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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Phillipa_C Coping with being in the middle of a family estrangement
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice or insights for those in a similar situation. Some background info - I am the only child from my parents and my father has two children from a previous marriage. My half brother, half sister and I are close -... View more

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice or insights for those in a similar situation. Some background info - I am the only child from my parents and my father has two children from a previous marriage. My half brother, half sister and I are close - after years of not knowing each other and not growing up together, we came to get to know each other when I was a young adult. My father's first marriage broke down when my half siblings were very young (toddler/baby) and he had limited involvement in their life even though I could see it pained him greatly. He saw them a few times when they were children, and then not at all. He would send them letters and small gifts over the years but they never saw each other. I don't know if he had visitation rights but I know he did not pay child support. My dad has become sad and bitter about his estrangement from his children and is resentful they grew up without his 'influence' and from comments he has made to me he seems to perceive them as a bit of a failure. I know my siblings are angry with him at his abandonment of them and it has hurt them too. They resent me for having a dad when they didn't. I can see they struggle to understand his personality and mental health issues. I feel like both parties refuse to meet each other unless the meeting is on their terms. Any recent attempts have ended badly, culminating with my father walking out of my sister's wedding and her deciding to cut him out of her life. She has since had two children which my father has yet to meet. My brother and father are very similar in terms of mental health issues and personality - yet they cannot see eye to eye on anything. My brother has visited my father a few times but reconciliation is futile. I have lived away from home for over a decade and now that I have returned home I seem to be caught in a crossfire. My father says bad things about my siblings like that they are a disappointment to him, refusing to recognise them as his children but at the same time saying how much it hurts him to have 'lost' them and not knowing his grandchildren. My siblings don't mention my father much but when they do it is to make sniping remarks about him or to dig for details on his mental health. I love my father and my siblings equally and I want to know - how do other people cope being in the middle? Do you get involved and try to support a reconciliation (I try not to)? How do you support both sides of the family without taking sides?

sarinas Not sure how to get over a lost partner. It's been months but it still hurts so much that he doesn't care. And I lost motivation for everything.
  • replies: 1

Hi there. I look like a normal, well-adjusted, marginally attractive woman who is pursuing her dreams. But the reality is I am incredibly lost, lonely, and struggle with keeping positive and motivated to make my life amazing. I've moved aboard from S... View more

Hi there. I look like a normal, well-adjusted, marginally attractive woman who is pursuing her dreams. But the reality is I am incredibly lost, lonely, and struggle with keeping positive and motivated to make my life amazing. I've moved aboard from SEA to be an entrepreneur, with no idea what to expect and a large mission on hand. Fast forward quite a fair bit, I met this guy. He seemed like everything I was looking for in terms of the simple things : He had some innocence and look of hope and happiness that was in his eyes every time he looked at me. But the relationship struggled - he was a divorce and seemed like communication wasn't the norm for him. I guess the content doesn't matter. He dumped me a few days before my birthday - it was a year later and we had moved in. It was serious. The plan was for me to fly first and run errands in my home country, and he was supposed to meet me a few days later. Since then he kept scolding and hurting me when I shared my thoughts. But I had one goal in mind - to make sure we'd get a chance to forget all that. So i tried really, really hard to show him i cared. and it worked. we spent time together. And after awhie, smiled, and laughed and hugged, and hung out, and did things together, and cooked, and stared into each other's eyes...as long as he got to do it on a free pass. and as long as i didn't tell him about how i felt. the moment i told him, he'd shun me, tell me to screw off, and tell me i'm too much. I don't understand, it's so painful. we have the best time together, and it's so intense, yet at the smallest thing he's happy not to care how i feel. And it breaks me inside, because i care so much, that all i wanted was for him to be around, and he sure looked like he was having fun, but then all he remembers when confronted is that he's unhappy around me. He doesn't consider everything else. I love the way he looks back at me, hugging him, just seeing him. Even him brushing his teeth. And knowing i love all the little things...it hurts me every time to think about it, that I mean nothing, all that meant nothing, and i've been trying to get over it for months but it keeps coming back, and i feel like I need his validation, i just want so bad for him to look at me and tell me I'm worth it too and treat me well. To have my love not mean nothing. He reciprocates, and then nothing. I'm so torn up about how real it felt, and how easily its discarded. It doesn't help that I'm always working on my own.

resilientsurvivor Narcissistic Partner - Will it ever change
  • replies: 1

Hey Guys. I'm just going to give a little background info. I've been dating my partner for about five years now, we have been on and off. I didn't understand why we were always fighting over silly things. Until one day she told me she has been diagno... View more

Hey Guys. I'm just going to give a little background info. I've been dating my partner for about five years now, we have been on and off. I didn't understand why we were always fighting over silly things. Until one day she told me she has been diagnosed with narcissism personality disorder (and BPD and others). I've done some research into this so i can understand it better and of course after i did this, things made more sense. However i stuck around to see improvements for then everything to fall apart just as quick. I was on a roller coaster and i still am. I never ever feel like i am heard, on a serious level. I'm always making her upset with little things. I can see myself changing as a person in a negative way. I'm angry alot more often, i'm very frustrated and often feel depressed. All this unresolved "baggage" we never can overcome, (its always just forgotten about) is seriously taking a toll. I try to move out back with family which proves to be also another detriment to my mental health as all my childhood traumas are in the same house. ( I went through the foster care system until age 21) I'm in debt and am struggling to save so i can move out on my own but i then wonder is that going to be good for me? Being alone? I just don't know how to manage the interactions with her anymore, i have so much underlying anger that it doesn't take much before i "shut down" and "dis-engage". I find that i seclude myself a lot now in my own room. (yes we have separate rooms). Ive suggested couples counselling to no avail. I'm at my wits end. We are not "together" at the moment and perhaps i now dont want to be, which breaks my heart but i have tried and been so patient, its now at the expense of myself and my mental health. Please help. Maybe give me some reinforcement? Any response will be appreciated.

Meremale00 Dysfunctional marriage, at a complete loss i just cry
  • replies: 1

Married 33 years, been deteriorating for a long time i guess. Last cpl of years has been hard, after years of always giving in to keep the peace i just stopped wanting to try and make it work anymore. Now after 3 lots of councelling, as in 3 differen... View more

Married 33 years, been deteriorating for a long time i guess. Last cpl of years has been hard, after years of always giving in to keep the peace i just stopped wanting to try and make it work anymore. Now after 3 lots of councelling, as in 3 different councellors i done but don't know how to get out. My wife wobt let go, wants it tobwork but in the last two years she has done nothing to show it. She started drinking, a feeble attempt at suicide, attacked me physically, driving drunk, sold lies tonmy son who ran with it and attacked me but when he realised he apologised. We sleep in seperate rooms, we dont do anything together at all, we barely talk but my wife exists like everything is normal, i can cope with that. She booked an overseas holiday without telling me just for herself, once i knew a few days before, i supported it. But im isolated, my life is miserable, im sad, i cry and i dont know what to do. All i wanted was us to agree we dont work, be friends, i would continue to support her in any way including financially. I feel like she is trying to punish me but sacrificing her own chance of happiness in doing so. I feel like im on the edge, at tge end, i dont know what to do, i cry often, im mise and started to not sleep. If i leave she will try suicide, i feel like im trapped. I cant keep living like i am, i want me back again.

Natalie124 Complicated and at a complete loss
  • replies: 1

I am in quite a complicated situation my boyfreind lives overseas but we have the same family. We are not related as he was adopted by my uncle and my boyfreind is his grandson. I was supposed to move over there and live with them all im a year which... View more

I am in quite a complicated situation my boyfreind lives overseas but we have the same family. We are not related as he was adopted by my uncle and my boyfreind is his grandson. I was supposed to move over there and live with them all im a year which is perfect for my relationship. I was very close with my aunt and uncle untill recently. My boyfreind confided in me he was in a really bad place i had never seen him like this before i was really worried. My uncle was on the phone and called him a waste of space apparently he was joking... i reached out to my aunt and uncle and told them he is in a bad place please go easy on him. I did promise my boyfreind i wouldn't say anything i was only trying to look out for him. He has forgiven me but ny aunt and uncle cut me off completly after i told them he was in a bad place. And basicly said anything between them is none of my bussiness. Its now affecting my relationship really bad i have tried and tried to reach out to my uncle to sort this out for my bf's sake but i have been ignored i feel soo rejected when my heart was in the right place. My boyfreind wants me to try but noone else is i dont know what to do im at a loss.

Bcasey415 14 year lie...
  • replies: 7

A lot of you might think of me as the biggest jerk in the world and I completely understand and agree. This has been in the back of my mind for years and only recently it has been making me really depressed and I cannot find happiness anywhere. This ... View more

A lot of you might think of me as the biggest jerk in the world and I completely understand and agree. This has been in the back of my mind for years and only recently it has been making me really depressed and I cannot find happiness anywhere. This involves pretty much my whole family but mainly my Dad and Mum. When I was around 4 yrs old I told a hefty lie to my Dad about how I got "harassed" in the school toilets. He was devastated and went through a lot of things to try and help me through this fake trauma... I do not know why I would do this and 14 years later I do not have words to explain how regretful I am. My parents are perfect and I wouldnt change them for the world. Obviously after 14 years I feel like this has gone on long enough and I feel like such scum... I remember getting in trouble for something bad when I was 4 and I think I may have used this lie to deflect from whatever I was in trouble for not realizing the damage it was causing. I want to confess... I really do. I will never be happy with myself and what I've done and the fact that I let it go for so so long. I am terrfied of confessing though. I don't know if my parents will disown me and kick me out or even try to hurt me... I mean imagine this serious lie going on 14 years.. can you imagine how they would feel? Im scared and I don't know what to do or where to turn because I know if I never tell them then I take it to the grave without ever being freed from this lie but if I do tell them It'll most likely break the family... and I'll never see them again. Please help

Georgie502 Gaslighting boyfriend
  • replies: 4

Hi, my boyfriend of two years has quite suddenly become very distant and cold towards me. He suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues which he was seeing a psychologist for a few months ago. Every now and then I will bring up a problem I hav... View more

Hi, my boyfriend of two years has quite suddenly become very distant and cold towards me. He suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues which he was seeing a psychologist for a few months ago. Every now and then I will bring up a problem I have or a certain way that he is making me feel and he will absolutely lose it at me. The other day I went through his phone which I know is wrong, and I saw he did some drugs on the weekend and I confronted him about it and asked why did you not just tell me? It hurts when you keep things from me. This then resulted in him getting extremely angry I went on his phone, he broke all of my make up and perfumes and ripped apart the lounge room. He told me I’m the reason he is so un well at the moment and he would be healthier without me. I just don’t know what is true and what isn’t anymore. Everything had been fine before this but it’s little things like this that completely tip him over the edge. He said he despises me and hates me and I’m a rat for looking at his phone. What is this sort of behaviour and what do I do about it? I know I shouldn’t have gone on it but I knew he was keeping something from me

Zaraaboo my new life in australia not so good
  • replies: 6

hi all MY husband and I have been together nearly 30 yrs , give or take a few! 14 yrs ago my husband decided to move to Australia to be with his family, I decided to stop in uk where my family are and my daughter ( at the time she was 13 and my husba... View more

hi all MY husband and I have been together nearly 30 yrs , give or take a few! 14 yrs ago my husband decided to move to Australia to be with his family, I decided to stop in uk where my family are and my daughter ( at the time she was 13 and my husband is not her father) so we decided to separate really heart breaking for both of us. We both came and went over the years visiting each other and just both couldn't move on. Then in 2007 I found out I had cancer of the cervic and decided life was to short and moved out (2008)with my husband ( my daughter at that time was 21 and didn't want to come)as much as I tried to tempt her she was not having it! After 2 and a half years here, life was not that brill, my daughter had my first grandchild and I decided to move back to uk, where I lived for a further 8yrs and 3 grandchildren by then, I got stuck with the children every weekend worked fulltime in an awful factory, my daughter draining me of money, I had drug dealers living next door to me and couldn't sell my property because of them, I got very depressed and went on antidepressants for 5 of them years. To cut along story short my husband and I reunited, I eventually sold my property and moved back to oz, I have now been back 10 months with one holiday to uk at Christmas, in them years we were apart he has changed , smoking weed everyday drinking and at the pub everyday, lazy doesn't want to do much, just itching every morning to get to the pub, all he talks about to his mates is about weed and beer, selling bits of weed to friends, and this is this great life he promised me . I have said things and asked him is this the new life you promised me! thing will be different this time he said! all I do is moan apparently! and that's what he does get over it! we have nothing in common at all and my feelings i had just don't seem to there, I walked away from my family daughter and grandchildren ( who were devastated btw) to this (promised new life and things will change) to nothing, I live in this beautiful country and all I can think is wish my family were here cos if they where I don't think I would be with my husband now. I am getting more depressed by the day and don't know where to turn or what to do. I don't

white knight Disowning family members
  • replies: 2

As children we are raised in a family group and that means it is a "given" that we remain together forever - no matter what. It is only when we become young adults that we struggle heavily on that concept when we develop own minds, even our own value... View more

As children we are raised in a family group and that means it is a "given" that we remain together forever - no matter what. It is only when we become young adults that we struggle heavily on that concept when we develop own minds, even our own values. These values and ideas on what family relations should be are realized when we share our lives with others. We find out that how we were and are treated by a parent or both parents is not the norm, unacceptable to the point where we are struggling with mental health issues like anxiety, guilt, depression and other illnesses. And at that point of your life you turn to the very people that were fundamental in placing you in such a situation- your parents. The reality hits you- they put the walls up and point the finger at YOU!. This becomes the ultimate guilt journey for you because you have also always respected their wisdom and authority, now you are shattered and lost. So not that your guilt is taking a journey of its own you do one of two things- you fight them or you give in. What a terrible situation to be in. With the fear of losing your parents (that often support each other even though one knows that the others treatment is unacceptable) you give in multiple times over many years. This often mean you just delay the final separation. Google Beyondblue topic the definition of abuse- what is it? So that is what abuse is but what action do you take? Is disowning a parent or family member the right thing to do? Well your own judgement is paramount as is your mental health, however when you are verbally forced to comply with demands that are not, in your judgement, reasonable physically violated manipulated demeaned when limits are placed upon you not reflecting your age and independence when parents control too much with your life and that of your children eg how you raise them lack of religious freedom any attempt at ruining life event like weddings and so on you might need to consider action of separation for a period. Sometimes you have to take the reins especially when your parent carries out unacceptable conduct. Parents should be supporters of you and proud of you. They should be doting grandparents to your children not controllers of your parenting. It's a two way thing so the reverse is also true. If anyone has desire to control or do abuse, you might have to seek counseling with or without them, that is a basic obligation toward other human beings- opportunity to save the family unit. TonyWK

LoyalHound My wife called for a break, I'm struggling to accept her decision
  • replies: 9

About 6 months ago my partner and I had a tipping point in our relationship due to my distance throughout the 6 month period prior to that. We are proud parents to a beautiful little girl and between the time that she was about 10 months - 16months o... View more

About 6 months ago my partner and I had a tipping point in our relationship due to my distance throughout the 6 month period prior to that. We are proud parents to a beautiful little girl and between the time that she was about 10 months - 16months old I was clearly not coping with the whole parenting thing very well, which to this day I find disgusting because my wife wasn't coping either and needed my help. My coping strategy was to be busy with other commitments each weekend which meant my wife was left at home to look after our daughter. There was a few times where my wife was literally crying and struggling and I was so cold and switched off that I chose these other commitments over my family which I regret every day to this day. When the tipping point came, other things came out that during the time we had both made some pretty awful decisions in the relationship. After I had uncovered something that she had done she had a sudden change of heart and we reconciled the first time. We agreed to be completely open and honest. I undertook counselling and worked on being a better person, father, and husband. I'm not saying I was ever a bad husband or father before.. but my actions when I was going away on the weekends definitely undid every good thing that I had ever done. After about 1-2 months of the openness my wife started being closed off again. Thought that I was checking up on her all the time, and phones became locked off again, and the secrecy in the relationship brought the trust back to low and we were on edge. She seemed to have very little patience with me again, and I was doing the opposite and trying to do everything in my power to make things easier at home. Our daughter is very demanding and that certainly doesn't help things. A few weeks ago there was another moment where my wife told me that things aren't working again, and she didn't know if she could get past what I did last year. I got to the point of begging and crying which I know now is selfish but I was scared and worried I was going to lose the love of my life. We have only known each other in our adult lives. I love her to pieces and she tells me that she loves and cares for me.. but we are broken and unhappy. We did reconcile again after that instance after about a week.. and then recently again she has said the words "I think I want to leave" and we are now separated living under the one roof. I'm an emotional wreck. I know I can't control how she feels.. need help..