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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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stekay I've blocked out so many people in my life
  • replies: 5

Hi. So I've come to the realisation that I block out and ghost so many of my friends and it's become a bad habit. A few years back things in my life were falling apart like my job, social relationships and I was drinking to much. One day I decided to... View more

Hi. So I've come to the realisation that I block out and ghost so many of my friends and it's become a bad habit. A few years back things in my life were falling apart like my job, social relationships and I was drinking to much. One day I decided to pack up and move away. I had been unhappy in life for a few years now. I told a handful of close people that I was going away but got off social media, stopped answering my phone and pretty much isolated myself. I had some long term friends who I didn't want to speak to due to having small falling outs with. Then we had mutual friends who I also didn't talk to. People were trying to contact me all the time to find out what had happened to me. I think I have issues with feeling unappreciated by people and over time ignoring people who I thought had wronged me almost felt like a power thing or revenge. I would always think of it as "well this person said this to me or did this to them so they deserve it" and there was a satisfying yet gross felling of them contacting me but me not replying. There's people who I was friends with for years that I have spoken to in 5 years. Doing this almost ruined my friendship with a best friend. I was hurt by something they did and didn't feel appreciated. I ignored them for months with this whole idea of making them see what it feels like. I got in contact with them after a few months and they asked me if everything was fine with them. I told them 'yeah of course' and acted like things were fine. But I realised the next day that I was being horrible by lying about it and making them confused about what had happened. The next day I told them what had really happened and why I did what I did and why I was upset. Fortunately they forgave me and we're still friends. Eve now when I have acquaintances who annoy me, I'll usually just end up blocking them out. Sure they'll do annoying things or can be lazy or rude but I just developed this behaviour where I'm like 'Screw them' and block them out. Over the last five years I've screwed up a lot of things in my life and missed out on a lot of things. It's hard during the lockdown as all my remaining friends live far away and I can't see them and I'm stuck at home all the time and I'm realising how isolated and lonely I am (although I've know this for a whole) and how I've developed this destructive behaviour towards people possibly to save my own feelings of rejection or feeling unappreciated.

Quacker_84 Confused and content
  • replies: 2

Hi, Lately I have felt very content with my own demise, I’m not sure why! My Father died Queens birthday weekend last year after suffering with lung cancer for nearly 2yrs. i am married with 2 kids, but since the passing of my dad I often think about... View more

Hi, Lately I have felt very content with my own demise, I’m not sure why! My Father died Queens birthday weekend last year after suffering with lung cancer for nearly 2yrs. i am married with 2 kids, but since the passing of my dad I often think about suicide. I would never do it (I don’t think) but thought of the thought being there and the numb feeling I have towards dying feels unnatural. i hope this is a phase of grieving but I think I have come to terms with dads death a while ago. I’m really confused I don’t feel suicidal but don’t care if I die today. Strange!

PDC Why
  • replies: 6

I am a 56 yo woman who was married for 25 years. My ex husband decided when I was 50 he didn't love me anymore. I moved away. Meet a man who rocked my world. 4 years together through good times and bad he was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma. Many surge... View more

I am a 56 yo woman who was married for 25 years. My ex husband decided when I was 50 he didn't love me anymore. I moved away. Meet a man who rocked my world. 4 years together through good times and bad he was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma. Many surgeries appt and medications plus finacial hardship his family took him back to NZ behind my back. I was his EPOA + EM. I was devestated as the first I knew was a post on FB. I do not get on with his family. I spoke with him several times but he ended up dying of ? Pnemonia. The family where rude to me as I did not go over. Many reason mainly I would have been on my own in another country. So I did not get to say goodbye. I work in healthcare and was restrictited with my movements. No last goodbye. No last kiss. No I'm sorry for this happening to you. I'm now on my own. Crying everyday..can't get out. Have not many close friends here. I'm alone and lonely. Why why does this happen to me. I'm shattered and do not feel well. Trying to continue to work. But what's the point.

Oldbrew13 Issues with Rejection
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone. First post for me, one which I've been procrastinating about but am now at the stage where I really need some help. I'll try not to go on too long. 7 months ago, my spouse of 20 years left me, completely out of the blue, after I discover... View more

Hi everyone. First post for me, one which I've been procrastinating about but am now at the stage where I really need some help. I'll try not to go on too long. 7 months ago, my spouse of 20 years left me, completely out of the blue, after I discovered he was having an affair. He had cheated on me twice and then, when I thought we were working things out, he was actually with a girl half his age. Apparently it was my fault. I made him stop loving me as I "withheld affection & intimacy". So you can imagine the devastation I went through. I lost 15kgs in 4 months, I couldn't eat/sleep/or function. I cried more than I thought was humanly possible. I felt more emotional pain that I thought I could bear. Suddenly after 20 years I was alone, unwanted, unloved and abandoned. Not a situation I thought I would ever find myself in. Despite the above, I managed to get myself a new job and move my self, my son and my cats to the other side of the country where I have been slowly rebuilding. I started feeling better, eating better, sleeping better. My self-esteem started to trickle back so I decided to dip my toe in the world of online dating. After a month I met someone and we connected instantly. It was amazing. But I ignored red flags because I so desperately wanted to feel wanted and desirable again. Now it's over. He's dumped me and all those emotions from my spouse leaving me have come flooding back. I'm broken again. Has anyone been through something like this? If so, how do you come back from it? How do you deal with the rejection and feeling lime you're utterly worthless and unlovable? I'm just lost and I don't know what to do. Thankyou for listening, T

LonelyLion Lost in Marriage
  • replies: 4

I married my husband because I love for who and what he is. This is inspite of my parents and friends reminding me I deserved better. I truly believed he loved me too. I have always been the person with a better income, I didn’t see it that way at fi... View more

I married my husband because I love for who and what he is. This is inspite of my parents and friends reminding me I deserved better. I truly believed he loved me too. I have always been the person with a better income, I didn’t see it that way at first. I always saw us equally. But he spends pur money for his “hobbies” his rule in life was “live to the fullest” whhy do we need our own house or savings if we are going to die later on. So i kept mum. I had savings before we got married but sweet talks got me getting them and giving it to him because he was do “down” i didn’t like seeing him that way. He asked me to take a loan under my name so he can build whatever it was he was building I reluctantly agreed because i saw he was anout to wxplode in the bank. we had our lid, he loved her... at first as she grew older he also lost time for her. Like a kid who no longer wants his toy. But my daughter loves his dad more than anything in the world so she keeps trying hard for him to notice her. Don’t get me wrong he is a kind man when he wants to. we moved to Australia, and he found new friends who influenced even more to. Not value family. All he wanted to do was hang out woth his friends. I waited i wait. It got to a point where his form of his affection was to make fun of me in front of his friendS. According to him it was banter so I went along, until I lost my love for myself. He always wants to buy things which ai have mo problemabout if we had savings for the rainy day. i also always ask him for help around the house but he says Its too hard. Because of this i slowy lost my affection and intimacy. anyway fast forward now, my marriage i want to save but it keeps falling apart and i blame myself for tjis

Rebeccaann Constantly upset and not able to eat after breakup
  • replies: 2

This is my first time posting. I’ll give you a bit of a back story. I started seeing a guy in January and the relationship moved fast, too fast now that I look back on it. I went from spending basically every night with him to moving in with him just... View more

This is my first time posting. I’ll give you a bit of a back story. I started seeing a guy in January and the relationship moved fast, too fast now that I look back on it. I went from spending basically every night with him to moving in with him just a couple months after meeting him. We then lived together for 5 weeks before things started to fall apart. During this time I wasn’t happy with the location of where I was, didn’t get along with his friends, and constantly felt upset, nauseous and would always be sick (cold, flu). Anyways we decided to go our separate ways because neither of us were happy with the situation (happy with each other and wanted to be together but it wasn’t working out). Anyways, it’s now been a little over two weeks and I’m still miserable, can barely eat, always sad, and losing weight from not eating. Why is this affecting me so much and how do I help myself to get over it? We ended on good terms, I even called him last night and we talked for over an hour, we both understand what happened and why it needed to. So we are civil. I’m also dealing with a dying grandfather and am currently stuck on the other side of the world away from any family members. I just want to feel okay again, and be able to eat again and get my strength and happiness back. How do I go about this? Why was I so affected by a 4 month fling? Could other factors be causing me to shut down?

ecomama Sadness for adult child, we can't help family member
  • replies: 9

Hi everyone If anyone has input, I would really appreciate it. Maybe I am just looking for validation for my position as I struggle with the morality and ethics of whether I am doing the 'right thing' at the moment. I'm feeling really sad today at th... View more

Hi everyone If anyone has input, I would really appreciate it. Maybe I am just looking for validation for my position as I struggle with the morality and ethics of whether I am doing the 'right thing' at the moment. I'm feeling really sad today at the situation my adult child is in with another "close' family member. In aiding privacy I will just call adult AC and close family member CFM. I have been estranged from CFM for a long time now. This 'no contact' (NC) was forced upon me and even though I understood the decision rationally, it sent me into years of depression. Some days I would have to make the decision of NC hundreds of times a day. I worked very hard to lift the depression. I needed to go NC and have come to a different place over it personally, probably acceptance of sorts. Protecting my family was what kept me NC. AC has maintained contact but the situation is quite terrible. I feel very burdened by ACs frustration and sadness over it all. CFM has become a nomad of sorts. I can't say 'homeless' but basically CFM is acting that way. It's complicated. AC is a caring and generous soul, helping CFM as much as possible. CFMs demands were/are absolutely impossible. One could never say "I'm too busy that day" or anything at all. Basically if anyone tries to set boundaries, there is a massive angry and usually violent outburst from CFM. It's very scary being in a relationship with CFM. Boundaries are NEVER respected and worse, if a boundary is set then CFM will purposely tread all over it. Boundaries are like a red flag to a bull. Trying to talk via phone can feel like being roped in and can last 10 hours, maintained by the fear CFM will turn up on doorstep. Nothing is ever resolved. CFM sees themselves as a rescuer. CFM blatantly refuses any mental health help. CFMs life is dangerous. We fear police will phone saying they found CFM passed away in some strange and lonely place. I still love CFM deeply but cannot make contact. AC has almost total 'responsibility' but it's far too much. I try hard to support AC but the request to break NC has been brought up by AC more than once so I can help CFM. I ask "what could I do?" with ACs tears as a response. I uncomfortably reaffirm NC but feel like I am betraying not only AC but CFM. If the situation stays then it will end very sadly for everyone. If I broke NC then far more people would be damaged by my estimation. Any comments are welcome. EM

Bayside How to help an abuse victim?
  • replies: 3

My close friend has been abused in the past and her current husband is also abusive. Both the ex husband and current husband have been physically abusive to her children as well. She was planning to leave after the end of her previous lease wasn't ab... View more

My close friend has been abused in the past and her current husband is also abusive. Both the ex husband and current husband have been physically abusive to her children as well. She was planning to leave after the end of her previous lease wasn't able to secure a new lease. It has taken it's toll on me as she talked through these things with me in great detail over the last 12-15 months. I also have a history of depression, anxiety and suicide attempts. I feel powerless to help her because I really want to help her and I have not been coping well. What is the best way to help her in this situation? She wants to leave but also feels it will be very difficult as a single mother - she feels trapped.

Kitty2 Happy Motherless Childless Mother’s Day
  • replies: 7

Does anyone else have to celebrate Mother’s Day on their own not just because of the pandemic? My mother is an abusive narcissist who lost custody of me and then, years later, my younger half-siblings. When I was very young, my mother would be absent... View more

Does anyone else have to celebrate Mother’s Day on their own not just because of the pandemic? My mother is an abusive narcissist who lost custody of me and then, years later, my younger half-siblings. When I was very young, my mother would be absent for many months on her drug binges but would show up unannounced every Mother’s Day. In the past few years, she developed a habit of interfering with the relationships between us siblings. For example, a week before Mother’s Day last year, my sister and I planned to catch up. She is pliable and a people pleaser, so easy for our mother to control. My mother would demand that my sister reveal any plans that we had together so she invited herself along to our catch-up although she knew I didn’t want her there. She demanded to know when I’m going to have children and when I said that I didn’t have any plans, she sulked. She had been inviting herself along whenever my sister & brother had plans together too, even though he did his best to avoid her since he was traumatised by her abuse. When the country was preparing to go into lockdown my brother died by suicide. I haven’t been in contact with my mother at all since then and I’m still in shock, but I have no doubt that she will be acting as if his passing is all about her. Since I’m in my thirties now, people often ask me intrusive questions about my (non-existent) plans to have children. Although I love children, I don’t feel the need to conform to society’s outdated expectations of women reproducing no matter their circumstances. Also, the pandemic has affected my work/income so now I’m too busy trying to stay afloat to worry about financially supporting children as well. I’m extremely tired of dealing with some people’s judgemental, condescending attitudes towards my relationship (or lack of) with my mother and also my child-free lifestyle. The marketing for Mother’s Day this year seems way more aggressive since our economy’s in such a dire state now. I’m wondering if other people on these forums have had similar issues with Mother’s Day?

Honestly_Me Separated after a long time
  • replies: 6

Hi, I have just separated from my husband after 19 years of marriage. I didn't see it coming and was in love with him. He wasn't interested in going to see anyone to try and fix it or work on our marriage. I realise now we have very different core va... View more

Hi, I have just separated from my husband after 19 years of marriage. I didn't see it coming and was in love with him. He wasn't interested in going to see anyone to try and fix it or work on our marriage. I realise now we have very different core values. However how do you get over a broken heart? How and when do you move on?