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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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NBer Want to separate from a family member with BPD
  • replies: 2

I have a sibling with untreated, but diagnosed severe BPD. Following the most resent episode, I have come to the painful realisation that for my own mental and physical health, I need to permanently separate from this person and focus my attention on... View more

I have a sibling with untreated, but diagnosed severe BPD. Following the most resent episode, I have come to the painful realisation that for my own mental and physical health, I need to permanently separate from this person and focus my attention on supporting and protecting my nephew. I realise this seems harsh, but I do not want to share details of the horrendous and ongoing devastation this person has caused to our family and others. They also refuse to seek or engage in treatment. The issue I have is extreme guilt, not only for wanting to permanently separate, but also because I am so much happier and relaxed since making this decision. The other issue is that my mother does not understand my position as I have been the key support for this person, and this is causing friction and a deterioration in our relationship. I have looked around for support through this process but have not been able to find any. I have looked at Spectrum but other than information about carer self care, there is no information on point. I cannot afford to see a counsellor about this at the moment. I’m wondering if others have made this painful decision and what supports they were able to locate. Thank you

Ralb How do I toughen up mentally
  • replies: 6

Over 20 years ago my now ex wife suffered what I believe was post natal depression. She had wild moods swings and ended up "falling in love " with a woman overseas whom she met on a Johhny depp fan forum. To cut a long story short to get me out of th... View more

Over 20 years ago my now ex wife suffered what I believe was post natal depression. She had wild moods swings and ended up "falling in love " with a woman overseas whom she met on a Johhny depp fan forum. To cut a long story short to get me out of the picture so she could connect with this woman my life was turned upside down. I was regularly have police interview me about alleged assaults, she also reported me to DOCS and police (reported this incident 5 years after it allegedly happened). I went to extreme lengths to prove my innocence (I moved interstate without telling her and allegations were made about me physically intimidating her and finally police stopped taking her seriously and gave her a warning about wasting police time when knowing she would make a complaint about me on my birthday i sat in a police station waiting room to ensure I had a water tight alabi.. I left her keep the house, paid thousands of dollars a month in maintenance and paid off the mortgage. I did this to hopefully show my daughter i am a good man. It's now 18 years later and during this time I saw my business destroyed thanks to Victoria criminal knockdowns. My daughter is brainwashed about how evil i am. I have been living in my car and cooking on a small gas cooker and I park near beachside amenities. This has been the case since COVID. I had no money to make support payments so she sold a house for $3.5m and brought a replacement for $2m so they have plenty of money. In my situation with the bank seizing them business assets and garnisheeing a large amount of my now salary and crap credit history i can't get a home. It's impossible to meet people in my situation and even if I did they would ask me about my circumstances and frankly it's embarrassing. I have played mind tricks for years.. planning for a better future, reconnecting with my daughter etc but it's hit me now that's impossible I have had to resign from jobs outlet of embarrassment as if the ex finds out where I work she sends my employer vile lies about me. Police are not interested I would never self harm as its against religious beliefs and I believe you do the right thing in this life then the next life will bring rewards. So what I'm need is advice on how to be mentally tough enough to accept my situation and fight my way though it. Thank you

Quiettall Handling a very determined wife
  • replies: 1

I have a difficult situation where my wife of 20 years has chronic illness. She is using that as an excuse to be very determined, difficult and dictatorial. For example, she has decided to arbitrarily sell off what she calls "excess" items in the hou... View more

I have a difficult situation where my wife of 20 years has chronic illness. She is using that as an excuse to be very determined, difficult and dictatorial. For example, she has decided to arbitrarily sell off what she calls "excess" items in the house without discussing with me. I have asked that at least we should talk about it and agree on things we dont need and can sell. She is also totally dismissive of my voluntary work or anything I do around the house, constantly criticising and telling me she wants this or that and I dont seem to be doing anything right in her eyes. At this moment I am feeling very frustrated, if not angry and looking to take a few days away to get respite and give her time to reflect and realise what she is doing. Normally I am very calm and logical but finding myself constantly watching my back, readying myself for another instruction or criticism

izzy Loneliness
  • replies: 1

Hello, I just hopped on here after almost a year, im now a fresh 17 year old and i feel myself falling down a hole again.. Im not really an emotional person, i am on the inside but on the outside you wouldn't ever guess that. I don't really cry, i fe... View more

Hello, I just hopped on here after almost a year, im now a fresh 17 year old and i feel myself falling down a hole again.. Im not really an emotional person, i am on the inside but on the outside you wouldn't ever guess that. I don't really cry, i feel the need to a-lot but it just doesn't happen. Everyone around me tells me that i keep everything to myself and carry a-lot of weight, being my own and everyone else's, i pile up and cant let it go, i hold onto things.. big or small, and think about it non stop. But lately i feel lonely, not lonely like i want someone here, lonely like there is none else on this earth for me. Im no-ones first choice.. i have amazing friends who make me laugh everyday but i still feel so incredibly lonely. At home i don't really have anyone to talk to, my little sister is my mums jewel who has her eye all the time… which isn't a problem because my sister needs help, she is 15 but still depends on her and i'm more independent.. i love my mum tho, she is amazing i just feel that i cant connect with her. Which also means that i get blamed for everything. I ask something simple and i get attitude. I get in trouble for everything and it seems in that household of 4 that i’m the punching bag of the family who gets blamed and gets everything put on them. At my dads its sorta the opposite, my dad is divorced from my mum and struggles with money a-lot, so i try help out but i just get called lazy, i definitely connect more with my dad but we are barley at his. Don’t get me wrong i love my family it just feels like i have none in this world. Like i said i am nones first choice and that hurts like a hole in my heart as it is. But to then feel like i have none and to be a failure it kinda feels like i should just give up. Im about to go into year 12 which is so scary. I feel like i cant do it. I really cant describe the feeling i feel everyday endlessly, but it sucks. i just really don't know if i can do this.. i just feel shitty a-lot of the time. Im about to go into Christmas holidays for school.. so if you have an suggestions or like activities i can do to pass time and get my mind away from it, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Alvi Hi i dont know what i should
  • replies: 2

Hi after years of emotional abuse in my marriage i have checked out mentally. I recently have made up my mind to divorce him. However recently he hired a mind coach to help him navigate work life balance. Now he is suddenly trying to improve by think... View more

Hi after years of emotional abuse in my marriage i have checked out mentally. I recently have made up my mind to divorce him. However recently he hired a mind coach to help him navigate work life balance. Now he is suddenly trying to improve by thinking he can just waltz in to my life by suddenly starting to do the affectionate stuff. The thing is i have been stuck in similar loop for so long of abuse then as soon as he realise i am leaving he will be good. I am worried its the same thing. TBH i cannot take this anymore. I am having mental breakdown , constantly crying and feeling extremely unsafe mentally. His mental coach reached out to me to get an idea of marriage to which he has a good idea. But the things he is making my husband do are making me feel unsafe and uncertain that the previous things will repeat. I have made a safety bubble for myself which he wants to get in for ex coming to my gym, wanting to sleep in same bed. Havent shared bed in past 2 yrs. The abuse had intensified in last 6 months and again coming to point that he wants to be nice which i think is again part of his manipulation.

Bryant My wife seems to resent me and I’m worried
  • replies: 5

Hey everyone, sorry this is long and disorganised… I’m just not sure what to do My wife and I are young (~24yrs) and have been married for 4 months. We have two young kids (1 & 2yrs).The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult for me as my wife ... View more

Hey everyone, sorry this is long and disorganised… I’m just not sure what to do My wife and I are young (~24yrs) and have been married for 4 months. We have two young kids (1 & 2yrs).The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult for me as my wife snaps at me for absolutely everything I do and say… I only have good intentions and am trying my hardest to do everything right. I just want to be a good husband and father and I love them all more than anything. it’s even been so bad that in an argument she has told me she doesn’t want this anymore (told me the next day over the phone that it was just out of anger) and also said that she won’t apologise for it as I said hurtful things as well. (I told her she needed to try and think about things with more optimism and be more reasonable) everything has been fine up until the birth of our second child.. since then I have slept in the spare room as she insists both of the kids sleep with her. (I go into them anytime she calls for me through the night or early mornings and help in any way she needs). We have very little intimacy and it’s only when she feels guilty and tells me she is only doing it because of guilt so even then it doesn’t happen because it’s not right. I am high up in my position at work and heavily relied upon. She works where the kids go daycare. I just don’t know how to tell if things will ever get better, I am constantly trying to better myself every day for them but she only thinks it’s me that needs to keep doing better and change. I feel defeated and lost and worry I will lose everything. Sometimes she is in a great mood and everything is fine but I might make our son a bottle of formula the wrong way or use the wrong toilet at the house or pick up something I shouldn’t have touched when tidying up and then she will just snap and stay in a horrible mood that can last from 12hrs to 3 days. I just can’t win with anything and I don’t know what to do. Just for context, it is loud screaming and some of the insults are “just use your brain, it’s not that hard to do things the right way” and “you’re so f&@king dumb” - it’s all dependant on her ways of doing things. Just to add: if the roles are reversed and I am struggling with the 2 kids, if I call out to her for help with something, she will shout at me and tell me she’s busy or to just figure it out. Whereas anytime she asks for anything I will run to her aid. thanks for reading, it’s all over the place but hopefully understandable.

Nick Need advice
  • replies: 3

Hi my wife and I recently decided to take a breakmaim reasons are I’m not very emotionally involved with her or the kids I am very unstable in my jobs I can’t communicate openly and just a very distant person while around my family I have moved out a... View more

Hi my wife and I recently decided to take a breakmaim reasons are I’m not very emotionally involved with her or the kids I am very unstable in my jobs I can’t communicate openly and just a very distant person while around my family I have moved out and doing it quite tough at the moment can anyone give advice on what I should be doing to get my family back

Guest_16219302 Feeling defeated
  • replies: 2

Hi All I feel like this is a last resort for me as I don’t have anyone in this world to talk to in regards to how I am TRUELY feeling and that if I wasn't around my family would not care. I’m married 10years this Dec and have to amazing kids and I’ve... View more

Hi All I feel like this is a last resort for me as I don’t have anyone in this world to talk to in regards to how I am TRUELY feeling and that if I wasn't around my family would not care. I’m married 10years this Dec and have to amazing kids and I’ve always felt that my kids keep me alive but lately I can’t honestly say my kids wouldn’t even really notice if I was nit here ! My life in my eyes was perfect until a very close family member turned it all upside down and continues to bully now my kids in public situations like school grounds all because she just doesn’t want me to exist ! I don’t know what to do I have always done the right thing and shut my mouth for the sake of my family my parents but for 12 years now I’m defeated !! Help please

UpsAndDowns-2 Triggered. Should I get professional help?
  • replies: 2

I don't even know how to start. I'm very well aware of my triggers and it has happened quite often. Throughout the years I have tried getting more self help and be more mindful and things have improved, until I gave birth last year. Life was hectic o... View more

I don't even know how to start. I'm very well aware of my triggers and it has happened quite often. Throughout the years I have tried getting more self help and be more mindful and things have improved, until I gave birth last year. Life was hectic of course and there were more arguments between me and my spouse on many things. I thought I may have postnatal anxiety so I had call a few hotlines to get help, as well as get enrolled in some programs. Things seems have got back on track after a year or so. Last night my parent said something that has triggered me. I have shared with him before on the triggers but he's just not sensitive and mindful enough. I snapped. I didn't say a thing. I sat there to try calm down but I couldn't. After a few minutes I decided I'd go upstairs and leave the kids to him to finish the night time routine. This morning I was still mad at my partner and I felt very deflated. I went out to meet some friends with my kids, came back, saw my partner, then got mad again. I basically cannot function when I'm deflated and I feel that my cup is not just empty but it has a crack and I can't fill it up. I can't even function to look after my kids (I was OK when I was occupied with friends but not when I saw my partner again). What he said to me just keep repeating in my own head and keeps triggering me. I'm never officially diagnosed though after kids partner said I may have ADHD. I don't even know how to get further help but thinking back it wasn't really a big deal but I just felt so hurt and deflated and lose all my energy. I have been searching around to see if there is someone that I can talk to but I'm anxious to share. Then I found this forum I'm really not sure if this is a right place to post but I hope I can get some non judgmental advices here to get me back on track.

Princess_Africa Mother dearest
  • replies: 1

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temp... View more

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temper and very controlling and possessive.I understand where it came from as our father was not a very nice man - drunk, cheating and constantly jumping from job to job. It certainly wasn't an easy life for her. However, I do understand that her treatment of us was not right. I finally managed to break the pattern when I left home as a very young adult (on the back of a temper tantrum which resulted in plates being thrown at me), refusing to engage with her until she got some help, which - kudos to her, - she did, but it was more about being diagnosed with depression and landing on strong medication than anything other matter or behaviour. I took it as progress though and managed to repair the relationship to a civil state. Fast forward 20 years and she and my father split up and when I called him out for his poor behaviour, he cut us all off and started a new life. I acknowledge how traumatic this would be and stressful - in this instance she was truly heartbroken and I would have and still would give anything to be able to take that away. To help my mother transition to a different life than she planned, I agreed to live with her for a few years but the possessiveness started again. If I went anywhere without her she'd sarcasically say "thanks for the invitation" and if I had friends over she would just welcome herself and insert herself into the time. The household chores once again fell on me and she relied heavily on me to keep her company. Whenever I told her I was planning to move in with my partner at the end of the lease we were living under her immediate response was "What about me". My partner and I agreed to offer her to rent a house we had bought at DRASTICALLY reduced rent to help her transition to living alone and she loved it so much it evolved into full market rent for going on several years now. The possessiveness continues, she refuses to socialise with ANYONE else but my siblings or I and outside of her job, doesn't leave the house unless it's with one of us (outside of groceries). She won't ever reach out to us to "just ask" to meet for a coffee, instead the snide comments have evolved to be said to my partner and our son, behind my back around the fact that she never sees me. After years and years of counselling I am at the point of accepting that she will never change and I will never get any apology or closure on the years of abuse. I am beyond exhausted at trying to distance myself and manage to cut the apron strings and now see my only avenue to true healthy space is to move away in a few years when the time is right for my immediate family and children. I'm exhausted by the years of trying to keep her happy and go to effort just to have it thrown back in my face behind my back and the possessiveness. How do I start to love her again as a mother when the toxic behaviour is never-ending and evolving from one type to another?