only been a few weeks since I've realised. I've been duped after 50 years of fake love.

Gone_away Parentified child of a narcissistic mother
  • replies: 4

I am the product of the parentified child to a narcissistic mother. I'm not sure of the services offered these days, but I was an 80's kid. There was no support and it seems that there is no awareness about this and how much it can screw someone up. ... View more

I am the product of the parentified child to a narcissistic mother. I'm not sure of the services offered these days, but I was an 80's kid. There was no support and it seems that there is no awareness about this and how much it can screw someone up. I lost my brother to suicide 9 months ago and that lost, without a purpose feeling after losing the only person that I have ever loved unconditionally and who loved me more than anyone else has ever loved me, forced me to try to find myself. I had a mentally and physically ill abusive and selfish mother, a father whose role was to work hard and provide money instead of hugs and my schitzoaffective, ice addicted baby brother who was my entire world but who I lacked the power to save. I always knew there was something wrong with me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was perceived as being strong and resilient and helpful. A clinical psychologist once gave me the "resilient" diagnosis which made me decide that she was an over qualified idiot and that no one could ever help me because I was "too strong and resilient" for anyone to understand. I'm 34 now, and it took the loss of my brother plus 9 months to realize that I don't know who I am. All I have ever known is how to accommodate the needs of my mother, my father and my brother. I never even realized that I needed to be a human instead of being the rock that tried to hold everything together for everyone else. I am working with a psychologist now and I have told her that I am a parentified child and I don't know how to feel my feelings like a normal person and I am sure it will require much work and a long time but I know I'll find myself eventually. I'm just frustrated that I never knew that this was a "thing" before. And it upsets me to know that there are and will be other children who will grow into adults knowing something is wrong but never knowing what it is or why.

Lennox Narcissistic victim seeking help
  • replies: 5

Researching NPD about 2 years ago I came across this website and a description of narcissistic victim syndrome. It was a revelation. It described my husbands behavior and the effect it has had on my me and our children as if written about us. I am (o... View more

Researching NPD about 2 years ago I came across this website and a description of narcissistic victim syndrome. It was a revelation. It described my husbands behavior and the effect it has had on my me and our children as if written about us. I am (or was) an intelligent woman, naturally caring and empathetic. I have been married for 20 years to a damaged man who demonstrates all the signs of NPD. He came from a broken home and has no real relationships with his family. He left school at 15 and had been very successful in creating his own business but hides major insecurity. He is obsessed with power, fame, control, success, recognition etc and has no interest at all in anyone else. Our first child was born with major developmental problems and I gave up my legal career to become her full time carer. She died aged 8, 10 years ago. We have 2 other girls now 13 & 15. When she died he was devastated but had spent the last weeks of her life out telling everyone she was dying whereas I was at home alone nursing her. He is very generous financially and we have a very comfortable life but I feel so lonely and am in effect a sole parent. I have told him many time that we are scared of him but he just tells me I'm speaking nonsense. Both children are scared of his anger and rages and feel he has no interest in their lives. The dog won't go near him! He genuinely thinks he is the worlds best dad. We have no real family friends as he has burnt everyone he comes across. His staff are scared of him and he treats them badly. I am constantly walking on eggshells afraid to say the wrong thing and made to feel everything is my fault. He has dramatic rages and says horrible things then is all sweet and acts as if it never happened. It is always his way or the highway. He resents my intelligence and tries to crush me.He has succeeded in making me feel worthless. I was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and had surgery to remove a tumour and have to be monitored regularly. I dealt with this with little complaint and tried to get on with everything within a week. He was genuinely upset about the diagnosis but seems to enjoy telling everyone for the drama and attention he receives, whereas I feel it is a very private thing. My family all live interstate. My father died in January which devastated me. My mother is unwell and no support. I need to find the courage to leave but want to protect the children. I don't know where to start. Any help would be appreciated.

johnxx Marriage breakdown
  • replies: 1

Hi All, I really don’t know when to start, but I guess I join this site tonight hoping someone out there can listen without any judgements. My wife and i was dating for 2 years and now marriage for just over a year, i guess the problem start shortly ... View more

Hi All, I really don’t know when to start, but I guess I join this site tonight hoping someone out there can listen without any judgements. My wife and i was dating for 2 years and now marriage for just over a year, i guess the problem start shortly after we dated. We were so in love at the begining. We were so in love at the beginning, she was everything I was looking for, beautiful smart independent woman with values that I loved. Things was going perfectly, both of us couldn’t believe we have found each other. About 3 month into the relationship we hit our first major hurdle, I lost my job just before Christmas. I was devastated knowing that I wouldn’t be able to find another job until the holidays are over, and at this point I had only about few thousand dollar to my name. But not know when I can find a new job, trying to figure out how I’m going to pay me rent and utilities was least of my worries, more importantly I was worried that i’m going to lose this girl of my dream, I my mind all I can think about is she going to think I’m such a loser cant even afford rent and utilities. I guess in my mind I was the man and I need to provide for the people I care about. So for the next few weeks I just shut down completely and close myself of the her, this made her feel neglected and that I didn’t care about her (the funny is this was the complete opposite to what I was feeling inside, I love and care so much and I was so scared of losing her). After the new year 2016 few and I decided to start our own company, I was really reluctant to ask my (wife now) that I need to borrow money for this new business as we not long into the relationship but to my surprise without any hesitation she gave me ten thousand dollars. 3 years later I now have an extremely successful business and financially we are able to do what we want. But once again I’m in the same position 3 years ago with my wife, i need to spend a lot of time and effort on the business and she once again feel im neglecting her. But this is the complete opposite of what I want for her and our family in the future, to me giving my family the financial freedom is what I feel is important.