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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Justo1991 Helping a friend
  • replies: 3

Hi. A friend of mine is not doing well and I can't seem to help. I'm fairly sure she has depression. She often talks about how she can't get over her ex, she doesn't know what career she wants, shes not confident in herself. Last two times I messaged... View more

Hi. A friend of mine is not doing well and I can't seem to help. I'm fairly sure she has depression. She often talks about how she can't get over her ex, she doesn't know what career she wants, shes not confident in herself. Last two times I messaged her she said she isnt doing well and just wants to be left alone. I don't think this is good, I don't believe she would try anyth but I think she needs to talk to me or better yet, a professional. I have mentioned a few times that I'm here for her and to call me anytime. We both volunteer in the same emergency services unit. Should I wait till shes ready or suggest we catchup and have a chat?

70gsmpaper My two closest friends had an affair with each other, not coping with the change in our relationships
  • replies: 4

I have a small social group, around half a dozen people, but there's two people in that group I've known for over 10 years that I would put in the "close friend" category. We've been to each other's weddings, gone overseas together multiple times, st... View more

I have a small social group, around half a dozen people, but there's two people in that group I've known for over 10 years that I would put in the "close friend" category. We've been to each other's weddings, gone overseas together multiple times, started (and closed) businesses together and been friends for almost all of our mid-20s to mid-30s. They're some of the few people besides family I'd drop everything for if they needed me and would go out of my way to assist with whatever they needed. Yesterday I found out those two friends have been having an affair with each other for the past 2 months that's dissolved one of their marriages. I only found out because one of them mentioned they're looking for a new place to live, so I asked why they're doing that and they explained what's been going on. In the 2 month period we've met in person fortnightly and they never mentioned it to me and I didn't notice any major change in how we all interacted (in hindsight, there were probably subtle signs). It's all come as a massive surprise to me as some other people in our friendship group knew, but not me. I don't feel it was deliberately kept away from me, but rather they simply didn't consider me a close enough friend to share that type of information with. I feel quite hurt about it and also embarrassed I wasn't aware of this major life changing event of the two people I care about most. I thought we had an equal relationship, where I was as open with them as they were with me, but now it looks like I placed a much higher value on that friendship that they did on my friendship. I also feel guilty that whilst they were having difficulty in their relationships, they turned to other people in our friendship group instead of me. I'm not sure how I should feel to be honest. They don't owe me anything, nor is is it mandatory for them to share every aspect of their lives with me, but I still I feel hurt that they didn't - is that an appropriate feeling? Should I be happy that my two favourite people in the world have found something that works for them on a level more than friendship? I also feel like the status of our 3-way relationship has now changed where they have this incredible bond and I'm just an accessory to that. Thinking about meeting up with them in person again makes me feel very awkward as I never thought of them in any kind of romantic relationship, it's almost like imaging your brother and sister making out. Should I even mention any of how I feel with them?

Elsam Help! Opinions please
  • replies: 1

I have recently left my husband of nearly 25 years at the end of August. He forced me to leave by lying to the police and he had me arrested for assault which never happened and they was not allowed to go back home. I left him at the end of August an... View more

I have recently left my husband of nearly 25 years at the end of August. He forced me to leave by lying to the police and he had me arrested for assault which never happened and they was not allowed to go back home. I left him at the end of August and have got my own apartment. We have not spoken a word to or seen each other since the the 25th August. Last night while minding my own business he sent through a love song from a You Tube link, I just ignored the video clip. This morning he sent a text message: Have a nice day Let me know about dinner Love you I thought about replying and waited till late this afternoon and sent a response: Message sent to the wrong woman?? His reply: Can you please pass my messages to her, I’m sure you know her, tell her I love her when you give her my messages. Also, tell her I want to hug her. I would like to see others opinions about this? It is doing my head in and I am feeling devastated. This message I am not sure about, not sure if it was meant for me or if he sent it to me by mistake instead of the other woman??? Why would he say Let me know about dinner if he has never mentioned anything about dinner to me. Have a nice day Let me know about dinner Love you I feel as though his reply he is just trying to cover his tracks??? Why couldn’t he say he loves me or that he misses me or that he wants us to be happy?? Can you please pass my messages to her, I’m sure you know her, tell her I love her when you give her my messages. Also, tell her I want to hug her. It was all her!! It doesn’t make sense! I feel as though he got caught out by sending me the text which was really for the other woman and is just trying to cover his ass!!! Would be interested in any other opinions. Thank you

Eleventwo Family breakdown
  • replies: 8

Almost a month ago I learnt something that completely shattered my family. It was a secret that some had known for many years, some for a couple of years, some for months and others for a couple of weeks. I was the last to know yet the one it affecte... View more

Almost a month ago I learnt something that completely shattered my family. It was a secret that some had known for many years, some for a couple of years, some for months and others for a couple of weeks. I was the last to know yet the one it affected the most. The cause of it was my husbands fault yet I find myself forgiving him and our relationship of 33 years continues. My problem is that I feel so much anger towards my sister and her family because of the way the news was broken to me. It was the day before my birthday, I had travelled across the world for what I thought was a holiday of a lifetime, they chose that time to tell me. They knew I had been planning and booking hotels etc , I feel ridiculed because they all knew the holiday wasn't going to happen. Why do I feel more angry about this than the actual issue? I feel so betrayed by my whole family, my husband included, although I find I can forgive him but no one else. I understand this might be hard to give advice on without explaining the whole issue, but I just want to get rid of this anger, anxiety and sleeplessness, I can't see an end to it.

Anonymous2109 My partner cheated on a perfect relationship
  • replies: 3

Hi, My partner and I have been together for nearly 9 months. A couple of weeks ago my best friend had told me that a mutual friend of ours had been receiving innapropriate messages from my him. I asked to check his phone (he NEVER has had any reserva... View more

Hi, My partner and I have been together for nearly 9 months. A couple of weeks ago my best friend had told me that a mutual friend of ours had been receiving innapropriate messages from my him. I asked to check his phone (he NEVER has had any reservations about me checking his phone and never hides his phone e.g. always has it out at the dinner table when we're together etc) and I didn't see any messages. My best friend then supplied me with the screenshots which basically revealed him begging this girl to come over to his house, and making comments about how comfy his bed is, despite her saying no several times. Now the weirdest part is he's only met this girl once, she's never given him any signs she was even remotely interested (judging by the messages they shared), and he knows for a fact that this girl is a lesbian, in a committed relationship, and both she and her girlfriend run in my social group?!?! Anyways after many tears and fights I decided to stay with him if only he could explain why he did it. He blurted out that it was to seek acceptance from her. Him and I have had a PERFECT relationship and I know he loves me to death considering he gives me ALL his time, energy, affection and love 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week. He treats me like an absolute queen ALL the time. Because of how great he is to me, I make an effort to always tell and show him how much I adore and appreciate him too. He has been an absolute perfect boyfriend to me and never betrayed my trust or even upset me until this point. He's an all round respectful person to everyone he comes across, and everyone in his life (his and my friends and family) think this is completely out of character for him. He is adopted, and has loving adopted parents, however he feels as though they are often unsupportive of his goals in life and this demotivates him, perhaps making him feel unaccepted. Also I notice that he is a chameleon, changing himself to please others. E.g. if he plays his favourite song/wants to go somewhere and someone says they don't like it, he will start bagging out the song/place too. He says he does this because he's afraid to be perceived as difficult or be unliked. He is also incredibly hard on himself when he fails at something, even if its no big deal. He'll call himself degrading names and become defeated. I can see that he wants to change, and is already taking small steps to be more assertive. Does anyone have tips on how I can work on these issues with him?

roadtoselflove86 Daughter of an narcissistic mother
  • replies: 2

I am a 33 year old female who was raised by a narcissistic mother. She was and is a hard woman to please hardly anything I ever did was good enough or to her high standards. Growing up she had high expectations of me which a majority of the time were... View more

I am a 33 year old female who was raised by a narcissistic mother. She was and is a hard woman to please hardly anything I ever did was good enough or to her high standards. Growing up she had high expectations of me which a majority of the time were not healthy. She was not affectionate in showing love. During my teens is when I realised that her love was conditional. My narcissistic mother always jumped at the chance to boast to others taking credit for my successes/achievements in my life. The last past 3 years when I still lived with my narcissistic mother most of time I use to argue with her as she was too controlling and did not respect me, my boundaries or my belongings. It felt suffocating as she would always threaten me verbally or physically (which I stood up for myself). She has made me think and feel guilty as to why she is the way she is. I dreaded going on outings with her as most of the time she would jokingly/intentionally say negative comments about me in front of family, friends even strangers. As of April this year I put my foot down and ‘broke the chains’ and finally decided to move out from staying with her (narcissistic mother) and move back to my Dads. Now that I have set boundaries I try and limit my contact with her. I have come to the realisation that she can not change. I know the daughter, mother relationship we had/have is tumultuous and toxic. I’m slowly regaining my ‘self’ my journey to being healed is an ongoing process that will take time, as I know I will have to learn/relearn healthy habits for the betterment of my mind, body and soul.

Blue_ocean My husband cheated with a prostitute
  • replies: 7

Hello I'm married 13 years. . My husband whom I love very much went away on a boys trip got drunk and went to a brothel. He hasn't admitted to it but his search history said he searched for brothels on the night he got completely drunk with his mates... View more

Hello I'm married 13 years. . My husband whom I love very much went away on a boys trip got drunk and went to a brothel. He hasn't admitted to it but his search history said he searched for brothels on the night he got completely drunk with his mates. Hos maps app says he asked for directions to get there. His mates ... They are all married. He has lied to me before and I believe in my heart that this isn't the first time. I'm lost destroyed heartbroken depressed and suffer bad anxiety. I'm so scared and find it hard to get out of bed. I have 3 young children and look at them And tell myself you have to pick yourself up and get up and look after your family and then I get hot and cold shivers and become sick ... I eat and throw up. I love my husband and believe Im a great wife I look after the house cook clean and run after the kids homework activities etc. I also work. I'm so destroyed when I'm near him I feel secure and when I'm away from him I get angry and emotional. I have thoughts of leaving him and I cant see myself alone without him raising our kids. I don't want to be without him and I'm struggling to find reasons to be with him. It's a nightmare. I say to myself put it behind you and move forward and it works for a day then I'm back to being helpless. I'm overwhelmed with responsibilities at the moment. Im just so lost and have no one to speak with.

Struggler99 Feel like I've got no one to talk to about my ideas
  • replies: 2

I get it. We all have our own priorities, commitments and schedules in life. I do too as well. I've been exercising, eating well, reading and meditating to develop a positive, resilient mindset. I'm striving to cultivate a disciplined, purposeful lif... View more

I get it. We all have our own priorities, commitments and schedules in life. I do too as well. I've been exercising, eating well, reading and meditating to develop a positive, resilient mindset. I'm striving to cultivate a disciplined, purposeful life. But one thing I seem to have a problem with is finding time to talk with my few chosen friends. I have few friends because I like to see them more as mentors and role models than leisure friendships. I'd like to learn from them and keep myself accountable on what I do. But them being few, they are often busy with their own commitments. That I have no problem with. More than that, I'm not really into "usual" mates or friends' night out. I'd rather go to restaurants, cinemas, museums or libraries than bars or nightclubs to hang out with people. I prefer these places than bars or nightclubs even though I can make it there. What really gets me going is talking about deep, meaningful conversations often centred around philosophy, spirituality, politics, culture and history. I feel like no one will get me if I start talking about Plato, Marcus Aurelius, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard or Solzhenitsyn. These topics are genuinely my own interests, and I don't see myself being "more intelligent" or "intellectual" than other people. Surely, it won't hurt to make a catch-up with at least one person once a week? I'm an introvert, a misanthrope. I have self - respect and understand that some people do their own thing. I'm alone, not lonely. I value human interactions and relationships, just not on a superficial level. I don't think I'll be needing help in making this post. Perhaps your own perspectives and insights so that I may see this "issue" of mine in a different light?

Blackg00 Thirty years of trust gone
  • replies: 3

Hello , today is my thirty year anniversary with my wife. I haven’t wished her any thing and I don’t know if I can right now. A bit over a year ago I received almost a hundred thousand dollars from a will. We had decided to finally buy a house with t... View more

Hello , today is my thirty year anniversary with my wife. I haven’t wished her any thing and I don’t know if I can right now. A bit over a year ago I received almost a hundred thousand dollars from a will. We had decided to finally buy a house with the money as a deposit. That fell through as my wife had fines , unpaid debts and multiple loans of which I knew nothing about of about 36 thousand , so we paid them out. Still no massive problem we both worked and we were saving . Then my wife got a new car $20k ok she needed a better car but we still had 40k in the bank. A few more bills and it was down to 30k , but these things happen. Then a bout six months ago my wife got sick and for the most part couldn’t work , I felt better knowing we had money in the bank to cover bills etc that was until the end of September when I finally looked into the account. My wife had spent 24k plus her sick pay and holiday pay and there was 6k left . That soon went on bills that she hadn’t paid . I am angry, frustrated and I cannot tell my family of what she has done , she just says she needed to escape and the money was her escape from her pain . I don’t know what to do , marriage is for life , just when I thought there was stability and a safety net , my partner threw it to the wind. Now it looks like she will never be able to work again , I am already working 60 hours a week for not a lot of money , it’s not like I am a young man at 52 years , but I cannot keep it up till I retire so I am at a loss of what to do. At this stage I am unwilling to give up on thirty years of marriage, but she betrayed us to the deepest core and it hurts me every time I look at her when I know now that she needs me more than ever. She thinks we will somehow all pull through but has no idea how that will happen , I haven’t had a day that I don’t worry about going under and loosing everything. It is affecting my moods and habits. I don’t talk to her the same way any more , sometimes I just grunt . She just says sorry but without any feeling , and still continues to plan holidays and cruises. I walk away when she starts to try and talk about them . Am I wrong or is thirty years not worth the pain and heartache, richer or poorer sickness and in health , I don’t want to give up , she is not helping with the way she pretends it’s only a minor problem.

Sigismunt Feeling of loss/bitterness/envy regarding the sexual intimacy
  • replies: 2

I am feeling a very harsh loss/bitterness/envy regarding the sexual intimacy. This has led to me having a periods of about 2-4 days of me feeling as if I were ill and no energy, but without any physiological symptoms such as temperature or cough. Thi... View more

I am feeling a very harsh loss/bitterness/envy regarding the sexual intimacy. This has led to me having a periods of about 2-4 days of me feeling as if I were ill and no energy, but without any physiological symptoms such as temperature or cough. This is usually triggered with the thoughts of sex that I crave. Also, I feel *loss* that I haven't had wild hormonal 18-20 yo sex, and can't get over it. I also have other responsibilities such as studying, which I can not fulfil during this period of feeling down. Also, I gave an oath that I will not have any long-term relationships, as a result of one of such down periods (~2 years ago). Otherwise wouldn't consider myself a man for breaking my own word/oath. I am a graduate student, 24 yo. I have had just 2 sexual partners. I have had options in life, showing interest, and kissing, about 6-8 girls (such as confesses/proposals to start relationships, but usually girls changed their mind later). I am very tall, better than average-average on looks, with some pluses and minuses, not ugly, but mb not a model. On a self-reported personality test, I am introverted (low energy, but medium assertiveness), highly neurotic, very highly disagreeable (0th percentile, very true) and high creativity/openness to experience. I am not an easy person, in short - not for myself, nor for others. Not a lot of friends. In the past I have had some psychotic breakouts due to the drug abuse (now clean). I am a child of scandalous divorce, where mother was neurotic (not terribly, but mb some oedipal thing + she had harsh swings of mood), father was absent (emotionally and physically), always away from home working. Mother also died quite some years ago. Before death she cycled between blame me for it, but then to loving. Very nasty dying. I want to understand how I could get the depression feeling under control, so that I could at least have less of these down periods, and ideally eliminate them.