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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Nina_M Should I End This Relationship ?
  • replies: 8

We planned to date on 5 Feb. He asked me for the plan. I said we can went to a temple in the afternoon, then have dinner and go to watch movie or just have a chat. He asked so can’t kiss and do other things or I don’t want it anymore. I said we can k... View more

We planned to date on 5 Feb. He asked me for the plan. I said we can went to a temple in the afternoon, then have dinner and go to watch movie or just have a chat. He asked so can’t kiss and do other things or I don’t want it anymore. I said we can kiss when I feel comfortable. He said this is running out to be a very one sided and selfish relationship. I said I would not feel comfortable to kiss a man if I don’t have enough emotional intimacy with him and it needs time to build the emotional connection. I can be open and relax when we chat online. However, when it comes to real life, I still feel there’s a distance between us. He said I have a lot of preconceived ideas about relationships and I am very ill advised. I didn’t know what to say and just kept quiet after he said that to me. Yesterday, he said what had been very clear is that this is all about me and it’s totally unfair, unless I decide to be a bit fair and considerate, he doesn’t think I will succeed in any relationship. I said I will take the time to think about what he said. I think we were not on the same page at the beginning of this relationship. Obviously, he gets ahead of himself and I am the one left behind. I want to build emotional connections first since I am not that into him, but he always ignores my feelings and my health. He said he loves me and told me love is always unconditional. However, I cannot feel he loves me at all. One day when we were chatting on Wechat, I said I smashed my finger in a door. He just replied Oh dear, then he never asked me how bad it was. Another example is, I said I caught cold and felt very bad. He completely ignored what I said and just told me he found me very very sexy. During the period when we only had work relationship, he was very caring and considerate. After I become his girlfriend, he doesn’t care about my feelings and health any more. Everything is about sex and if I set some boundaries about having sex because of HPV vaccines, he got angry and accused me of being selfish. He had married twice before and he said he was mature. However, I don’t think he is mature since his second marriage only last 6 months and he blamed his ex for everything. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I am really confused whether he loves me or not. BTW, I don’t think his love is unconditional.

karaokelover Living Arrangements/Feeling Unwanted
  • replies: 1

I’m 21 & haven’t lived in my family home (which was Mum and two sisters) since about 16 months ago. I moved out because I felt like the constant arguing & bickering from my sisters (aged 19 and 15) was destroying me and so I moved out to avoid it all... View more

I’m 21 & haven’t lived in my family home (which was Mum and two sisters) since about 16 months ago. I moved out because I felt like the constant arguing & bickering from my sisters (aged 19 and 15) was destroying me and so I moved out to avoid it all together. When I say “moved”, I use the term very loosely. I put a bunch of clothes in an overnight bag & started staying in the upstairs bedroom at my uncle’s house. Since then, I’ve gradually brought more things with me to my uncle’s (where there is no storage for me at all), but the majority of my belongings are still in my room at Mum’s house. It was never an official move-out. I want to move home, but my sister’s boyfriend lives there (and has for about a year) & I don’t feel comfortable being forced to share my home (and bathroom) with him. He is a lovely boy & my whole family love him but I don’t want to live with him & don’t feel that I should be forced to, or feel that I because I don’t feel comfortable it’s my problem & “too bad”. Over the past week I’ve been harassed by my sister who wants me to clear out my room so she can use it as a study space. She has the biggest bedroom in the house with a desk in it, & when I questioned her why she needs my room she said that it’s not fair on her boyfriend for her to be in the bedroom studying all the time (he hs a good home why can’t he go back there?). She first brought this up a week ago when we had other family over & it just turned into a big attack against me trying to force me to move all my belongings & furniture out. My issue is that Mum knows I want to come home & that I feel uncomfortable living with my sister’s boyfriend (to which she’s basically just been saying “well too bad”). I feel that she’s choosing the boyfriend over me her own daughter & she’s not seeing or understanding my feelings no matter how often I try to express them. Even tonight, I was over at Mum’s & they were outside talking about me & my sister came in & with a straight-off-the-bat aggressive tone started demanding me to move my things out then & there. I then tried to have a mature conversation with her about it but she was not having it, my mum walked in & tried to “be the mediator” but was on my sister’s side & was not trying to see my side at all. I feel unwanted and extremely stressed and I don’t know what to do. I want to move home, but don’t want to live with the boyfriend, and there’s no room at my uncle’s for my things even if I did clear out the room at Mum’s.

Fishyfishman How do I manage severe trust issues?
  • replies: 3

I'll try keep this as succinct as possible. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months, we both love each other immensely and have gotten to know each other quite intimately, to the point where we know most of each other's personal histories already. ... View more

I'll try keep this as succinct as possible. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months, we both love each other immensely and have gotten to know each other quite intimately, to the point where we know most of each other's personal histories already. She makes it clear how much she loves me, how much she's committed to me, and does so daily. Even goes as far as to mention long term things, like a life together, moving out, etc. I've been in a long relationship before this one, which lasted 3 and a half years, where I felt very comfortable as far as any sort of trust issue was concerned, and never felt the worries I feel now of possibly being cheated on, or left. My current girlfriend and I are both in our early 20's and live a short drive from one another. At the moment, on a daily basis, I feel tremendous fear and anxiety based around whether or not her feelings are legitimate, or that me vocalising my worries as much as I do will cause her feelings for me to die down and leave me. For some reason, more than I fear being left, I fear being cheated on. This is a big deal for me, I think if someone were to cheat on me, or do something close to it, that I'd never recover. The problem being, despite all her efforts and the amount of energy she puts into this relationship (far more than is probably even normal), I worry about this on a daily basis. She has gone on a trip with a friend overseas for a little over a week, and I find myself wracked with anxiety that she'll sleep with someone while over there, or go out to a bar and have a few too many and something will end up happening. Every second she's not online, talking to me, I worry about what she's doing and who she's with, despite her being very open about all that. This sort of suspicion I have is borderline paranoid in my mind, since it's so irrational, and I've never experienced it in a relationship before. I think it comes from a place of thinking that she's a bit out of my league, and struggling to believe that she'll settle for me, despite her saying the opposite many times. I very rarely even prompt her declarations of love, they're usually spontaneous, but even then it only serves as a temporary aid to my anxiety. My anxiety is completely gone while I'm talking to her and we're in a good place relationship wise, but a few hours of being completely separate and I'm back in this whole again, so anxious that I can't enjoy anything. What do I do?

Peppa62 10yr relationship over?
  • replies: 8

Seeking advice ... my partner (M27) and I (F27) have been together for 10yrs. We took a break briefly last year as I found out something about him that hurt me and needed space. We are now together again and trying to work through things . However a ... View more

Seeking advice ... my partner (M27) and I (F27) have been together for 10yrs. We took a break briefly last year as I found out something about him that hurt me and needed space. We are now together again and trying to work through things . However a recent/new issue is him and his work mates. I have never met them and he doesn’t want me at events where I might. Eg. work Xmas party, nights out ect. In a recent argument he said he didn’t want to be the guy that always has his gf in tow. This really hurt and made me feel like he’s ashamed of me or embarrassed to be with me. His going out with the ‘boys’ is a recent thing but every known and again I would like to be included/ meet the people he is friends with. Or with all that’s happened recently am I just beating a dead horse... is this relationship over? I’m not sure where to proceed or how to bring it up without him getting defensive . Please help I feel very lost

Aawwk Hi kinda stuck
  • replies: 2

I don’t want to break community rules but I fee trapt in a situation and don’t know what to do , I am divorced with children me and there mum get on , anyway whilst overseas a mistake happened and now I’m expecting a baby in another country , she wan... View more

I don’t want to break community rules but I fee trapt in a situation and don’t know what to do , I am divorced with children me and there mum get on , anyway whilst overseas a mistake happened and now I’m expecting a baby in another country , she wants me to move there etc but I can’t I don’t want to leave my kids and I doubt there mom would let me take them anyway and I’m set up here with work etc , but I can’t bring myself knowing I’m not going to be part of the baby’s life , it’s killing me

Harps70 Separated from grandchildren
  • replies: 2

I have always been extremely close with my daughter until recently. Due to me voicing my opinion about feeling being used I now have no contact with my daughter and now my grand children. How does one move on from this and still function. It feels li... View more

I have always been extremely close with my daughter until recently. Due to me voicing my opinion about feeling being used I now have no contact with my daughter and now my grand children. How does one move on from this and still function. It feels like my heart is about to break, I cry all the time, don’t sleep very well and don’t really want to do anything. My husband does not understand and I feel like I am alone in this. My photos around the house are torture to look at as is my grandchildren’s bedroom that have at my home. Do I remove all of this? I tried reaching out to my daughter when this first happened but got no reply and she would not answer her phone so I will be not contacting her again. I just want the pain to stop. I miss my grandchildren so much.

Rod_T In Love With My Kid's Teacher?
  • replies: 9

So I have 2 disabled children that attend primary school and one of their teachers is not only beautiful, but very friendly, sweet and incredible at what she does. I am have been married for 10 years and the romance and intimacy is dead. We are worki... View more

So I have 2 disabled children that attend primary school and one of their teachers is not only beautiful, but very friendly, sweet and incredible at what she does. I am have been married for 10 years and the romance and intimacy is dead. We are working on our marriage but I am doubtful of the future because I don't find her attractive anymore. What I see in the teacher is someone that attracts me but understands my disabled children and when she looks and talks to me she is always smiling and very friendly. Is the grass greener on the other side? I feel desperate for intimacy and affection that I am not getting with my wife. Thanks

court15 Feeling guilty after breakup!!
  • replies: 3

A few months ago I broke up with my same sex (female) partner, after being together for 3.5 years. We lived together and had shared bank accounts with a house deposit, over the last 12 months I fell out of love with her and started thinking about bei... View more

A few months ago I broke up with my same sex (female) partner, after being together for 3.5 years. We lived together and had shared bank accounts with a house deposit, over the last 12 months I fell out of love with her and started thinking about being with men again. I told her that we needed to break up as I wasnt in love with her I needed to be on my own to be more independent.. so we broke up, I have now moved out and we have spilt our assets. The guilt is killing me, I can't sleep, eat or even function normally. she did nothing wrong and is honestly the most kindest / loving person and if I was still in love we would still be together but unfortunately I can't help my feelings... she has told me on numerous occasions she is going to change into something I want and will wait for me .. I have told her not to but I just don't have the heart to put it blankly that I don't love her anymore and we will never be together again.. my question is how to get over this guilt - I've never hurt someone before in my life like this before...

white knight Expectations in a soul mate
  • replies: 0

We often hear it "he is my soul mate". Have you ever wanted a soul mate? What is a soul mate.? Do you need one? A soul mate from my research is a person that connects with you on all levels from trust to understanding to commitment...ultimate commitm... View more

We often hear it "he is my soul mate". Have you ever wanted a soul mate? What is a soul mate.? Do you need one? A soul mate from my research is a person that connects with you on all levels from trust to understanding to commitment...ultimate commitment. Can you have a soul mate that shares the same values as you? including having affairs eg both of you having an open relationship sexually but still having each other as soul mates? Well yes! it all depends on both of you. So sharing standards, values, interests etc - it doesn't matter how its done, as long as you both comply. In the example above both persons could have affairs or be actively involved in a swingers group but share intimate thoughts and commitment with each other and be- soul mates. I'd suggest however that that is not the norm. A soul mate in the traditional sense is a monogamous relationship as well as all the other things they share- full compatibility. Is this realistic? What percentage of people that say "we are soul mates" are that compatible? I'd suggest very few, if they searched, they would find differences however, their closeness is enough for them both to feel they are indeed soulmates as far as they are concerned....and that is all that matters. How do you find a soulmate? Well without tools to help you it is pure luck. Every date you go out with has a remote chance of that future connection and what is worse is that it is often months later that you find out your differences are too far apart for you ever to - make it. You need to narrow down the chances of meeting someone that has some chance of such success. The only way is dating apps or websites whereby you list your interests, strong points, profession, inspirations, parental status and dreams. I know it works as my daughter married a guy this way...a seemingly perfect match. Both in the teaching profession, humour, age similar and family aspirations. With the now common decision of waiting until late 30's to have children time is of the essence. Waiting for your luck to come along is not a wise move. Narrow down your chances of meeting your soul mate which will mean you are in love, have acceptable differences, accept each other, aspire for similar goals and life is bliss. But a soulmate can also include the humps and bumps as long as they don't dominate the relationship. A realistic level of contentment with a partner that you both blend into as one. TonyWK

CurlyK In a relationship with a Covert Narcissist and experiencing covert abuse - looking for support
  • replies: 5

Hi There, I'm new to this forum and desperately looking for support. I'm in a relationship with a covert narcissist and experiencing covert abuse on a daily basis. We are in couples therapy and I'm seeing a counsellor on my own but neither is helping... View more

Hi There, I'm new to this forum and desperately looking for support. I'm in a relationship with a covert narcissist and experiencing covert abuse on a daily basis. We are in couples therapy and I'm seeing a counsellor on my own but neither is helping because I don't feel like anyone really understands this abuse or even believes it is happening to me . The therapists seem to think it's something that can be corrected with better communication or understanding of my partner's own abusive history, but no matter what I try, it's like talking to a brick wall, he always plays the victim and makes everything about him. My partner will never do anything which will make him look bad, so no verbal abuse, no physical abuse but he turns our home environment into a living, toxic hell. Everyone is walking on egg shells, he provides zero emotional support, every interaction is a conflict or he turns into an argument where he is always right, it's his way or the high way, he gas lights me, twists everything I say and never listens to anything I say, essentially he wants to control me. He says he loves us, but everything about him screams that he hates us. It's even hard to put into words so it feels like I'm going crazy and whenever I call him up on it, he says that I am overreacting. None of our friends would ever believe it as he's such a nice guy to everyone else. We have two beautiful children together and I'm pregnant with my third. I have no family in this country and I feel like I couldn't leave even though I want to for practical/financial reasons as I have no one turn to or help me. He was unfaithful when I was pregnant with my last child, but yet somehow he has made this out like he is the victim and he did it because he was depressed.I have pandered to him, listened to him, been there for him, forgiven him for his infidelity and daily dark moods, always tried to do everything I could to please him and it's never enough. I have called him up on his behaviour, he admits he is a narcissist and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, but says that it's all unintentional and he wants everyone to be happy. I know I should leave, but I feel utterly trapped. Sometimes he is a good dad and he helps a lot around the house, I don't want to make things worse for my children by separating. I am seeking out a therapist who has been through this themselves as I think they are the only ones who will be able to help me. Have you been through something similar?