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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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ConfusedNanxious Can I have my happily ever after?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I have posted on here before, and my journey has certainly come in a number of swings and round abouts. After having some time apart from my ex-partner (i.e. no communication and no contact), I have really seen the light and miss him tre... View more

Hi everyone, I have posted on here before, and my journey has certainly come in a number of swings and round abouts. After having some time apart from my ex-partner (i.e. no communication and no contact), I have really seen the light and miss him tremendously. I miss everything, like how he used to make my hot chocolates so perfectly, how he knew I loved to sleep in so many layers and keep incredibly warm. I miss all of it. Some people think I just miss the 'idea' of him, but no, I miss him as the amazing person I know he is. We separated after he refused to seek treatment for his 6 month long battle with depression. However, after we separated, he really took it upon himself to start working on himself. He started going to the gym and eating properly to help with an underlying medical condition (whcih contributed to his depression) and he has been seeing a psychologist to help with his immediate depression, but also tackle some stuff from his childhood and young adulthood (his parents both passed away and he was carer for both of them and did not really receive sibling support during that time). As a result, he developed coping mechanisms that just weren't enabling him to lead a full life. His social life was affected and he had trouble communicating and actively dealing with issues. BUT, these are all things he is working on now. I remember the amazing individual he was before depression took its hold of him, and I am so excited to have him back to the way he was. But I am apprehensive about the permanence of these changes. I know it will be an ongoing process, and I too, have experienced my own mental health issues, but I just want to know whether we can have a happy, fulfilling future. I love him so much, and want to enjoy so much more time with him. I still feel hurt about how I was neglected during his depressive period, but I too, having dealt with anxiety in the past, know that the depression is a separate entity to him. He has promised that he will always keep on top of it, because we have something too good to lose again. I do have to deal with my parents' potential disapproval of our reconciliation, but my heart is leading me to my ex and I cannot ignore it. I need to listen to what I want in this instance. I would love to hear similar stories, or any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just want my happy man back, and it is seeming like it could happen. He felt like my soul mate - I don't want to miss out on this opportunity.

cookiesandcream Adult child treating me bad
  • replies: 2

Hi there, Just seeking some advice. I had a disagreement with my adult child last week. They proceeded to tell me they hate me!. The conversation that this was over was petty and not even worthy of a discussion. However when my daughter said this to ... View more

Hi there, Just seeking some advice. I had a disagreement with my adult child last week. They proceeded to tell me they hate me!. The conversation that this was over was petty and not even worthy of a discussion. However when my daughter said this to me it really cut my heart in half. I know people say things in the heat of the moment, but it's really not what she said, but how she said it, (with anger and spite, like she really meant it). I had to go to work the morning she said this, and I cried all the way to work, (I got myself together when I arrived at work). You would expect that type of behaviour from a teenager, but not a grown woman. This is not just one isolated incidence. She has spoken rudely, mean and made me cry before. Her other siblings are not like this, and she has treated them the same, berated them and made them feel worthless. Both her and her husband are very opinionated, they think they know everything about anything and everything going on in the world, and when we don't conform to their political viewpoints or opinions, we are made to feel stupid and uneducated. I'm saying 'we' as in my husband and other children as she speaks and treats us all the same. I have tried talking to her, but it goes on deaf ears, because while she says she'll 'try' to be better, she always does something again to be opinionated and bossy on. I love her, and I love her strength and determination to believe in her values, but she and her husband never listen to others and just treat us all like we are uneducated imbosoles. I do so much for my kids, the other 3 can vouch for this. I do a lot for her too, but she is just ungrateful and unappreciative. How do I back off in their lives, if they need me? I don't want to be at their beck and call anymore, especially if her and her husband don't treat me with respect. I can be left alone in the room with her husband and he will not strike up a conversation with me, I always have to make the effort. I'm starting to feel that because she (his wife-my daughter) doesn't respect me, he neither does too. I'm starting to feel like they think we are dumb people. any advice please from people who have older grown up children? how to still be good parents but setting boundaries where we are respected.

Magnolia1974 Partner pushing me away - left out of Xmas plans
  • replies: 5

A first time post on here. My partner of just over a year has depression and anxiety. He masks it well and I am the only one who would know. He’s known as a funny, social guy and we have many mutual friends. We met through our outdoor interests and w... View more

A first time post on here. My partner of just over a year has depression and anxiety. He masks it well and I am the only one who would know. He’s known as a funny, social guy and we have many mutual friends. We met through our outdoor interests and were friends before we dated. We are very compatible, have easy conversations for hours on end, and enjoy being together when he’s feeling “all in” and positive. During our time together we have been in a cycle of on/off driven by him. I’ve been all “in” from the start. I have a few family members who have/had severe depression so I have empathy and patience. They have turned corners due to loving partners. I have had a rough patch in the past few years - divorce, moving house, death of my mum, two controlling narcissist relationships. I’ve been able to cope by seeing a psychologist and with help from family and friends. My family live 6 hours away and are busy, so mostly friends are my immediate support. Back to my partner - I assumed I would be spending Xmas lunch with him and his family, as I did last year, when he didn’t have his daughter. However this year he has his daughter and I’m not invited as he doesn’t feel comfortable with me being there. Also his ex-partner will be picking her up and doesn’t want us to meet as it would be “messy”. Are my expectations too high after one year of dating? I am now spending Xmas alone, just my kids in the morning and evening, as is assumed I’d be going to his family lunch. This makes me feel incredibly sad. Xmas is a horrible time for me as it is with loss of family/spouse. We live within 7 mins of each other but with the juggle of kids and shared care, plus my work, we see each other for perhaps a total of 24 hours one week, maybe 12 the next. He is depressed but seems to use this as a reason to not see each other more. He hasn’t been working for over a year and want to establish his own online business. But his procrastination and self-doubt are holding him back. He has told me numerous times he’s not sure about out relationship and me. He says he cycles between seeing a clear future one minute then feeling anxious that I’m not “the one”. Last night he told me he’s still not sure and I should make a decision. When my mum died a man gave up on me and has regret. Do I give up on him or remain patient? I love him very much and know we are highly compatible. I see us being old together. He does too, but at the moment can’t see past tomorrow as his life is uncertain.

Truetomyself Family, friends and understanding
  • replies: 3

I have anxiety and severe depression. I mainly have my counsellor and psychiatrist who help. I have one aunt who completely understands as she has gone through the same as I have her whole life. My family do not understand and I really only have one ... View more

I have anxiety and severe depression. I mainly have my counsellor and psychiatrist who help. I have one aunt who completely understands as she has gone through the same as I have her whole life. My family do not understand and I really only have one friend. But as I have been in hospital. Many people do not want to be friends and have moved away from my life like I have the plague. I hate having my mental illness and would do anything for it to go away. I am struggling as I feel alone. I just want to know how others have maybe dealt with these issues themselves and helped to form friendships. I am in my 30's and I am finding it lonely and hard. I know I have those who I can lean on but I really wish I had more people in my life who are understand me. Thanks

Guest_294 Values, hopes and desires not aligning?
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend (we'll call him B for the sake of the story) for not a long time - coming up to six months now. But it has been an amazing six months. We live together most of the year in college and have pretty much given up ha... View more

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend (we'll call him B for the sake of the story) for not a long time - coming up to six months now. But it has been an amazing six months. We live together most of the year in college and have pretty much given up having our own rooms. As a result, we have become close very quickly. We've since been travelling together to a location that meant our company was isolated to each other and the restaurant staff at our dinners out and it was the most beautiful experience, one I didn't want to end. He is so amazing - he supports me 100% and is my best friend and favourite person. In my head I feel like this could be a longer-term thing. I've never had a relationship last beyond like 3 or 4 months and this one is showing no signs of stopping. We're doing long distance over the holiday and are both just counting the days until we reunite. We speak at least twice a day for hours on end. My point is he is an amazing person and I love him so much and really want this to (and can see it) work. Here is my issue (and it may seem dumb but it's in my head and I can't come to a conclusion): we want different things in the future. We have some goals in alignment. We both want to travel and see the world, we want to get jobs that we love and that give us the opportunity and time to do the other things we envisage for ourselves. But, he doesn't want a family. My entire life, all I have ever been certain about, is the fact that I want to have children - at least one, ideally two. B is convinced that he will never have kids. He considers them a financial weight that he can't bear and is ultimately not a huge fan of kids. At the moment we are both 20 and have shitty part-time jobs that barely constitute a living. He is on government support and I am still largely living off my parents. But at some point in the future I imagine we will both come to a point where we are able to support a family. I know we are young, and early in our relationship. But I am scared. What if I ignore this difference and years down the track we're still together and he still doesn't want kids? At what point can a value-based difference like this be enough to cause concern? I don't want to break up with him at all. Even thinking about it makes me cry. I don't know what I would do without him but I can't tell how long it is reasonable to let that kind of difference sit, without confronting it or discussing? I know this might sound mad but any advice is valued. M.

tanner456 My partner keeps putting me now .. maybe I’m being over sensitive
  • replies: 2

I’ve been with my guy for 8 years and we have one son together.. Our relationship has been great for the most part having a child definitely makes things harder.. Recently I haven’t been feeling connected to him ... an example of our fights start he ... View more

I’ve been with my guy for 8 years and we have one son together.. Our relationship has been great for the most part having a child definitely makes things harder.. Recently I haven’t been feeling connected to him ... an example of our fights start he wanted to go to a work event and told me about it, the next day I asked if food would be provided and he got upset and said “why don’t you ever listen when I say something don’t talk back to me just do it “ He makes a point in very argument to tell me to listen him and just do it (whatever he requests or tells me) then would I do try to respond by saying I’m just trying to start a conversation with you or tell a joke it only makes it worse I feel like I can’t have an opinion and it’s his way or not way with I don’t feel like an equal to him and then get very hurt ... I’ve tired to explain to him but I also get defensive and stubborn which probably doesn’t help any advice? we are recently engaged and I have a fear of being a wife to someone who demands things from me

Penna 43 and perpetually single
  • replies: 8

Im 43 and have never had a single relationship. I’ve never had sex. I’ve had a single blind date over 10yrs ago. I feel ashamed, humiliated and am in fear people will find out. I lie about it. I have down pat stories ready to go of an exboyfriend, lo... View more

Im 43 and have never had a single relationship. I’ve never had sex. I’ve had a single blind date over 10yrs ago. I feel ashamed, humiliated and am in fear people will find out. I lie about it. I have down pat stories ready to go of an exboyfriend, longterm relationship and how it ended, loosing my virginity and other life stories that everyone else has. This only works with people who haven’t known me for too long though. I’m not saving myself till marriage or religious. I don’t think I’m overly ugly. I have many friends. Im comfortable with men. I know I have no self confidence and poor self esteem but this is heightened by failure to be liked by someone romantically. I’ve really liked a few men (and one woman) over the years and have told them and tried to have something happen.....but never happened. Feelings were one sided. People think im a private person and closed book. Im not, I just have nothing to say when conversation is about life with a partner/kids/love/ dating. Is anyone else at all in this situation. I really don’t think anyone is.

Maricia Should I leave or stay for my child? Emotionally distant spouse
  • replies: 7

Hi there, I’ve been married for 7 years and have one child, my husband has always worked away and he came back after our child was born, we instantly had difficulty being around one another as we were not used to it, we also had our son and the stres... View more

Hi there, I’ve been married for 7 years and have one child, my husband has always worked away and he came back after our child was born, we instantly had difficulty being around one another as we were not used to it, we also had our son and the stresses of sleep deprivation, sleepless nights, and not being able to do much as our child was full on, we started to argue, fight about things, my husband has always been emotionally distant, even when I told him I was pregnant he sat there angry for a couple of hours and kept asking me if this was for real, he didn’t hug or congratulate me, since then I felt distant from him. We became more and more distant as we had this child and didn’t spend time together, we both worked hard but forgot about ourselves. I started to workout to get my frustrations and sadness out and met someone and we instantly clicked, we have similar values, morals and are basically exactly the same in every way, he is very caring, nurturing, kind and considerate. My husband altho a hard worker he has never shown me love, and I’ve had no affection from him. He would often see me cook and clean and when he saw me sit down he would ask why am I not cleaning or cooking. I felt very unloved. He was constantly cruel and would never ever appreciate or thank me for my efforts. I come from a traditional family where marriage means ‘for life’ but since I’ve met this person and we’ve become good friends I feel like I need to find happiness again however I am very nervous to leave this marriage due to my child and us being married. I separated from my husband one year ago however we live under the same roof, he wants to make it work but I’ve given up hope. Should I continue to be separated and stop talking to this other person who I feel I may have a future with or should I give this other person a go who is exactly like me, caring, nurturing, kind. Our families are alike too in every possible way hence why we have clicked. We both don’t know what to do but we do realise it may be best to end for our son. I would have never thought I’d ever be in a situation like this ever and here I am. I’ve been so lost. Anyone in the same situation please help!

Emma930 Self confidence and feeling my worth
  • replies: 2

I am really struggling lately with self confidence. Heres the thing, I have been bulled from 9 years old up until I was about 17 and now I'm nearly 20. I have the worst self confidence and have no idea how to remotely fix it. I read things saying "te... View more

I am really struggling lately with self confidence. Heres the thing, I have been bulled from 9 years old up until I was about 17 and now I'm nearly 20. I have the worst self confidence and have no idea how to remotely fix it. I read things saying "tell yourself your pretty" and everything but I just am not going to believe that. I have been going out with friends a little bit more lately and can't help but get so much anxiety surrounding if I am actually wanted there. I believe I have always done this and always have a fear that people are inviting me as a joke or just to be nice or something. This really messes with my head as I want friends, I want to go out but I can't help but think no one actually likes me and its all just a joke. I don't know if I do this because my self confidence is low or just because I am silly.I am very lonely so I am trying not to just accept people in my life because I am lonely but feel like I am just accepting anyone and everyone because I like the company, even if it isn't the best company or im not getting treated the best. I feel like none of this makes any sense, my mind is just in overdrive lately sorry.

UpNDown Declared my problem... then she called it quits
  • replies: 3

I have been with my wife for 10 years, married for eight and have a pre-school aged son. After battling my demons for years, by myself, I finally took the step. I got referred to a psychiatrist. My guess is somewhere in the world of anxiety, depressi... View more

I have been with my wife for 10 years, married for eight and have a pre-school aged son. After battling my demons for years, by myself, I finally took the step. I got referred to a psychiatrist. My guess is somewhere in the world of anxiety, depression, PTSD, possibly bipolar (symptoms and family history). I'm an emergency services worker of 15 years. We have not been intimate for six months and getting distant before that. I had closed myself off from all social situations to the point when my wife and son would be going out somewhere she wouldn't bother asking me if I wanted to go because I'd always say no. I cannot remember the last time I felt genuine joy or pleasure in anything. I sit up late at night, while she goes to bed, killing time to avoid the sleeping panic attacks and nightmares. A week ago, just days after getting the referral, I had my anxiety triggered. She returned home after a night out with work colleagues at 5am (VERY unusual as she doesn't want to be hungover or anything for our son) and I woke up as she was getting out of the shower and felt terrible that I'd fallen asleep so wasn't awake to at least make sure she got in the door safely. I'm very protective of my wife and, thanks to the job, I hear about bad things happening to vulnerable (drunk) women all the time. I found out she needed the taxi driver to help her with her keys to unlock the door! That evening I declared to her that I was sorry for being a terrible husband and I had made the step by having the conversation with a GP. What sort of response was I expecting? "That's terrible, I'll support you" is what I thought I was going to get. No, it wasn't. I was floored to hear the words: "I'm not sure it's going to fix things" I could feel myself imploding from the inside. Not just the words, but our entire conversation that followed contained no emotion or empathy apart from "I don't mean to kick you while you're down". She revealed it started last year when she found herself having to talk to her GP about how she felt in her marriage and took anti-depressants for a while. I had to wake up next to her the next morning with that sinking feeling that it wasn't one of the bad dreams I often have. I'm now a wreck. I've had to go back to the GP to get something to calm the anxiety and help me sleep while I wait to see the psychiatrist. I am seeing him this coming Tuesday with all these developments to add to my problems. The term 'gutted' doesn't describe how I'm feeling. I should also point out that she immediately agreed to marriage counselling that I arranged through work the following day. We're in for a three week wait. In the meantime we have had text message exchanges while I'm at work where she sort of has acknowledged what affect it's had on me. She still encourages me to get help that's it's the main priority. I remain hopeful, but keeping my expectations realistic. The other evening she was going to her work Christmas function and I noticed she was wearing her wedding ring. That lifted my spirit a little. This evening however we went to a Christmas public event and I noticed she wasn't wearing it. But, that could be me reading into it too much. My brain just won't stop with all the emotions running through it. I'm scared to death of what is to come. The pain I'm going to have to endure only to end up alone and have lost everything. I've already been through it before with a previous relationship that produced my two teenage sons but that was different - I hated her and was glad to be free from it.