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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Lost_in_reality Has my marriage expired?
  • replies: 2

I’ve been married 3 years and we have a 2yo son. We had issues before our our son was born but they seemed minor. Since then we’ve had issues on repeat since the birth, it was traumatic for me and even in the delivery room I didn’t feel like I was ge... View more

I’ve been married 3 years and we have a 2yo son. We had issues before our our son was born but they seemed minor. Since then we’ve had issues on repeat since the birth, it was traumatic for me and even in the delivery room I didn’t feel like I was getting the full support I needed. Once we got home it seemed my husband didn’t think his life needed to change. He’d go out most Friday nights and wouldn’t be home when he said and wasn’t very responsive to my messages. This happened before bub but I’d hoped it was going to change. Over time I was no longer able to rely on him even when he stopped going out and was home more. I have been the one to look after our son even on weekends I get little support besides bath time. I’m left to do 95% of cooking and maintaining the house “because I’m home all day”. In my “free time” I’m doing chores while he watches tv and drinks or is on his phone. We don’t have any emotional connection as I just don’t feel it at all as I don’t feel supported in any other part of our relationship. We’ve argued about everything over and over and it ends up in attacks. I’ve worried about his mental health as he’s so distant but he refuses to get help. I can’t say anything to him anymore without him going on the defense so we rarely talk now. We’ve mentioned splitting a lot but it just never happens. We never resolve anything we just go on like it hasn’t happened. My tipping point to writing this is that we went out to the pub the other afternoon, I met him and his mates there with our son. He was drunk and kept leaning up to me and and trying to get close but I hated it, I felt so uncomfortable. Im not longer upset by things he does or fights we have, I’ve shut off and I’m not sure that can be fixed or if I can put in the effort as I’ve been trying for so long. I can’t think of anything we have in common anymore. I’m just scared to leave because of our son. No one in my family has ever separated so I don’t know what it would be like if we did. I’m lost and not sure if I should bring this recent realisation/feelings up to my husband.

Jazz32 I am stuck with a 38 year gap and yet free to go!
  • replies: 1

Hi there . Let me start by saying this is amazing and thank you for listening. i am 32 my partner 70. She is a trans woman I am a woman , she has been married twice before and has three children to both wife’s I have taken on a sum what codependency ... View more

Hi there . Let me start by saying this is amazing and thank you for listening. i am 32 my partner 70. She is a trans woman I am a woman , she has been married twice before and has three children to both wife’s I have taken on a sum what codependency on her. We have been together 2 years and living together 1 year . I was a binge drinker and she is a chain smoker ,she was always against me drinking so I gave it up 4 months ago and she still smokes , she is still set in her ways. She is very kind and caring but is getting too old to do anything at all now! I started seeing a psychotherapist and tomorrow is my fourth session at $150 per session and honestly don’t think she can help. I am just living for her and not with her . I am stuck and can’t find my own path , and am only happy when I get attention off her , nothing else is beautiful unless she is with me and laughing . So deep down I need to go and search the world but I don’t want to leave her. I need help in leaving. How do I go about this ? I have another place I have sorted. I just can’t bring myself to leave her , I love her so much but it hurts to be here and anxiety and depression has set in

654bno Anxiety - discovery of husbands porn use.
  • replies: 1

My Dr has prescribed Antidepressants for Anxiety. I have come home from a week away and found that my husband had been using porn. At first I thought it was ok as I hadn’t been at home. I wanted to talk about him being careful so that our kids did no... View more

My Dr has prescribed Antidepressants for Anxiety. I have come home from a week away and found that my husband had been using porn. At first I thought it was ok as I hadn’t been at home. I wanted to talk about him being careful so that our kids did not see it (our son regularly uses my husbands IPad). I also thought that this may be something that we could explore together. I went online for advice on how to talk to my husband about it and whether this could be a good thing for our marriage. Almost all information pointed to how addictive it is and how over time users need more to get off, they become unsatisfied with their partners and it can lead to looking for more outside of the relationship. That hit me because my husband has an addictive personality, we have had issues in the past with drug and alcohol use. I spoke to my husband and he said he uses it to help him get to sleep and that he has done it for years. He says he is not addicted to it and would have sex with me every day of the week if that was an option. I am now in a position where I feel like I may have caused this. We have “date nights” 2 scheduled nights a week for sex. We had 4 children under 3, I had no desire at all so I suggested date nights to ensure that I was also looking after his needs. He also said that he hated asking for more because he can’t handle rejection. Our children are aged 10-13 now. The reason that I found this in the first place is that I had noticed my husband facebook searching women that attend his gym and that he had started going to the gym twice a day. He seemed to have a genuine explanation for the facebook searches. He says that he started going to the gym twice a day because he is committed to getting fit this year for his sport (I know that is true as he has struggled for years with this). I feel like he is being honest with me and he is a good man/husband/dad otherwise. We have been together for 18 years. I told him how all of this makes me feel. I did not ask him to promise that he won’t use porn and he did not promise it. We are currently ditching date night, he is setting the pace for our love life as a trial. I just still feel a compulsion to check his IPad and I know that this is not healthy for me. He uses the IPad to stream things to the tv in our bedroom and even seeing his iPad in our room seems to be a trigger for me. Has anyone experienced similar?

Jess99 Alone and confused
  • replies: 3

Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I’m hoping that this will help me in getting some kind of advice, or just feel a little better to get things off my chest. I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a few months with this guy, and ... View more

Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I’m hoping that this will help me in getting some kind of advice, or just feel a little better to get things off my chest. I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a few months with this guy, and of course there’s been ups and downs. However as of lately there’s just more downs than anything else, and I’m finding myself struggling to keep it all together. He has a very bad temper so when we fight that comes out, and his emotional abuse is beyond words can describe. He also is very controlling and treats me like a child. Saying things to me like wipe your feet before coming inside, go to the toilet before leaving the house and takes over when I try to cook in his kitchen. He has a child with his ex wife and when i got in this relationship I was told a lot of bad things about him, but I chose to ignore them to make my own decision. A few months ago I fell pregnant with him and had an abortion. He knew about it and basically wanted the abortion so that was that. I’ve now found out I’m pregnant again with him, but this time I haven’t told him. I regretted having an abortion last time so if worse comes to worse and he wants one again, I want to tell him no and keep the baby. Even if it means raising it on my own.Is that selfish of me? I have 2 kids already with my ex who I was with for almost 10 years. We built a house together and everything (never married). When we broke up I moved out of the house and back to my mothers. I wanted the kids to come stay with me, however his parents got involved and forced my hand into having the kids at the house and that I would only be seeing them basically on the weekends. At the time I agreed to it because I was vulnerable and thought it was the best interest for the kids so it wasn’t disrupting their every day living, however I’ve been forced to now take legal action against my ex due to miscommunication and him now keeping them away from me (for almost a year now). Lawyers have been going back and forth and trying to get into the court now, but it’s just taking its toll on me and making me want to break almost every day. Especially not seeing them on Christmas, birthdays, Easter and the worst for me was Mother’s Day. Anyway that’s basically all of what’s happening with me. So thank you for reading!

hbolt5 My Boyfriend Ended Our Relationship Due to Mental Health Issues but Still Loves Me
  • replies: 1

Hi all, I have recently broken up with my boyfriend due to his mental health issues. We are both currently unemployed however I still have some money. Him on the other hand doesn’t. He decided that it was best for him to be on his own and sort his li... View more

Hi all, I have recently broken up with my boyfriend due to his mental health issues. We are both currently unemployed however I still have some money. Him on the other hand doesn’t. He decided that it was best for him to be on his own and sort his life out. However he still loves me and hates that he has to do this. How do I talk to him about giving it another chance? We see each other everyday and I am willing to stop that and only see each other on weekends if need be. I love him to death, and he tells me he loves me too and I just want to be there for him instead of making him do this on his own. We are having some space for the week however he has agreed to sit and talk with me about things. What are some things I can say to help him understand that it doesn’t have to be like this? He came and got his things this morning, we sat and talked for a little and I asked him; “do you want to leave?” And he said “no, but I have to because Dad needs me back at home for things” and then he hugged me and left. I truly love him and I want to try and work things out. I want to help him get a job. Find money and overcome his illness. Any advice would be appreciated.

Purple_butterfly_89 Looking for some kind of reasoning
  • replies: 1

My ex broke up with me a year ago (he gets anxious and it seems that he just ran from our relationship when it started to get serious….I am guessing, never really had much of an explanation over the whole situation. I was aware of his history with de... View more

My ex broke up with me a year ago (he gets anxious and it seems that he just ran from our relationship when it started to get serious….I am guessing, never really had much of an explanation over the whole situation. I was aware of his history with depression and anxiety before the relationship happened. After the break up, we tried to maintain a friendship and, at times he was leading me on. After a couple of months later I said something that he may have found hurtful. He never said anything to me and a week after this he blocked me on social media everywhere, which was quite hurtful to me. I don’t know if it was what I said that prompted him to do it or something else. My mental health went downhill quickly after this. I was an absolute mess. I kept putting him before me, even when we weren’t in a relationship anymore. When he started to spiral, he blamed work and said it wasn’t me. This went on for about 3 days and he seemed to be ok again for a couple of days and then started spiralling again. He found it hard to talk to me. He kept apologising. I asked him a week into this if he still wanted to be with me and he said that he did. I attempted to have a talk but he said that he just can’t talk about it. With that, conversation over. I should have seen the red flags but I didn’t. I just seemed to trust what he was saying to me. It was 2.5 weeks from the start of the spiral to the break up and he was hurtful a few times but I always put him first and put my own needs aside. It was starting to make me anxious, but I was always kind, respectful and caring. During the break up to now, I have said 2 things to him that he may have found hurtful (was probably a little bit immature of me). Then I hear that some people yell and scream and hate each other during a break up and I wonder why I get this kind of treatment when I have done barely anything to him. Perhaps I should have done that as I may have gotten some answers and he ended up leaving my life. Any attempts to message him has pushed him further away (I have tried 3 times over the space of 8 months, 1 time he responded to a message with 1 line and another 2 times I was completely ignored with the last attempt resulting in me being blocked on his phone) and he pushed our mutual friends away. I guess you can say that he is a runner and doesn’t confront anything in the hope that problems just go away. I never really got an explanation on anything.

spaceboots Boundaries, Family Estrangement and Disownment
  • replies: 12

Hi, I was recently confronted by my father for the personal boundaries I had put in place to protect my children and myself from my mother, who I believe suffers from undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. While I am understanding and accept he... View more

Hi, I was recently confronted by my father for the personal boundaries I had put in place to protect my children and myself from my mother, who I believe suffers from undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. While I am understanding and accept her for who she is because she had a very traumatic childhood, I am not willing to allow her to emotionally and psychologically manipulate and abuse my kids (fighting and screaming with my father in front of them, swearing in front of them and trying to play favourites between them). As a result of these boundaries, I have become emotionally distant from my parents, do not allow my children to be with their grandparents alone, and we do not visit their home as they have made it clear that we are not welcomed. My parents see this as a grave insult for the life sacrifices they have made for me; accused me of being ungrateful, and disagreed that their behaviour is harmful. They have used their older age (50s and 60s) and their culture as reasons to ask if they deserve to be treated like strangers and criminals. Long story short, I told them that my children need to be protected and that if I had to choose, I choose my children over them. They believe I chose myself and "my way" of doing things. At the end of the conversation, my father told me that every choice has a consequence, and that the consequences of my choice means that we are now strangers. He doesn't feel that "strangers should benefit" from the financial success that he and my mother built together, and we can now be "exes" and should only communicate on a "need-to" basis. He emphasized that he was not using money to manipulate me, but has no other choice and believes that this is the normal "human response". He also added that should he or my mother pass away, that they will not inform me and I will not need to attend their funeral. I told him that he had a right to his decisions, but my door was always open if they changed their minds and want to get help (family therapy). Obviously this has been a very distressing event for me but I want to know, what happens now? How can I respond in a loving way when I feel so betrayed and angry? Did they HAVE to do this? Was I wrong in setting boundaries? Why can't they hear me? Is it better now that my parents have disowned me? Why bring up the fact that they wouldn't tell me if they passed away? Is this another manipulative abusive tactic? What is the best thing to do? Thanking you in advance.

That_Weird_Chic Always Feel Like a Disappointment to My Parent
  • replies: 5

Hey, I always try my hardest at the things I'm passionate about and want to do well in. At school I'm constantly trying to get through the next class. I enjoy it but it feels like there's something missing. I always feel like I could do better. I'm c... View more

Hey, I always try my hardest at the things I'm passionate about and want to do well in. At school I'm constantly trying to get through the next class. I enjoy it but it feels like there's something missing. I always feel like I could do better. I'm constantly studying or practicing my instruments or doing assignments. When I get home I do my homework and have some downtime. Then when my parents get home, they are yelling at me that jobs aren't done or that I haven't ridden my horse or some other reason. There is always something wrong. When I try and do the job I do it wrong or haven't done it well enough. I just feel like I am constantly letting down my parents. That I'm a constant disappointment. Even when I do something and I'm proud of myself or when I know I haven't done well, they keep on telling me what I can do better or what they'd do differently. I feel like I'm a constant disappointment. They treat me differently from my other siblings to. They're always nicer to them, more patient, more forgiving, more lenient. I wake up early then the others and I always hear my parents go to their rooms, knock quietly and tell them to wake up nicely but when they come to my room they slam my door open and half yell at me to get up. I'm the first one read for school waiting for the others. They take their time but whenever I'm running the tiniest bit late, they are yelling at me to hurry up. It's like a constant cycle. Everyday I feel like a disappointment to my parents. Never doing anything right. Never doing enough. Never doing the right thing. I just want to feel like my parents are proud. That they are proud to say that I am their child. That they are happy with who I am. That they feel like I am worthy to be their child. I just don't know how, or even why. I don't know that if I ever won't feel this way. Does anyone have any advice?

hanmnro He works a lot and I’m constantly lonely.
  • replies: 1

Hello all, My partner and I live together but don’t actually do much together. He works all weekend, and a few week split shifts. So we’ll get about 3 and a half days together through the week. When we are together we’ll just hang around the house be... View more

Hello all, My partner and I live together but don’t actually do much together. He works all weekend, and a few week split shifts. So we’ll get about 3 and a half days together through the week. When we are together we’ll just hang around the house because he’s so tired and that’s completely understandable!! But it’s very hard Here are my troubles.. 1. by doing things through the week we miss out on any chance to do family get togethers, friends party’s, any socialising basically. 2. I also don’t work because I have deep depression and anxiety, so even going to family things alone, I can’t do unless I’m just with my parents, as I’m an only child. I find it very hard to talk about myself, and I also have weight problems that affect my mental health. 3. He works so hard to keep a roof over our heads and I pay for bills and food. I am so thankful for all he does and I try to remind him of that each day. Unfortunately it means I’m left to do a lot around the house but I’m always tired and achy, due to my health. I try to do some things but it’s a real struggle. 4. We struggle with money, and it’s very stressful, we are looking to move somewhere cheaper, but power rates keep getting higher and bills are becoming more expensive. 5. Last but not least, I am SO lonely. I’m almost isolated from life, I don’t really have friends, and I never get invited to things. I can’t remember the last time someone asked if I wanted to do ex:cinema/food.. anything with them. The longer I don’t socialise, the more alien I feel, and I get awkward in social interactions.. it’s horrible, because I used to be so bubbly! I’m starting to resent my life and it’s becoming unbearable. if anyone has any advice on any of my problems, please help! Thank you in advance and bless you!

Guest4467 Unsure whether to cancel DVO
  • replies: 4

Hi, i have been struggling a lot since the break up of my partner who was my best friend and we did everything together. We lived together, exercised together, worked together. He was my true other half he told me he wanted to be single after we brok... View more

Hi, i have been struggling a lot since the break up of my partner who was my best friend and we did everything together. We lived together, exercised together, worked together. He was my true other half he told me he wanted to be single after we broke up, I found out already that he has moved on. It really really hurts. And we live in a small coastal town where running into each other is inevitable and I have seen him, but now I have to to worry about seeing them as a couple. Worst. anyway, he has been up to something in the last week cancelling my car insurance twice, saying it has been sold..(the car and policy in my name but somehow he could still access the policy) i went to the police bc I have had enough of his bullying tactics. I went to the police in May and they recommended I take out a dvo against him (death threats, emotional abuse) but I was so afraid of him I said no. Now I am so petrified of going to court that I just want to cancel the order. My hair is falling out, my skin condition has come back with a vengeance. I’m just wondering, is this even all worth it??? I have said some pretty nasty things to him as well. do I stick with it and the continued stress or just let it go?