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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_598 No contact and anxiety
  • replies: 5

Hello, I am currently on a no contact break with my partner. We care about each other a lot but he has a hard time getting through something personal and so we decided not to be together and not to talk so he has all the time to focus on himself. I a... View more

Hello, I am currently on a no contact break with my partner. We care about each other a lot but he has a hard time getting through something personal and so we decided not to be together and not to talk so he has all the time to focus on himself. I am fully supportive because I love him a lot but I am getting really anxious about the no contact phase. I am wondering whether he is thinking about me at all or whether he may lose his feelings for me. How should I deal with this and has anyone ever had experience with this. I try to read about it but there is only information about no contact with ex boyfriends. We are not exes and we had zero problems, we just have to have this break. We have not been together for a year yet but we have had a great relationship. He just needs to deal with his personal issues. Is it possible that he thinking of me but wants to make this work really well? He is very determined, so i could imagine he is trying his best to focus on what he needs to do. But I am scared about not knowing.

auschic How to deal with someone who emotionally withdraws
  • replies: 2

This feels like a complicated issue, so I'm hoping I can get some advice on how to deal with it. I'll start off by saying I'm in a long term relationship with someone I love. Our relationship is great most of the time however emotional scars are star... View more

This feels like a complicated issue, so I'm hoping I can get some advice on how to deal with it. I'll start off by saying I'm in a long term relationship with someone I love. Our relationship is great most of the time however emotional scars are starting to surface and I'm feeling lost on how to deal with it. Some back story: my partner and I went through a rough patch at some point in our relationship. It was at a time when we were both emotionally immature and didn't know how to control our emotions properly. Minor arguments would suddenly turn into explosive, angry attacks. Things would get thrown and broken. Temper would rise. Voices would yell, scream and shout. Tears would flow. It would escalate and get very intense. Like two raging fires with gasoline on top. We knew this was a problem and did our best to fix our issues. Through talking we identified alot of hidden resentment and communication issues that had caused our arguments to get so intense. Once we got to the root of the problem our relationship got back on track and we've been great ever since. Things are calm and happy, it's nice. We both feel emotionally stronger. However, there's one issue. We don't argue often but when it does happen and I do have a legitimate concern to talk about, my partner shuts down. At any sign of me getting emotional about a topic he shuts down. He goes cold and distant and it hurts. Even if he is in the wrong and his the one who has hurt me and I have tried to discuss it, he will shut down. This is so hurtful for me because all I want to do is do the right thing and communicate but he just withdraws. It seems like he doesn't care about me at all. I brought this up with him and he says he shuts down because when he gets emotional he makes things worse so he becomes cold to deal with it. He said it's like a emotional callus his built because of our bad arguments in the past so if it happens again it doesn't affect him as much. His basically desensitzed himself but as a consequence he has become emotionally withdrawn. It makes sense but at the same time it's worrying because were not who we used to be anymore. Is this permanent damage? How can it be fixed? I feel Like We're being held back.

ElleG Husband incarcerated - trying to maintain relationships
  • replies: 14

My partner of 20 years has recently been arrested and charged with an offence. He is being held without bail. He has never put a toe out of line in his life, is not a violent person, barely even raises his voice. Alcohol was involved in this incident... View more

My partner of 20 years has recently been arrested and charged with an offence. He is being held without bail. He has never put a toe out of line in his life, is not a violent person, barely even raises his voice. Alcohol was involved in this incident (he is not a drinker). I and my family, our friends etc support him but he may serve a jail sentence. We have a 5 year old. I am trying to process this all, seeing a counsellor. I am still in shock I think - I am sure that feelings of anger will come at some point. I want to know how to best maintain a marriage when one partner is away for an extended period like this. And especially when a small child is involved. Can anyone offer any advice? Or has anyone been through something similar? I want to know there will be a light at the end of this (long) tunnel. Also appreciate any self care tips - I am struggling to eat and sleep. Thankyou x

Eddie27 When to let go?
  • replies: 42

Hi all, My partner of 12 years had become increasingly alcohol dependent over the last 3 or so years, with it increasing moreso over the last 6 months. She has a high profile/high stress job, but is also highly functioning and doesn't see it as an is... View more

Hi all, My partner of 12 years had become increasingly alcohol dependent over the last 3 or so years, with it increasing moreso over the last 6 months. She has a high profile/high stress job, but is also highly functioning and doesn't see it as an issue. I didn't act on it as in the past it has caused arguments, she was always a happy drunk, but would become irritating as we wouldn't be in the same head space. To deal with her work stress, I would try and plan trips to force a 'work-life' balance. This had been working well as we could spend quality time together. However, in January of this year on holidays it wasn't the same- I could feel her stress and would let her drink as it seemed to immediately ease her conflict, but I would then become agitated in her company. Six weeks ago, we had a major fight and she repeatedly told me I wasn't there for her when she needed me and I was very cold towards her. She was probably correct with her analysis, but I felt I never saw her with her working hours and when I did see her it was always with alcohol. She said she felt traumatized after our fight and moved out. Initially for a few days and then came back, but now its been about a month. She says she cant come back to our house as it's too emotional and she is not in love with me anymore. I feel we've neglected our relationship and both have some work to do on ourselves. I dont have strong family or social support networks as we did absolutely everything together. My family is also interstate. She has strong family connections and has recently signed up to dating/social sites, with the intention to move on. She has also been spending more time at work social events. I'm staying in our house, but I cant sleep, Im emotional, irrational and cant stop crying or thinking about the situation and starting to feel quite depressed. I am getting help for sleep and anxiety issues but my therapist is currently away. I don't want to give up on our relationship, as I still love her and know that she is my soul mate. But, if she doesn't feel the same and cant come home, what do I do? Do I give her space and focus on getting myself together and continue hanging on to hope that she might come back? or do I accept that it's over and she will never come back, as she 'cant promise anything'? I feel like she is seeing someone else, but I could also be paranoid. I do feel totally alone and confused. Thanks for listening

Smokeydangerous Self righteous family member
  • replies: 3

My partners mother died recently, very sudden and out of the blue, she was not sick at all. Just went to sleep and didn't wake up. As yet, there has been no will, or final wishes found. His brother, who is the second oldest sibling (sister being the ... View more

My partners mother died recently, very sudden and out of the blue, she was not sick at all. Just went to sleep and didn't wake up. As yet, there has been no will, or final wishes found. His brother, who is the second oldest sibling (sister being the oldest) has taken it upon himself to organize and direct EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. There are 6 siblings all up. One of which is completely disabled and needs full time care (deceased mother was full time carer). His brother ALWAYS been a self righteous and narcissistic person. And this shocking and traumatic event of their mother passing away, has made him 200% worse. Sending nasty, abusing messages to my partner, which are completely unwarranted. Making threats over the estate. Really nasty stuff. It is like his brother believes that he is the only one that has lost his mother. I was just wondering what people's thoughts are on how to deal with this situation. My partner is going through hell.

Chickem100 friendship anxiety
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I think I just need to get something off my chest. I'm a 38 year old happily married man who has over the last few months has developed a really good friendship with a work colleague, we chat almost everyday and have spoken openly about many ... View more

Hi all, I think I just need to get something off my chest. I'm a 38 year old happily married man who has over the last few months has developed a really good friendship with a work colleague, we chat almost everyday and have spoken openly about many things. The issue I'm finding is that I want to talk to her everyday and when I don't talk to her I get overally anxious and then don't want to message her in case I'm being annoying and then she stops talking to me, which I know seems odd as we chat all the time. The other confusing issue here is that she's been going on dates and asking for my advice and telling me all about them, which is fine but now I'm worried that if she gets into a relationship I'll be forgotten about. I want to be able to not worry about what she's doing, who's shes with or why she hasn't told me something. I know this sounds like I have feelings for her and as a friend I adore her but maybe worrying about her and our friendship speaks otherwise? Being married with a child means that I would never consider the other option and I'm sure she doesn't have the same feelings for me. The thoughts of does she like me as a friend as much as I do her keep going through my head, I fee that maybe a break from social media could be a start as I don't see what shes up to. As for my marriage I'm finding when my wife does something I don't like, I think that my friend wouldn't be like that and I'm comparing the 2 which I know isn't fair. I feel like I'm in a pattern where I can't get to just being a great friend to her without having all this excess baggage and the constant anxiety of wondering when these feelings will end and I can go back to having friends and being happy. I appreciate any advice you can provide. Cheers.

Rafa1200 I’ve done it his time
  • replies: 2

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. Overall we’ve created a happy and loving life together for us and our two young boys 3.5 and 1.5. I have a habit though of leaving the family house when things don’t go the way I think they should. I’m not... View more

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. Overall we’ve created a happy and loving life together for us and our two young boys 3.5 and 1.5. I have a habit though of leaving the family house when things don’t go the way I think they should. I’m not talking about just to cool down either. I have done it 3 times for about a week at a time. I don’t want to and I regret it nearly instantly and it’s not because I don’t love my wife or the kids. I was brought up by my father and he had alcohol and aggression issues but I do not share those patterns with my family. The previous two times were around the time my second boy was born. One involved a purely plutonic relationship I had struck up with a woman overseas that I now realise was an act of cheating on my wife even though I didn’t at the time. The second time was when we found out my wife was pregnant again right after I got the snip. I knew it would be hard for us and I didn’t want to go through that financially etc at the time. Of course now I know she was right and he is the most awesome little baby. Both times I came back and we worked on things. I thought successfully but these have building up in her and she sent me an email outlining her feelings. Once again I ‘freaked out’ and left. This time though she has said it’s the end. I know it is my actions that have brought us here but just when everything is going so well (just got on top of finances, boys are letting us sleep 7 hours a night etc) I have lost the only thing that means anything to me and I don’t know how to handle the feelings I am having. Any advice would be appreciated..

WAGal Long term friendship help - scared to confront her
  • replies: 4

How would you approach a friend in this situation? Last Christmas my best mate presented me with the opportunity to heal from an ongoing stressful situation where I was at my lowest point mentally, taking the highest dosage of meds and trying to hold... View more

How would you approach a friend in this situation? Last Christmas my best mate presented me with the opportunity to heal from an ongoing stressful situation where I was at my lowest point mentally, taking the highest dosage of meds and trying to hold everything together by single parenting my 2 kids, studying part-time and working full time. When I and the kids came up north to holiday last year (she lives here; happily married etc), she was very concerned about my mental health and when I said, at my lowest point, ‘I don’t think I can face going back home’ (looking back rationally, I feel it was a panic attack) she said ‘so don’t’ and long story short I stayed here. She helped me tie up loose ends at home with the house etc. My daughter stayed with me but my son – who is in year 10 – begged me to let him go back home and live with my folks and keep going to his high school. I let him and it’s the hardest thing I’ve done. Even though he’s doing well at school and life, he has asked me numerous times to please come home - my parents aren't enough for him (in terms of parenting and support). He is a very mature kid and understands the reasons I made such a knee jerk reaction but now that the dust is settling, I don’t know how much longer I can continue to live here. Its isolated and ts not for me long term. But. I’ve healed. I’ve sought counselling, am completely off meds and have really landed on my feet. The downside is I miss my son terribly and now that I am doing a lot of self-reflecting I am starting to miss home. I and my daughter want to return. My mate, unfortunately, has said on 2 occasions she does not support this and if I went back she would never forgive me or speak to me again. And now, I find myself where I always seem to find myself – forgoing what I want to make others happy/to not rock the boat. Apparently, my going back home is going ‘backwards’. I actually got a ‘don’t be stupid!’ when I mentioned it the other day. Apparently, I’ll be back to my anxiety and what I was before - riddled with mental health issues. I’m seriously looking for any kind of advice – does my friend have a point? Of course, I want to do what is right by my kids and me as a family but I also need to factor in my mental health. How on earth do I approach her – and risk losing 20 plus years of friendship!? I get where shes coming from - shes concerned I'll end up in the state I was before but I feel like I'm being manipulated. Thanks for getting this far

Jellis2411 Living with a physical dissability and no support
  • replies: 4

So, I know I'm fed up with how much pain I'm in on a regular basis, and I'm fed up with long it took a health care professionals to advise of my broken spine. I feel not only do doctors not take me seriously, but neither does my husband. I should not... View more

So, I know I'm fed up with how much pain I'm in on a regular basis, and I'm fed up with long it took a health care professionals to advise of my broken spine. I feel not only do doctors not take me seriously, but neither does my husband. I should not be lifting or bending or sitting, I can stand or lay down that's it. I have explained my symptoms to my husband millions of times, but he fails to have foresight in regards to my well being. I'll ask him to put away my laundry, hell cut me off and say its mine so I should do it, I have to verbally fight back to remind him of how much pain I'm in. And he will go and hide in the computer room,or crack it at me and ignore me for 24 hours and pretend it never happened, but I want to talk about it with him for the sake of our relationship, he will repeat the above again. so if I need anything I have to msg him online and text, wait a few minutes, and call him. He won't hear me calling out because he "needs his noise cancelling headphones on ". Is anyone experiencing anything like this? I'm feeling so sad and isolated by everything I'm going threw and I have literally no one to talk to about this except my psychologist. Again, I can't talk to my husband because he takes offence and ignores me. I'll be getting surgery soon, I'll loose the ability to walk temporarily, I am so scared for my well being whilst under recovery because I truly feel I don't have any one to help me. The only positive I have is once I've recovered I won't need to rely on him and he'll be much happier.

Farfaraway Monogamy is it societies Achilles heal?
  • replies: 17

So I like most men an unhappy with the intimacy in our relationship. its been going on and getting worse as the years drag on. Too tired, tto stressed, I don't feel sexy (She is hot as a bikini model) But if im really honest, its not just the sex, it... View more

So I like most men an unhappy with the intimacy in our relationship. its been going on and getting worse as the years drag on. Too tired, tto stressed, I don't feel sexy (She is hot as a bikini model) But if im really honest, its not just the sex, its total lack of intimacy. It's stuff like I can't sit on the lounge and hug my wife, if we go for a walk it's only her walk, not where I want to go? If i put something on TV I want to watch, she leaves the room. But its the sex thats the killer. I only feel whole, when we make love. Bit that doesnt happen any more. So then i question my self, am I good enough, is she into me, is this how the rest of my life will be, just a constant hollow existence of empty self doubt? Now I don't think my wife should have to be intimate, if she doesn't want to be. It's her body and her choice, I don't want her to do me favors. Infact for a while I began to think I was becoming impotent? I knew she wasn't into it, so I blamed myself. I started buying toys, i thought I was inadequate, I thought I didn't please her. How could I think anything but that, she would always be tired or stressed, yet would stay up watching tv hours after i went to bed?? I suggest she come to bed early and would be snapped at. We went on a holiday and nothing changed.......... but I thought it was the stress, the tiredness? yet 2 weeks on a tropical island made no difference? When we got home after being away I touched her and was snapped at again. I broke, i told her Im leaving before I end up cheating and am labeled that bastard! She freaked out, best sex ever that night, next day, beautiful texts exchanged between us, we were back. I come home on cloud 9 just wanting to sit with her, watch TV, cuddle, stroke her hair. But she won't sit with me? Im not allowed to hug her? I go to bed two hours early and she stays up and watches tv? 5 days later, its the same. Nothing will change, she just isn't into sex. But Im am, we see a councillor in a few days, my doing, last ditch effort. I love her but I can't live like this. This is an empty life. I'll never meet anyone as hot as her, I know that, she truly is stunning, but she kills my soul. Im tied up in knots I'm so strung out. I wonder if an open relationship is the answer, she shouldn't have to be intimate, but I shouldn't have to be devoid of affection? Am I wrong? I believe this is the problem with todays society. Men and women are just different. When will we accept that?